Chapter 2: Wushu

Welcome back to our irregularly scheduled nonsense!

Last time, Kelsey got a house and a car and a full ride scholarship to her dream school and a full bank account so that she never has to worry about living expenses ever again. But we're supposed to feel bad for her because she broke up with Ren, and she's so sad :(

That's pretty much all that happened.

This chapter, Kelsey starts college. And meets some additional love interests.

Yes, that was plural.

Chapter Two: Wushu

A couple of days later, the fall terms starts, which I guess gives us a better idea of the timeline of the first book. And also has the side effect of making Kelsey's secret college admissions just that much more sketch. She doesn't seem too worried about most of her classes, because she can just write about what she learned in India while curse-breaking over the summer.

We don't get to hear about what she does in class, though! She just says that she studies hard and sees Sarah and Mike pretty regularly, and calls Mr. Kadam once a week. He helps her out with an oral presentation on different cars in India and gets the best grade in the class because she's just so smart and special, guys.

One week, Mr. Kadam lets Kelsey know that he signed her up for another class, with neither her knowledge nor her consent. Awesome. He tells her that he signed her up for wushu.

"Wushu? What's that? Is it some kind of Indian language?"

I mean, it's a Chinese word, Kelsey. But given that she grew up with her head under a rock in Oregon, I'll cut her some slack.

Mr. Kadam laughed. "Oh, I do miss having you around."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I know this is supposed to show how Mr. Kadam is fond of Kelsey, but it genuinely comes across like he misses having her around because he can't hear her say stupid things anymore.

No, wushu is a style of martial arts! It's fair that Kelsey doesn't recognize the name immediately, because it's not like it's one of the really common styles in America (those being stuff like karate and taekwondo). It's not a style I know too terribly much about, since I haven't studied it at all, but I do know of it. It's the one with all the really low stances:

My ankle hurts just looking at this.

When Kelsey accepts, he tells her that he's already sent a package with the beginner material in it. 

He also lets her know that he's been able to translate a bit of the second pillar, and he thinks it has something to do with air. He tells her that he thought wushu would be a good idea to learn.

"It will help you develop a better balance of mind and body, which may prove helpful if your next adventure takes place off the ground."

So...wouldn't tai chi have been a better choice? Tai chi is literally an exercise in the balance of mind and body, and it literally helps your balance improve.

Also, LOL FORESHADOWING

(Not that wushu ever helps Kelsey during the quest at any point. AT ALL. Which makes this whole endeavor COMPLETELY POINTLESS.)

Kelsey asks what's taking so long, and Mr. Kadam says that he's having trouble locating some of the geographical markers the prophecy is talking about, as they don't refer to anything in India. Hmm, intriguing! And incredibly frustrating, for reasons that will become crystal clear when I get to that section of the story.

She tells him to get some rest and not to overwork himself.

"Perhaps you are right. Maybe I will have some tea and do some light reading on the Himalayas for your paper."

Excuse me, WHAT? Kelsey's NOT EVEN DOING HER OWN HOMEWORK????

She brushes him off and says to get some rest, but still. Yikes.

She hangs up and feels her excitement about the prophecy turn into sadness again.

It was the same kind of feeling I would get after Christmas. Holiday anticipation would build up for the whole month. Then, when presents were opened, the food was eaten, and the people left to go their separate ways, I always experienced a gloomy feeling of loss.

My notes for this section are transcribed below in their entirety:

I    II

II   L

Which goes to show that my brain was in a weird place so early in the book. What could these arcane symbols mean?

Anyway, this Christmas present metaphor continues for several paragraphs, which is pretty funny considering it's, what, September? October?

I had the vacation-is-over-now-it's-time-to-go-back-to-school blues. He was my ultimate present, my own personal miracle, and I'd blown it. I'd given him away. It was like winning backstage passes to meet the rock star of your dreams and donating the tickets to charity. It sucked. Big time.

You get the idea. It's overblown, it's melodramatic, yada yada, especially considering that it's obvious they'll get together at the end, anyway.

A couple of days later (I think--letting us know the passage of time is not one of this book's strong suits), Kelsey's wushu package arrives. There's some clothing, including the traditional uniform. Kelsey has no other comment than that it's "pretty".

I think it looks like this? It's a bit hard to tell when your description is "sash," "frog clasps," "silk," and "red."

The box also has an assortment of various weapons: a couple of kinds of swords;

I'm assuming like these, as these are the common swords used in Chinese martial arts (kung fu, wushu, and tai chi, to name a couple).

some hooks of some kind;

Like these? It's hard to tell when all you get is "hooks."

chains (!);

?????

a three-sectioned staff;

Now with 150% more nunchuck!

"and several other things I'd never seen before," which is all the description we get, because these things never show up again! Why even include a catch-all category when you could just get rid of it and nothing would change?

Also, wow, that's a lot of weapons for a beginner. Someone who's never taken martial arts before doesn't get to start using weapons right away, because you have to know what you're doing before you use weapons! You can really hurt yourself if you don't have the fundamentals down. When I took karate, I didn't start using weapons until I was an intermediate student, which took a couple of years to get to. And you want to know what kind of weapon I started off with?

Two sticks.

You didn't start off by learning with a real sword, you didn't start off by using fucking hook swords, and you didn't start off by learning with a chain whip (!), because that's insane. I was a purple belt before I was even allowed to think about using weapons, and Kelsey's not even a white belt yet! What???

But do you want to know what the real kicker is? After all of this stuff with the weapons? They literally never show up again. She never uses them in class (which, finally, something sane) and she never uses them on the quest. She uses a BOW AND ARROW on the quest.

This whole wushu subplot is the opposite of a Chekov's gun. For anyone who doesn't know, Chekov's gun is a narrative "rule" that says if a gun is fired in the third act, it has to be shown in the first act; basically, it's saying that you have to lay your groundwork for the climax of the story so you don't just pull something out of thin air at the end. Houck starts doing this by teaching Kelsey martial arts and providing her with weapons that she can learn how to use later on in the quest, and then she just shrugs and says "OOH archery is waaaay cooler!" without going back and fixing the first third of the story to reflect that.

Case in point:

I wonder if Mr. Kadam is right and I'll need these skills. I guess they'd come in handy if I return to India and have to fight whatever stands in the way of obtaining Durga's second gift.

THIS DOESN'T EVEN HAPPEN. SHE USES *ZERO* WUSHU AFTER GETTING BACK TO INDIA. THIS MAKES ME SO ANGRY YOU HAVE NO IDEA. IT MAKES ME SO ANGRY THAT I'M HAVING THIS RANT NOW INSTEAD OF WHERE IT WOULD MAKE SENSE.

This annoys me.

And suddenly it's two days later and Kelsey is at school. She walks into Latin early, and runs into the lab assistant. Uh, is it normal for a language class to have a lab? I know mine never did--those were all for science classes (in my experience).

Anyway, the lab assistant's name is Artie, and Houck goes out of her way to make him as unlikeable as possible.

He stood close to me. Too close. I looked up at him hoping the conversation would be quick so he could move out of my personal space.

Artie was the only guy I'd seen in a long time brave enough to wear a sweater-vest with a bow tie. The sad thing was the sweater-vest was too small. He had to keep pulling it down over his rather large stomach. He looked like the kind of guy who belonged in a musty old college.

So, a nerd stereotype. Got it.

Wait, I thought Kelsey's character arc or whatever was supposed to be about learning to not judge people by their appearances? From Tiger's Curse:

The goddess reached out to stroke [Fanindra's] immobile head and counseled, "She is sensitive to the emotions of others and longs to be loved for who she is. She has a purpose, as do all of her children, and we must learn to accept that all creatures, however fearsome they may be, are of divine origin."

Look, I know I'm grasping at straws for any kind of character development, but Kelsey was supposed to have learned this lesson. Now, she's all, "Ew, he's fat and dresses weird, so he's awful," which is kind of the opposite of that?

Not that she's wrong. Artie is awful.

He asks her if she's free later that week and gets his planner out, "his double chin tucked up against his neck." Well, I mean, where else would he keep it?

When she says that she's free and asks if the professor wants to see her for something, he says that that's when he'll pick her up for their *record scratch* date??? Whomp whomp. He walks away before Kelsey can clarify.

Time jump! Now it's later that evening, and Kelsey's getting ready for wushu. When she gets to the studio, there are already a few people warming up. One of them is an older woman who reminds her of her mom. Since we have gotten absolutely no information from Kelsey about her mom other than that she liked to bake and watch romance movies, I'll just take Kelsey's word for this one.

Kelsey introduces herself to the woman, who's named Jennifer. Then the instructors show up. One of them is old and tough, and the other one is young and hot (read: muscular). The head instructor introduces himself as Chuck, and he gives a speech to the class. I guess this is an all-beginner class, since it's about what wushu is? Whatever.

"Wushu is Chinese martial arts

Hold on, I need a second.

It's not quite to the level of Maurizio or Phet, but it juuust toes the line.

"Wushu is Chinese martial arts. You know about the Shaolin monks? They do wushu.

Ehhh, technically, I guess. "Wushu" is one of the Chinese name for, well, Chinese kung fu, so it's broken down into a lot of different styles. The Shaolin monks use a particular style of kung fu/wushu, I guess.

My studio's name is Shing, which means 'victory.'

OH NOOO, WADE GILES! Basically, there are a couple of different ways Chinese characters get translated into English. The best one is pinyin, which is what you'd learn if you took a Chinese class (where 北京 gets turned into "beijing," for example). Wade-Giles is the worst one. That's how you get "Peking" from "Beijing."

I think Chuck is talking about the character 胜 which should be written as "sheng" if you hate Wade-Giles, like I do. And I guess "sheng" technically means victory, but Chinese nouns are usually two syllables long, so it would be more accurate to say shengli (胜利) or shengju (胜局).

Look, I gotta use that Chinese minor somehow.

You will all have a chance to feel victory as you master wushu. Do you know the name kung fu?"

We all nodded.

"Kung fu means 'skill.' Kung fu is not a style of martial arts. It just means that you have skill. Maybe the skill is riding horses or swimming. 

While it's true that "kung fu" does mean skill (seriously, you can use the word "kung fu" while saying you're a good cook), it's also a style of martial arts. Chinese gongfu (which is the pinyin for kung fu) (功夫) is literally a style of martial arts, too. Wushu is another word for gongfu when you're talking about martial arts.

Wushu is kicks, stretching, gymnastics, and weapons.

Except, no, it's not. No style of martial arts is just these four things! What about forms? Sparring? Punching? Self defense?

Now, who are famous people who use wushu?"

When no one knows the answer, he says that Jet Li, Bruce Lee, and Jackie Chan all use wushu. Which I guess is true, because "wushu" encompasses a lot of different styles. Bruce Lee is famous for Wing Chun, for example.

He teaches them the greeting for class, which is just "How are you?" and "I'm fine" in Chinese (ni hao ma (你好吗) and wo hen hao (我很好), respectively.

Anyway! He starts class off by stretching, which is not a great idea. Usually you do some warm up and then you stretch, because you can actually make yourself stiffer by doing it the wrong way around. Then he teaches them the basic stances. I'm not familiar with the specific wushu stances, but they sound reasonably similar to other styles. All Kelsey really has to say is that they're hard. So descriptive!

Although the cute younger instructor smiles at her while he's helping her with her stances. His name is Li, which shows a fundamental misunderstanding of how Chinese names work! Li is a surname. Chinese names are written as Surname Givenname, which means that he just...goes by his last name, I guess! Weird! Or, a failure on Houck's part to do any amount of research into any culture she depicts in her novels. Your choice.

Well, that's about it for wushu, because now we're back in Latin class. Kelsey tries to cancel on Artie and he keeps asking her about different days, so she finally decides that one date won't kill her and they set a time. That's it before another time jump.

我觉得这个作者对武术和中国的文化没有体会。傻子。

(对不起,我的中文不好,所以我可能写错了。)

Now we're a couple of weeks later, and Kelsey's partner in anthropology, Jason, asks her out on another date! Whomp whomp! Kelsey is initially surprised but realizes that she should have seen that he was interested in her. Given that this is the first time we've seen him, I guess I'll have to take her word for it.

Jason seemed like a nice guy, but he didn't hold a candle to the man I left behind in India. I quickly made a mental list of each, and Jason's side came out short.

Well, at least she didn't leave the list out in a place he'd be able to find it, Ross.

She eventually decides to accept, and they plan on going to the homecoming football game together.

Time jump! We're back in wushu, and now Kelsey is learning how to kick things. Rather than show us, uh, anything, Houck just gives us a list of the different types of kicks.

There were several types: the front stretch-kick, the side stretch-kick, inside and outside circle-kicks and heel-palm kicks. My favorite was toe-fist kick. It finally made me feel like I could punch something.

Read that again, but slowly.

Learning different types of kicks makes you feel like you can punch something? I don't think Kelsey's paying a lot of attention to class.

Li helps Kelsey out with her arm position during the kicks (which is, admittedly, a tough thing to learn how to do), and Jennifer tells Kelsey that Li likes her. Kelsey says that she doesn't think of him in that way, and Jennifer immediately says, "Oh! There's someone else." Or she's had exactly zero conversations with him. Or he's not her type. Or she's not into guys. Come on, Jennifer. Anyway, Kelsey tells her that there's not anyone anymore.

"Oh, honey, you can't just let life pass you by while you nurse a broken heart. You have to get back up on that horse and try again. Life is too short not to have love in it."

I read that in a Southern accent, and I have no idea why.

Kelsey says she'll think about it, and then class is over. After her tortured brain chugs along for a bit, she realizes that she and Li are the only ones left in the room. Li chases her to her car and asks her to a Settlers of Catan game night with a few of his friends, and offers to teach her to play. Okay, so Li is amazing, and way too good to be in this story. Gotcha.

Kelsey thinks about how she doesn't have anything else to do, and says that she will. She says that she feels weird when she gets home.

Three dates. I had three dates in two weeks, and I wasn't looking forward to any of them. Something was definitely wrong with me.

AAAAUUUUUGHHHHHH.

How's that for an end-of-chapter zinger?

Closing Thoughts

This chapter is called wushu, but we don't hear a lot about actual wushu. None of it is important, as none of it ever comes up again once Kelsey leaves for India later in the book. Which makes all of this entirely pointless.

Kelsey has three dates. It's obvious that she's not going to end up with any of them, but we still have to watch her bumble her way through dating three guys at the same time. It's not fun, it's not interesting, and it's entirely pointless, because none of it ever comes up again once Kelsey leaves for India later in the book. Which makes all of this entirely pointless.

Next time, Chapter Three: Dating! Watch as my brain implodes for your entertainment!

Comments

  1. Your Chinese is pretty good, although I believe most people would word it 这个作者没有体会过武术和中国文化。
    Also, 傻子is a grossly inadequate descriptor of Kelsey-- I prefer 缺德的白痴 myself.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for the correction! It's been a couple of years since I studied. Plus I didn't want to go too far in the other direction and accidentally say something incredibly offensive. 谢谢!

      Delete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Tiger's Curse Spork: Introduction and Prologue

Moon People, Part II: Putting a Sexy Smile on My Face

Chapter 13: Waterfall