Chapter 19: Hampi

Last time, we met Durga! She gave our protagonists some cool stuff and then told them to leave.

That's seriously all that happened.

Chapter Nineteen: Hampi

We're in the homestretch, folks. Chapter 19 out of 24 and an epilogue. Too bad we still have a third of the book left to go!

Kelsey and Ren have met back up with Mr. Kadam, and Kelsey fills Mr. Kadam in on the details about what happened in Durga's temple. He badgers her with questions about what the inside of the temple was like. I know I mentioned this last time, but what exactly was keeping him from going inside the temple in the first place? Even if it was important for the offering that only Kelsey and Ren be there (which isn't mentioned), what's stopping him from going in afterwards and looking around if he's so interested in what it's like? Or even before, since this is apparently a pretty popular tourist destination?

He's so interested in the story that he forgets to drop Ren off in the jungle before driving to their hotel. It's in the middle of the day (they eat dinner when they get back) and they're just in a Jeep, so they apparently just drove through a street in broad daylight with a tiger chilling in the back seat, that no one managed to notice. Sure.

Kelsey walks Ren out to the jungle and lets him know that he's welcome to stop by her room again that night. Kinky.

They eat dinner (omelettes with toast and papaya juice, if you're dying to know). Another hotel guest is cooking something next to them, and Kelsey thinks that it's smelly and then says that it might as well have been laundry, because Kelsey is not very nice when it comes to food she isn't familiar with. See, e.g., her incessant complaining about her foster mom's cooking.

She takes another plate back up to her room and thinks she's lucky that Mr. Kadam didn't ask why. I'm fully convinced that Mr. Kadam is aware of all of this because so far outside of being an exposition fountain he's been the most competent person in the story.

She gives the gada to Mr. Kadam for safekeeping (even though it was given to her by a goddess, Kelsey is too inept not to drop it down a hole or something), and realizes that she can't take Fanindra (the arm band that's really a cobra that can shapeshift into jewelry) off of her arm.

"Believe me," I said, "I would love to take Fanindra off. But if you saw the way she got on my arm, you'd want her to remain inanimate too."

You literally just had a conversation with a literal goddess that you're supposed to have a whole character arc about not judging things by their nature, i.e., not hating on Fanindra just because she's a snake. Guess a conversation with a goddess is so unimportant that Houck forgot about it, too.

Kelsey gets changed into her pajamas, "which took some doing." What? You're wearing an arm band, it's not that hard to take a shirt off because you're wearing what's basically a bracelet. She does tuck the top of the sleeve behind Fanindra's head, though, which is honestly a nice touch and does what the rest of the book has so far been failing to do--show Kelsey as having empathy. I like this, it's a cute little moment!

She taps on Fanindra's head (ow?) and tells her that she'd better not mind getting wet because she's going to take a shower in the morning. Which is kind of bossy, but sure. Then Kelsey tries to go to sleep but complains about how uncomfortable the arm band is, which is much more in keeping with how Kelsey's been portrayed thus far. Who said staying coiled up around someone's arm is comfortable, huh, Kelsey?

Ren wakes her up by scratching at her door. Even though he has hands and this will in all likelihood leave tiger scratch marks on the hotel's door, which is pretty conspicuous. The whole point of leaving Ren out in the jungle is to make it so he doesn't get poached or hunted or anything.

They cuddle for a bit and Kelsey is basically half-asleep the entire time. He sings for a bit and then turns back into a tiger, and Kelsey goes back to sleep.

Kelsey wakes up some time later and realizes that Fanindra isn't on her arm anymore! She turns the light on and it turns out she's sitting on the nightstand, still in jewelry form, but she's coiled differently. She's so freaked out by the fact that a snake crawled on her when she was asleep (oh no) that she almost asks Ren to sleep between them, but eventually decides to be brave and doesn't do that. Okay.

She tells Fanindra that she would appreciate that in the future she wouldn't crawl on her when she wasn't aware of it.

She didn't move or blink a green eye.

Do snakes blink? Pondering that deep question, I rolled back onto my side and fell back to sleep.

This is in no way even remotely a "deep" question. Also, no, they don't.

We don't really get an answer as to why Fanindra got off of her arm in the middle of the night. I think it's supposed to reiterate that Kelsey doesn't like snakes. But to me, it looks like Fanindra was caught up in a Kelsey-Ren cuddle session and was very uncomfortable with the whole situation. Which is pretty funny.

The next morning, Fanindra is back in arm band mode. Now she can take her off. No explanation as to why it's different now, unless you factor in my version and realize that Fanindra really doesn't want to have to deal with Ren anymore.

Kelsey uses a green ribbon to match Fanindra's eyes, which is, again, kind of a nice touch. Although I can't tell if it's because she's growing to like Fanindra (which is...unlikely, considering how much she's been complaining about the whole situation) or if it's because she just wants to accessorize properly.

They stop for breakfast on the way to Hampi (lassi and granola bars--seriously, I Do Not Care about every single thing that goes into your mouth, Kelsey) and she gives half of her lassi to Ren, who "'accidentally'" licks her hand while he's drinking it. Is it just me, or is it weird to read about the love interest licking our protagonist's hands? I don't like it.

It reminds me of that "scary story" people would tell at sleepovers where the girl was getting calls from inside of her house, and then when she went to bed she felt her dog licking her hand, but it was the intruder the whole time ~ooooooo~

"Ren! Thanks a lot. Now my hands are all sticky."

He leaned over and started licking my hands with more enthusiasm, swirling his pink tongue between my fingers.

Kinky.

Mr. Kadam laughs at this "joke," and I'm scarred for life.

They're finally getting to Hampi, and they can see Virupaksha Temple in the distance.

Again, since this is a tourist destination, they have to wait until night time to get Ren in. I have no idea where he's going to go, because based on all of the pictures I've managed to find it doesn't look like there's a convenient jungle for him to go hang out in.

So, like, do none of these very important cultural and religious sites have any form of security? Like, guards or even cameras or something? You can see what I think is a visitor's center in the picture I included.

Mr. Kadam and Kelsey go sightseeing looking for clues and leave Ren behind in more jungle.

Kelsey describes the temple as looking like "an upside-down waffle cone" which seems a little disrespectful? It's over two thousand years old and it looks like a really cool structure to me.

Like in Durga's temple, it looks like Houck did some research on tourist websites to see what the inside of Hampi looks like, and it goes on for far too long.

As we wandered the temple, Mr. Kadam reminded me that we were looking for a passageway to Kishkinda, a word ruled by monkeys.

You had to be reminded of this? You learned about this in chapter TWELVE. You literally just had a conversation about this with DURGA HERSELF. We already know what Kishkinda is! We've already had the whole thing explained to us! We, unlike you, can remember things that happened more than a page ago!

I'm not kidding when I say that this chapter is what made me decide to spork this book. The lack of understanding that Houck has that her readers have more brains than a rock is astonishing to me. We've been reading this book, too--and we have literally known about this for almost two hundred and fifty pages (on Kindle, anyway).

WHAT THE FUCK.

Mr. Kadam says that they're likely looking for another hand indentation like in Durga's temple. He says that the prophecy also mentions snakes, so they should keep a lookout for that, too.

More snakes, I thought, cringing. A doorway to a mythical world? Things just keep getting stranger and stranger the deeper I get into this adventure.

YOU SPOKE TO A LITERAL GODDESS IN THE LAST CHAPTER. THIS ISN'T THAT FAR OUT OF LEFT FIELD.

As the day progressed, I became so dazzled by the ruins that I completely forgot our purpose in being there.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Am I overreacting? Probably. But this is so incredibly frustrating. It's frustrating because the last three hundred and some pages have mattered so little to the protagonist that she forgets the whole thing the minute anything else happens.

And now we get to take a tour of Hampi, but told through text by a narrator who has no idea how to describe things! Oh, joy!

They stop and look at the Stone Chariot, which is "a stonework carving of a miniaturized temple set on wheels" with lotus-shaped wheels. I can picture it so clearly!

It's also a lot bigger than the text makes it sound.

Then they stop in Vithala temple, which has pillars that make a musical note when struck. A tour guide explains this, which saves Mr. Kadam the trouble, I guess.

The Queen's Bath (as exposited by Mr. Kadam for two unbearably long paragraphs) is where the king and his queens would hang out. He says that the king was the only man allowed to enter.

I frowned at him. "Umm, if the king was the only man to enter, then how is it you know so many details about the ladies' pool?"

Um, Mr. Kadam was specifically describing the Queen's Bath at Hampi. Unless he lived literally in Hampi (which he didn't), why would he have such intimate knowledge about the inside of this specific building? Unless every palace had a similar building, which I guess is possible.

He stroked his beard and grinned.

Shocked, I whispered, "Mr. Kadam! You didn't break into the king's harem, did you?"

He shrugged his shoulders lightly. "It was a rite of passage for a young man to try to break into the Queen's Bath, and several died trying. I happen to be one of the braver few who lived through the experience."

Why are all of the good guys in this story such creeps?

Also, you can't say that several people died during a "rite of passage" that presumably a lot of people take part in, and then say that you're one of the few people who lived. That makes no sense.

She asks if Ren and Kishan did, and he says that's a better question to ask them personally. Womp womp!

Apparently getting as bored as I am, Kelsey then just starts listing places off. Is this supposed to be a reference for people who have been to Hampi? Because I haven't, and it's very boring to read.

She mentions that her favorite place is the elephant stables, which had originally housed eleven elephants for "ritual" purposes, whatever that means. Mr. Kadam makes a point of saying why these particular elephants were special, but then doesn't clarify what made them special. This is what reading this book is like.

Finally (good) they stop by a statue of Urga Narasimha, a god who is half-man and half-lion. 

Trying to get Mr. Kadam's attention, I repeated, "Who is he? He's a pretty ugly fellow."

Which, rude. Although I did almost caption the picture with "and half-muppet," so I suppose I'm also kind of horrible.

This time, Mr. Kadam replied, "Ugra Narasimha is a half-man, half-lion god, though he can assume other forms as well. He was supposed to look frightening and impressive. He is most famous for slaying a powerful demon king. What's interesting is that this demon king could not be killed either on earth or in space, during day or night, not inside or outside, by neither human nor animal, nor by any object that was dead or alive."

This seems to be true! The terms of the immortality seem to be different depending on which source you're getting it from, but these seem to be at least in line with those. I mean, Narasimha is an aspect of Vishnu, but since all of that whole "avatar of another god" thing is ignored here, sure.

"You sure do seem to have a lot of unslayable demons running around in India. So how did he kill the demon king?"

"Ah, Ugra Narasimha was very clever. He picked up the demon king, placed him in his lap, and then killed him at twilight, on a doorstep, with his claws."

Ha! That's actually a cool story that I didn't know about before this, so--

I laughed. "Sounds like Miss Scarlett, in the conservatory, with a candlestick."

Ha, I mean, not really, but I think--

"Hmm, day or night, that's twilight, inside or outside was the doorstep, and he was half human and half lion, so that covers animal/human requirement." [sic--there should be a "the" before "animal/human"]

Oh...oh, no, she's really working through this step by step, isn't she--

"Not on earth or space is his lap. . . what was the other one?"

He answered, "He could not be killed by an object that was dead or alive, specifically, animate or inanimate, so he used his claws."

"Huh. That is pretty clever."

I'm not joking when I say that this specific passage is what made me decide to spork this. Every time I see this passage, I am consumed by an all-encompassing incandescent rage.

YOUR READERS ARE NOT STUPID! WE CAN FIGURE THIS STUFF OUT FOR OURSELVES WITHOUT HAVING EVERY *SINGLE* THING SPOON-FED TO US.

I'm starting to run out of ways to format how angry I'm getting. I'm using, like, all of the modifications to plain type that I can.

"I'm impressed, Kelsey. You figured out most of those on your own."

If I spend any more time on this I literally think I'm going to have an aneurysm, so let's keep going.

There are snakes curled up and around the statue (the umbrella thing in the picture is made up of a bunch of snakes forming a cobra hood), so they think that this might be a useful clue. Mr. Kadam reminds Kelsey that the prophecy said "let serpents guide you" which means that, since it's plural, it's probably not talking about Fanindra. Since this is the only place where there are snakes, the statue must be important. They figure that this is where they should come with Ren after dark.

Mr. Kadam mentions that there will be guards there at night, which I brought up as a concern earlier. I don't think this comes back. Mr. Kadam says that since there aren't any roads around Hampi, they'll have to take the Jeep off road. I'm not sure how this will prevent guards from seeing you when you're literally the only car driving around, but whatever.

Mr. Kadam gives Kelsey the gada, and it turns out that even though it's light to Kelsey, it's really heavy to Mr. Kadam.

So, moving ahead to that night, Mr. Kadam apparently can't go with them again for Reasons, so he gives them a flashlight and a physical copy of the prophecy, but then tells them not to use the flashlight too much because of the guards. Why are we just now concerned with guards when every other place they went to that was also a tourist destination didn't have anything?

He squeezed my shoulders and smiled. "Good luck, Miss Kelsey. Remember that you might not find anything at all. We might have to start all over again tomorrow night, but we have plenty of time. Don't fret. There's no pressure."

That's because this whole plot has zero stakes. There's no ticking clock, so there's no consequence to failure, which is boring.

Kelsey and Ren start heading towards Hampi, and suddenly a green light comes out of nowhere. It turns out that it's coming from Fanindra's eyes. Okay, so now we have "extra powers when convenient" to add to the story. Why can Fanindra do this?

They get to the statue and spend an hour (!) searching around, which is a really long time to not get found by security guard when you're surrounded by a ghostly green light and a five hundred pound tiger.

Kelsey mentions that it's too bad that they don't have anything to offer to the statue, and that they don't have a bell. Why isn't this part of their normal adventuring gear by this point? Wouldn't it be convenient to be able to talk to Durga whenever you wanted? This makes no sense.

This does give Kelsey an idea, though, and she runs over to the temple with the musical pillars and hits a few of them. This still somehow doesn't alert any security guards, which even Kelsey thinks is strange. This does something, though, as one of the statue snake's eyes start glowing red and a small Durga figurine appears.

The mouth of the statue opens up and mist starts to come out, and soon they can't see anything through the fog. Kelsey climbs up on the statue to try to see anything, but she can't, and in predictable Kelsey fashion she falls off and breaks her fingernail. This gives her the idea to reenact the Ugra Narasimha story she heard earlier.

Um. Why?

Also, this would have been a cool opportunity for, like, a fight scene or something. A big unkillable monster could come out and they'd have to fight it using the old story! That would be cool and exciting! Plus consequences for failure, something this story desperately needs!

Kelsey says that Ren can stand in for Ugra Narasimha, since he's a human/animal hybrid, and that she'll stand in for the demon king. And, just in case you didn't get it the first time, Kelsey explains the steps in full detail. Again!

Sorry.

They go stand in a doorway, and, in an admittedly clever way to create "neither day nor night," use the flashlight. See, this is a creative way to update the myths to modern day! Flashlights didn't exist when the original fight happened, but this is another way to create something between night and day!

The claws are obviously Ren's claws, and she says that he might need to scratch her, and possibly draw blood. I'm not sure how she reaches this conclusion, but at least something is happening now.

She closes her eyes in preparation, and she hears something getting scratched, but it isn't her.

He lifted his leg, and I saw vicious rips where his claws had raked through his fur to the flesh.

Yeah, instead of poking Kelsey and getting a drop of blood, Ren decided to cripple himself instead. Despite knowing that they're about to head into a dangerous kingdom full of evil monkeys, where being unable to fight might get them both killed.

Real smart, Ren.

But it's ~romantic~ because he doesn't want to hurt Kelsey, I guess. Kelsey responds by saying about the same thing, but in a way no human would ever talk:

"I know you can heal fast, but really, Ren. Did you have to wound yourself so deeply? You know it might not work anyway if I don't bleed. I appreciate your sacrifice, but I still want you to slash me. I'm the one representing the demon king, so cut me . . . preferably not as deep as that."

He still doesn't want to, so she physically picks up his paw and puts it on her, but then he retracts his claws! Womp womp!

Then he barely scratches her and doesn't even leave a mark. Comedy!

He finally bucks up and scratches her hard enough to draw a tiny bit of blood, which is apparently good enough. She climbs up on his back (the neither earth or space thing).

Even though Ren was a big tiger and it would be like riding a small pony, I was still conscious that he was a man, and I didn't feel right about turning him into a pack animal.

I don't know, I think Ren would be pretty happy about you riding him. Heyooo!

He turns into a dude and picks her up in his arms instead. Being in immediate proximity to Ren's sculpted abs makes Kelsey's brain short circuit and she can no longer think about anything else, because Kelsey has about three brain cells.

I let myself enjoy the feeling of being cuddled up close to his muscular chest. What girl didn't want to be swept up in the arms of a drop-dead gorgeous man? I allowed my gaze to drift up to his beautiful face. The thought occurred to me that if I were to carve a stone god, I'd pick Ren as my subject. This Ugra half-lion and half-man guy had nothing on Ren.

lolwat

Okay, I swear I'll stop quoting at some point, but this chapter is just the worst. Ren catches Kelsey's vacant stare (I'll bet she's also drooling a bit) and then we get more flirting! He asks what she was thinking about (pecs) and she says it wasn't anything important.

"May I remind you that you are in prime tickling position, and there's no escape. Tell me."

Man, Tickled has ruined that for me hardcore.

Gads. His smile was brilliant, even in the fog.

GADS??????

"If you tickle me, I'll protest and struggle violently, which will cause you to drop me and ruin everything that we are trying to accomplish."

Why is Kelsey talking like a prim and proper lady all of a sudden?

He grunted, leaned close to my ear, and whispered, "That sounds like an interesting challenge, rajkumari. Perhaps we shall experiment with it later. And just for the record, Kelsey, I wouldn't drop you."

Eight people have highlighted this passage, by the way.

Kelsey says that nothing seems to be happening to the statue.

He laughed throatily while nuzzling my ear and declared softly, "I'd say that something is happening, but not the something that will open the doorway."

Not enough YA love interests talk about their penises.

They kiss for a bit (um, security guards, remember? You're even using your flashlight) and then decide to head back and try again in the morning. They find a hiding spot and go to sleep. They're discovered by an angry guard and then Kelsey gets sent to jail. The end.

Nah, just kidding, but I can dream.

Fanindra turns into a snake and slithers off of Kelsey's arm and onto the statue. When she gets to the top, where the snakes are, the snakes on the statue come to life, too. Then Fanindra goes back to Kelsey and turns back into an arm band. I have no idea why this happened in the morning, other than the fact that the flashlight wasn't enough, and they had to wait until dawn. I'm just annoyed about the fact that one of the few clever bits of the story didn't actually do anything.

The snakes coil up and lift the statue, revealing an opening with steps leading down into darkness. It's the entrance to Kishkinda! Kelsey and Ren start heading down the steps, and the chapter ends.

Closing Thoughts

This is literally the chapter that made me decide to spork this book. It's emblematic of pretty much everything that doesn't work in this book.

But, hey, some action in the next chapter! Maybe we won't have to hear any more about Ren's erection.

Next time: Chapter Twenty: Trials! We get to meet some Kappas, which is weird considering they're from Chinese folklore [edit from the future: Japanese folklore] and not Hindu mythology, but whatever!