Chapter 11: The Cave of Kanheri

Hey, I survived finals, so now I'm back with our irregularly scheduled nonsense!

Last time (which was November 12, uh, sorry...), we joined Kelsey at Ren's sprawling Grecian mansion that is somehow hidden in the middle of a tiger preserve in India. Our dynamic duo is about to head to the Cave of Kanheri to use the Seal of the empire to speak to the Hindu goddess Durga.

Ren was also very creepy towards a teenage girl that he had just met, and had only had two conversations with. Kelsey was okay with this.  I was not.

Let's get this show on the road!

A quick peek of what we have in store for us:

Temple of Doom, the best Indiana Jones movie!

Chapter Eleven: The Cave of Kanheri

This chapter is essentially a truncated Indiana Jones movie. It's a full twenty-five pages of dull action scenes that would probably look okay in a movie but are really not very exciting to read at all.

Kelsey wakes up and finds the Mujulaain Empire's Seal sitting in her room.  I'm not sure how it got there, since it wasn't described the last time she was there.  This means that Mr. Kadam put it in her room while she and Ren were flirting out on her veranda (while listening in, I guess, the weirdo), or he put it in her room while she was sleeping. Either way, it's really odd. I know Kelsey trusts Mr. Kadam, but I still haven't forgiven him for, you know, the whole kidnapping thing.

It's a really pretty orange stone with the words "wisdom, vigilance, bravery, and compassion" written on it in some language that isn't described (although I assume it's Chinese given information we get later about where it came from).

If he was as true to these words as Ren says he was, Ren's father must have been a good king.

1. Wisdom, vigilance, bravery, and compassion would be nice to have in a king, but I'm not sure that possessing all four automatically makes you a good king.

2. What a useless statement. If he had the qualities that would make a good king, then he must have been a good king!

3. I like how Kelsey's kind of breaking away from Houck's obsession with Ren here. If Ren isn't completely lying to me, then what he says is true. It's like she's not quite sure if Ren is telling the truth or not.

He is, but that's because Ren is Perfect.

Kelsey imagines what Ren would be like as a king. "I could easily envision him leading others. There was something about him that made me want to trust and follow him. I grinned wryly. Women would follow him over a cliff."

What is it, exactly, that Kelsey finds so attractive about Ren?  Sure, he's hot and rich, but those are the only things that really make sense to be attracted to (they are also very shallow reasons). He compliments her constantly, sure, but he hasn't really given a lot of reasons outside of "you're pretty and like poetry," and he's also extremely controlling. He's misled her all the way up to a few days ago where her only choices were to help him or be stuck stranded in a jungle. He says that he wouldn't have done that, but he put her into that position in the first place. It reminds me of something from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (for reference, the gang has just bought a boat, and Dennis and Mac are trying to buy stuff to fix it up):

The entire two minutes are worth watching (mostly for inflection), but the most relevant bit to this discussion is this:

Dennis:  The whole purpose of buying a boat in the first place was to get the ladies nice and tipsy topside so we can take them down to a nice comfortable place below deck and, you know, they can't refuse because of the implication.

Mac: Oh, uh, okay. You had me going there for the first part, the second half, it kind of threw me.

Dennis: Dude, think about it. She's out in the middle of nowhere with some dude she barely knows, you know, she looks around her, what does she see? Nothing but open ocean. "Ah, there's nowhere for me to run! What am I gonna do, say no?"

[. . .] [Mac says that this is pretty dark.]

Dennis: You're misunderstanding me, bro . . . Because if the girl said no, then the answer obviously is no. But the thing is, she's not gonna say no. She would never say no. Because of the implication.

When the protagonist of your YA romance novel can be compared with Dennis from Always Sunny with very little effort, THAT'S A BAD THING.

And really, how different is Kelsey's situation from this one? Kelsey's been stranded in a jungle in a country where she doesn't speak the language, and with no way to contact help. All of a sudden a strange man offers to take her to safety in exchange for her help. There's nowhere for her to run. What is she going to do, say no?

Yes, it is true that Ren and Mr. Kadam give her the opportunity to back out of the deal when they get to Ren's house. But Kelsey's only contact with the world is through Mr. Kadam and Ren deigning to return her cell phone, and it's not like her foster parents would be much help given all the concern they showed for not being in contact with her for multiple days with no warning.

Mr. Kadam packed them a bag for their trip to Kanheri Cave. It lists everything that's in the bag, which is a list of eleven things. This is not fun to read, and most people aren't going to remember or care what's in the bag in the first place. I only mention it because there's a list of eleven highly specific items ("cameras, both digital and disposable," for example) followed by "and a few other things." I'm not sure why these last few items aren't worthy of note, given the fact that everything else was in much more detail. I think it's because Houck decided that it would be too limiting to list everything that's in the bag, and it would be too hard to go back and edit something later, so it's just a cop out for if Kelsey needs to use something that's not listed here later on. I don't think she does, either, which just makes it weirder to include it.

She finishes getting ready, and meets Mr. Kadam downstairs. They have breakfast together, and Mr. Kadam exposits about the seal, because Mr. Kadam exists so that Houck can show off all the research she did while writing this book. It's not important information, as it never comes up again, nor is it particularly interesting, unless you're really curious about the type of stone the seal is made out of.

I am curious about it (because I'm weird), so here's the information. The seal was made in China, and was carved out of Shoushan stone. "The Chinese believed that Shousans were brightly colored phoenix eggs, found high in mountain nests. Men who risked their lives to locate and capture them received honor, glory, and wealth." Mr. Kadam is right about the fact that Shoushan stone was commonly used for carving seals. He's also correct in saying in saying that people believed that they were phoenix eggs, but this is only one explanation. Even then, they were thought to bestow longevity rather than wealth (although as a prized stone they would have also become rich). Another explanation is that they were left over when the goddess Nuwa repaired the sky in Chinese mythology.

Depicted here, carved in shoushan stone.

I don't think it's proper to refer to them as Shoushans as Shoushan is the name of the place where the stones come from, and all the sources I was able to find referred to them as Shoushan stones, or as tian huang, their Chinese name.

"It sounds like Ren's family was very special."

Which, yes, but you don't have to rub in how much of a Gary Stu Ren is in such an obvious way.

Ren joins the two of them for breakfast and Ren eats mango out of Kelsey's hands. He licks the juice off, which, as I've mentioned before, strip the flesh from her hands because that's what tiger tongues do, but it doesn't.

Mr. Kadam leads them to the car he has prepared for them in the garage, and Kelsey and Ren take off to Kanheri Cave. "Once again, I felt a deep appreciation for Mr. Kadam. Ren and I would be truly lost without him." Mr. Kadam literally does all of the hard work for Kelsey. Kelsey has had to do nothing but tramp through the jungle so far.

Which begs the question, why is it that Kelsey is this Chosen One? Surely Mr. Kadam has done more to break the curse than Kelsey has. Mr. Kadam has been faithfully serving Ren for three hundred years, and there's no doubt that he would also have wanted to free Ren. Given that this seems to be Kelsey's only qualification so far, it seems like the only reason Mr. Kadam isn't the protagonist is because he's not a teenage girl.

It takes them about four hours to drive there, and when they get there, they have a two-and-a-half hour hike to the cave itself. Then Kelsey says that they have two hours to kill before they can leave so they can get there after the park closes. Why didn't they just leave two hours later so they didn't waste time? Who knows!

Additionally, I don't think Houck knows how long it takes to drive places. Ren's house is in Yawal Wildlife Preserve. It takes almost eleven hours to drive to Kanheri cave from there.

Actually, it's so Kelsey and Ren can "bond" some more. But since Ren is a tiger, Kelsey is doing all the hard work. I hate it.

She tells him all about her parents. It's pretty inane, but I'll copy one of the paragraphs out so you can see this Good Quality Dialogue:

"Dad was your average backyard-grilling-kind of dad. He was a math teacher, and I guess some of that rubbed off on me because I like math, too. We all loved reading, and we had a cozy home library. Dr. Seuss books were my favorite. Even now I can almost sense my parents when I pick up a book."

It's a lot of that.

They walk through the jungle again, and other than the trees being farther apart, the description is almost identical to the previous chapters where they trekked through the jungle. Including the improbable amount of wildlife they see on the way there.  It's a jungle, so we have to see jungle animals! There are rabbits, deer, porcupines, lots of different birds, rhesus monkeys, a giant python, monitor lizards, and lots of different bugs. They see all of these things in two hours. I wish I was that lucky whenever I go hiking.

Since Kanheri Cave is a tourist spot, they have to wait even longer before they can go in, which is wearing my patience down even further. I want to read about adventures in old ruins, not about Kelsey complaining about walking more!  It's like if every time Indiana Jones wanted to go into a temple he complained about how sore his feet were for half an hour! It's not fun to read! Bring on the action!

After all the tourists leave, Kelsey and Ren head inside the cave to try to figure out what the prophecy is talking about. We also learn that Kanheri Cave is a Buddhist temple. Why a Buddhist temple would have anything to do with a prophecy of a Hindu goddess is beyond me. Kelsey even points out that it's weird that this is where they have to go.

Then why go here in the first place????

Why don't you have Durga's prophecy lead them to a temple to Durga?  Wouldn't that make about a thousand percent more sense???? Here's a list of the top fifteen temples to Durga in India, easily accessible through Google. I get that the book's supposed to be going for an "all myths are true" thing within Asian cultures, which is cool and all, but you can't just mix and match these things!  Why would a Buddhist temple have a door that can only be accessed by someone that's not part of the pantheon of that religion?

They look around the temple for a while, and they're having trouble finding anything that they can use the seal on. They look for a good while, until Ren finds the symbol on the seal. Why does Ren find it instead of Kelsey, our protagonist? No idea, but it makes Kelsey seem completely pointless here!

The seal fits into the symbol and it opens a secret door "with a pneumatic hiss," which suggests that the door is operated by technology rather than, like, magic or something. Which is confusing considering it's supposedly an ancient temple and this door has been hidden for centuries, but, uh, we're just not gonna worry about that.

Now that we've found the secret door, let's put on a little mood music:

Kelsey picks up a torch and the door closes behind them, meaning they have to find another way out. The two make their way down a narrow staircase, which opens up into a fork in the passage. It's a maze!  Ren sniffs the air in the passageway to figure out which way to go next. He does this for the entire maze.

It's literally exactly the same.

This removes all tension from the narrative, as they know exactly how to get through the maze right away, and prevents our protagonist from showing any creative problem solving that would be fun to read.

After they get through the maze, a metallic gate shuts behind them. You've made it through level one!  You might want to save before the next stage of the dungeon.

Artist's rendition.

They keep going for a ways.  Eventually they hear a weird noise, and the torchlight reveals that this noise comes from giant beetles that are taking up the entire passageway. (Not that giant, as they're the size of baseballs).

Kelsey doesn't want to go through the passageway because bugs are gross. That's the only reason. "Okay, Ren, I'll do it. But this will really, really freak me out. I'm running the entire way, so don't expect me to wait for you." I hate snakes bugs!

She runs through the passage, and while I think it's supposed to be more badass like Tomb Raider, it comes across more like Willie in Temple of Doom: lame.

With the added bonus of ripping off the most annoying character in the series! So it's not even plagiarizing well!

This scene in Temple of Doom (while annoying) really only works in a visual medium. Reading about a hall of bugs isn't gross or scary. Seeing a hall of bugs is gross and scary.

Additionally, more typos! In this published book! "A horrible image flashed through my mind: landing in the hoard face down." It's the same problem as a few chapters ago, where "hoard" is used instead of "horde," which means that the editors not only missed this mistake once but twice!

"I was able to beat them away from my face with my free hand, which was poked by their pinchers several times." That should be "pincers," ladies and gentlemen.

Two editors.

They make it through with only minor injuries, because this book has no stakes or tension.

Next, Kelsey trips a booby trap that causes spikes to shoot out from the wall.

How original.

But these spikes are poisoned! It's gonna take a lot of ingenuity to get through them and oh they're through in under a page, okay. It's really stressful and Kelsey almost falls down at one point, though. But, again, no injuries, and no fear on the part of the reader that they'll have any trouble navigating through the dungeon.

After a while they trip a booby trap that causes a door to close in front of them and the passage to fill up with water!  Oh no! (Also, a trap I've seen about a million times.) Luckily, Ren can hold his breath for a long time and see in the dark when he's a tiger, so he tells Kelsey that there's another seal marking by the door, so they solve that problem quickly. Because there is zero penalty to changing back and forth between a dude and a tiger. Kelsey sucks so she can't find it right away.

This was where I would die. I would never be found. No one would hold a funeral for me. What would it feel like to drown? It would be fast. It only takes a minute or two. My dead corpse [as opposed to a live corpse?] would be bloated and swollen, floating next to Ren's tiger body forever. Would those awful bugs get in and nibble on me? That seemed worse than dying, somehow. Ren could hold his breath longer. He would watch me die. I wonder how he'd feel about that. Would he regret it? Would he feel guilty? Would he pound against the door himself?

Note that this is italicized, so these are Kelsey's actual thoughts while she's drowning rather than narration. Now, I've never almost drowned before, but I doubt if a Shakespearean soliloquy would be running through my head rather than "OH GOD NO I'M DROWNING" but that's just me.

Also, what's stopping Ren from turning into a human and using the seal? He knows where the marking is already, so it would make more sense for him to do that than try to make Kelsey find it.

She manages to open the door and all the water spills out. She makes fun of Ren for looking ridiculous, which I won't fault her for because 1. trauma after almost dying and 2. I like making fun of Ren. The only things left intact in their bags are the cameras, which had been packed in waterproof bags. And now that Kelsey's all wet, she complains some more! Joy! "My boots made squishing noises, and my wet clothes chaffed." Yes, "chaffed." The word you're looking for is chafed, editors.

The flashlight still works (despite being wet and not included in working items on the page before--I love these editors so much, guys), so Kelsey turns it back on and they keep going. The floor shakes and a large piece drops down, leaving a pit that is too wide to jump across.

About 45 seconds in.

"Wonderful! Who do you think I am? Indiana Jones? Well, I think you should know there ain't no whip in this bag!"

Is it really the best idea to name drop a series that you're shamelessly copying from? In combination with the fact that it's much better?

Ren can jump over the pit as a tiger, but not as a man. So, he plans on letting Kelsey get onto his back when he's a tiger, jumping over the pit, and halfway through the jump changing into a man and holding onto her. Why can't Kelsey just hold on while he's a tiger? Well, this way, he can hold her with his strong, manly arms. The plan works perfectly, of course.

Ren gets some scratches from this, so Kelsey tends to his wounds (because romance) and then hugs him.

"Thank you. But don't ever . . . ever . . . ever do that again!"

He laughed. "If it gets results like this, I surely will do it again."

"You will not!"

Creep. You guys barely know each other. Also, ten people have highlighted this in Kindle, if you're curious.

This seems to have been the last obstacle. There's a wall with a handprint that has the mirror image of the symbols Yoda Phet drew on Kelsey's hand in henna. Which only makes it weird that this is in a Buddhist temple. When Kelsey touches her hand to the symbols, her hand starts glowing and electricity starts sparking between her hand and the door.

Um.

Another hidden door opens up to a large chamber with a monolith at the center. She touches her hand to similar markings on the monolith and golden liquid starts to pour out of it, which reveals symbols on the monolith itself. Since they can't read them, Kelsey takes pictures of them and makes a charcoal rubbing of the monolith (which shouldn't be possible since their packs got soaked through, unless it just wasn't mentioned that the rubbing supplies were also waterproofed).

Also the golden liquid is acid and it eats through her shoelace. For some reason.

But, oh no! The ground starts shaking and the monolith splits open! And now acid is coming towards them! But it's okay because Ren, who is the only one who did anything this entire chapter, manages to knock a hole in the wall. They can see stars on the other side. After they climb through the hole, another rocks falls down and seals off the cave, leaving Kelsey and Ren outside in the jungle.

That's the end of the chapter.

Closing Thoughts

So, I think this entire chapter was just stolen from Indiana Jones? It reads like a video game walkthrough of a tutorial dungeon. I feel like it maybe would have worked better in a visual medium, but here it's not very exciting to read. Mostly because we're not even halfway through the book, and so far the protagonists have easily solved every problem placed in front of them. There's no question of failure, so it really drags while you're trying to read it.

This has also been one of my favorite chapters, but not for the right reason. Mr. Kadam adding nothing to the plot but boring exposition that doesn't matter? Loads of errors in a published novel? Research inaccuracies? Terrible dialogue? Forced romantic tension that doesn't matter because it's obvious our leads are going to get together? This chapter has it all!

Next time, Chapter Twelve: Durga's Prophecy! Kelsey tries to figure out what the prophecy actually is, because this book has lots of filler, and we get to meet a new character. He's edgy.