Chapter 22: Escape
Last time, Kelsey and Ren acted really out of character and bickered the entire time. Then the antagonist showed up, and even though I've been asking for it the entire time, it still had no impact because only Kelsey saw him and she has no idea who he is.
Oh, and they got the Golden Fruit, I guess. You know, the entire plot of this book.
Chapter Twenty-Two: Escape
Kelsey passed out (again) at the ending of the last chapter, so we pick up with her waking up in Ren's arms because Romance. Kelsey's still in indecisive hypocritical mode and thinks, "He was holding me in his arms, cradling me close, and I liked it. I didn't want to like it, but I did."
Ren's still holding onto her, so she yells at him to set her down. She even says she's not sure why she yells at him, and repeats (again) that she can't think straight when he's touching her. I will reiterate that if your higher brain function stops working when the person you have a crush on touches you, that's not super normal.
Ren asks Kelsey to explain what happened, and she says that she had a vision of Mr. Kadam, herself, and "some scary man." Ren is immediately suspicious when he hears about the antagonist, and Kelsey says that he looked like a mob boss.
"Was he Indian?"
Because that narrows it down so much, Ren.
Kelsey asks where the Golden Fruit is. Well, she actually asks, "Ren? Where's the golden fruit?" Because consistent capitalization is for chumps. Seriously, it alternates between "Golden Fruit" and "golden fruit" pretty much every other time they mention it, which is very annoying. This book was published! It's like it's never been edited at all!
They hide the fruit in her backpack, and Kelsey makes it very obvious that she's avoiding physical contact with Ren, so he gets angry again. Um, I agree with Ren that Kelsey completely cutting off any sort of physical contact out of nowhere doesn't make a lot of sense, she's not obligated to let you touch her, dude. Let's just agree that they're both being terrible in these couple of chapters.
"What, you can't even touch me now?"
I mean, this didn't start just now. It's been going on all last chapter, too.
"Nice to know I disgust you so much! Too bad you couldn't convince Kishan to come with you so you could avoid being with me altogether!"
And now he's sounding like a whiny child! Great!
Kelsey ignores him, and he makes another annoying comment.
"Maybe Kishan would have been less of a jerk. And for the record, Mr. Sarcastic, I don't like you very much right now."
He narrowed his eyes at me. "Welcome to the club, Kells. Shall we proceed?"
This is supposed to be the two of them sniping at each other immaturely, but if you read it how it's actually written, it says that Ren doesn't like himself very much. Which is not the case, because Ren thinks he's perfect.
They have a cliched "Fine!" argument, which is really dumb. They start heading out back into the city away from the tree and the ground starts rumbling.
"Uh, Kells? I think it might be wise to exit the city as soon as possible."
Which is why you picked the longest and least human way of saying that as you could. The dialogue in this book is so bad, guys.
The monkey statues they walked past last chapter all start coming to life.
The screeches became cacophonous, and the noise level was incredible.
Yes, that's what "cacophonous" means. You just said the exact same thing twice in a row.
I yelled over at Ren as I ran, "Perfect! Now we're being chased by hoards of monkeys!" [sic]
It's hordes, Houck. Just because there isn't a red squiggly line underneath the word doesn't mean it's the right word. This is the THIRD TIME this mistake has been made in this book.
I'm getting really worked up about this.
"Perhaps you would care to name their species as we're attacked, just so I can appreciate the special traits of said monkey as it kills me!"
Because that was such a funny joke in the last chapter?
Also, they're running as fast as they possibly can during this little monologue here. Now I'm not the most in-shape person in the world, but I don't think Kelsey is, either, given the amount of times she's complained about being out of breath after running for a long time. If I was running as fast as I could away from killer monkeys I don't think I'd have the lung capacity to snipe at people, let alone the motivation to do so.
Ren's hanging back by Kelsey, and she tells him to leave her behind and get the fruit out of there. She seems to have forgotten the whole curse thing again, because she's not very smart. You've been told I don't know how many times that you're the only one who can break the curse, dummy.
He laughed acerbically as he ran ahead of me; then, he turned to look at me while jogging backward, "Ha! You wish you could get rid of me that easily!"
I'm glad the main characters are taking the climactic action scene seriously.
He turns into a tiger and bowls into the crowd of monkeys behind them. There are a whole lot of monkeys chasing them at this point. Most of them are attacking Ren, but a few are following Kelsey.
A dozen or so monkeys were still chasing me, including the huge baboon from the reflecting pool.
This is literally the first reference to the baboon from the reflecting pool. I guess Kelsey twisted the figure of the baboon around to reveal the tree, but there was zero description of these statues also coming to life.
One of the monkeys grabs onto her leg and bites her. Fanindra comes to life and spits at the monkey at it lets go.
Seriously, Fanindra might be my favorite character because she actually does stuff. She's a badass snake arm band that accomplishes things, and also seems to have characterization despite not talking at all!
Kelsey takes the gada back out of the backpack. Again, this is the only weapon you have. It should not be stowed away where you can't get it. She manages to hit a few of them, but since it's Kelsey, she sucks at it. None of the monkeys it hits die, which is absolutely crazy considering a singly strike from this thing can chop down a tree or break through a stone pillar. But that would be expecting consistency, which I have given up on completely.
They get across the river where the needle trees are, and the trees start grabbing most of the monkeys. Um, don't the monkeys live there? You'd think they'd know how to avoid them.
The baboon is still after Kelsey, and manages to dodge the gada. It starts beating on her with its arms (even though baboons primarily attack with their giant teeth because they're quadrupeds, but okay).
A tiny monkey sat on my shoulders and tugged on my braids so hard that it brought tears to my eyes.
This is a fantastic mental image. Thank you, Houck.
Ren finishes fighting his group of monkeys and pulls the little one off of her head, and then threatens the baboon away. Then the remaining monkeys high-tail it back to the city and everything goes quiet.
So, were the monkeys supposed to be the guardians in the prophecy? Because they didn't guard anything.
Ren asks if Kelsey is okay, and says, "That was a pygmy marmoset, by the way. Just in case you were wondering."
I'll admit that I had a sensible chuckle. It's a legitimately funny line.
Kelsey ruins it by saying, "Thank you, oh Walking Monkey Dictionary." Which is both not really all that funny, and uses the wrong word. That should be "O Walking Monkey Dictionary," Kelsey.
Kelsey says that they're pretty lucky that they made it out of the city relatively unscathed. Ren complains about having monkey bites all over him, but he doesn't get to complain because he heals almost instantly. So, uh, hopefully this curse also deals with infections and stuff, too, because monkey bites are not going to be sanitary.
Ren uses the gada to take out trees on their way back. Even though they're taking the same route back by the river and they didn't need to do that on the way in, since there weren't a lot of trees by the river. See, I can remember things that happen in previous chapters, Houck.
I started to feel guilty about the way I had been treating him.
Um, you should? You've been very mean for no reason.
All of a sudden, the Kappa in the river start to perk their heads up. I'm going to not capitalize "kappa" from this moment on, because it shouldn't be capitalized, but rest assured that it's capitalized in the original text. Anyway, they're showing interest in what Kelsey and Ren are doing now, and it's not explained what the difference is. I'm guessing it's because they have the fruit, but this is never actually confirmed.
I couldn't stop staring at them. They were horrible! They stank like a fetid swamp, and when they blinked, their lids moved sideways like a crocodile's.
Their flesh was pale, almost diaphanous, and their pulsing black veins could be seen under their clammy skin. . . .
Not sure why that's broken up into two paragraphs, but that's actually an okay description. They're pretty spooky. They also seem to be a weird combination of the Chinese water monkeys and the true Japanese kappa, but sure.
Ren raises the gada and Kelsey suggests that he should try bowing to them. She just found out about this a couple of hours (?) ago, and Ren was the one who told her about it, so I'm not sure why he has suddenly forgot about this. They try to bow, but it doesn't work. So, that was pointless. Why even use kappa if you're going to ignore the important thing about kappas?
They start running, and even more kappa start to get out of the water.
Their powerful, muscular legs were covered in brine and pond scum, and their long tails curled like a monkey's, but ended in a transparent caudal fin.
For someone with a self-expressed disdain for biology, Kelsey's throwing around some biological terminology all of a sudden. You can say fish tail, it's okay.
They move weird to keep their head level, and they're big. These things are actually pretty scary. But I'm just imagining them keeping their heads perfectly still like a chicken, which is a funny image.
A horde of white Kappa vampires descended upon us, closing the distance quickly.
Oh, now you use the right "horde"! Now you're just rubbing it in my face! Also, they're vampires now. I thought the whole legend that Ren just described a couple of chapters ago said that kappa drown their victims, not suck their blood.
Ren tells Kelsey to run into the needle trees. Kelsey tries to argue because the trees will also be trying to kill him, but Ren says to follow him anyway. Once in the trees, Ren beats out a small clearing for Kelsey to stay in while he tries to get the kappa to follow him into living trees. But then he leaves her with the backpack, which completely destroys my "they're after the fruit" theory, since most of them chase him anyway. So, why do the kappa attack them now instead of before? Because.
Kelsey sits down and falls asleep.
WHAT??????? I get that you're tired, but you're in the middle of the climax of the book! You're running for your life from evil supernatural monsters that are actively trying to kill you! This book is dumb.
Yeah, so falling asleep in the middle of a giant chase scene wasn't the best plan, because a kappa shows up and bites her neck. It starts drinking her blood. Kelsey tries punching it, but it doesn't do anything. Um, Kelsey, you have the gada in your backpack. It's right next to you. You idiot.
I heard a crash, followed by a very angry roar. Then I saw a warrior angel rise up above me. He was magnificent!
What is it with terrible YA constantly comparing the love interest to an angel? It happens a lot.
Anyway, Ren pulls the kappa off of her and tries to talk to her, but she can't hear what he's saying. She can't talk, either. Ren carries her off to a safer place.
After a scene break, Kelsey wakes up, and they're somewhere else. Kelsey feels like she's on fire, which I guess is supposed to mean that the kappa were venomous or something. I dunno.
"I'm so sorry. I should never have left you alone. This should have happened to me, not to you. You don't deserve this."
Yeah, based on the last 500 times you left her alone and something bad happened, I'm not sure why this was supposed to go any differently.
Kelsey's in pain.
The pain was beyond anything I'd ever felt before. Ren bathed my face with a cool wet towel, but nothing could distract me from the fire burning in my veins. It was excruciating!
Yeah, you just showed us that it was excruciating. You don't have to repeat what you just said but in a worse way. You're detracting from what could be an effective description of what's happening.
Fanindra comes to life and bites Kelsey a few times, injecting her own venom into Kelsey. It's gold for some reason.
I was dying. I knew it. I didn't blame Fanindra. She was a snake, after all, and probably just didn't want me to suffer anymore.
Which is kind of an okay thought? Look, I just like Fanindra, she's pretty cool. It's also not accurate. Yeah, we're not going to kill off our main character. Which is obvious, since it's narrated in first person.
All of the black gunk from the kappa comes out of her neck. Kelsey feels numb from the cobra venom, and wants to apologize for how she's been treating Ren.
I wanted to tell Ren the truth. I wanted to say that he was the best friend I'd ever had. That I was sorry about the way I'd treated him. I wanted to tell him . . . that I loved him.
Glad that character arc has been resolved in...one paragraph. Neat.
She doesn't say any of this because her throat is closing up, which saves her from having any interesting conversations with Ren as she's dying. This book is full of wasted opportunities.
All I could do was look at him as he knelt over me.
That's okay. Looking at his gorgeous face one last time is enough for me. I'll die a happy woman.
Her eyes close and all she can feel is Ren's arms around her.
Even better. I can't open my eyes to see him anymore, but I can feel his arms around me. My warrior angel can carry me in his arms up to heaven.
So, like, is Kelsey religious or not? She' s had no reaction to the whole Hindu gods being real thing, as I've mentioned before, and she's the chosen one of Durga. She's spoken to a goddess that isn't part of the Christian faith. But here she is, talking about how Ren is an angel that's going to take her to Heaven. Does she not believe in Heaven, and that's why it's not capitalized like it should be if you're talking about the Christian Heaven? What is even happening anymore?
Kelsey passes out again. She's spent a lot of this book unconscious. Is she going to be okay??? Of course! This is the first book in a series narrated in first person.
After a scene break, Kelsey wakes up again and she feels pretty crappy.
"This is too painful for heaven; this must be hell."
An annoyingly happy voice admonished, "No. You're not in hell, Kelsey."
Why is Ren's voice described as being "annoyingly happy"? He's happy that you're not dead! You almost died! Also, I thought you just decided that you loved him? You had a whole inner monologue about it.
Ren gets her some water and helps her drink it, and some of the water gets on her T-shirt. Kelsey complains that her shirt is wet now, and Ren says, "Perhaps that was my intention." Like she didn't just almost die!
Kelsey sits up and she's feeling better, but she does ask for some aspirin. Aspirin the wonder drug! Cures traumatic brain injury and vampire poison!
Ren tells her that they still have to go through the caves, and that she's been unconscious for two days. Kelsey says that the last thing she remembers was getting bitten by Fanindra. Ren helpfully describes her getting bitten by a kappa. Dude. She just said that she remembers that part.
Ren has his Oscar moment:
Quietly, he said, "I've seen a lot of things in my life. I've been in bloody battles. I've been with friends who were killed. I've seen terrible things done to man and beast, but I've never felt afraid.
"I've been troubled. I've been uneasy and tense. I've been in mortal danger, but I've never experienced that cold-sweat kind of fear, the kind that eats a man alive, brings him to his knees, and makes him beg. In fact, I've always prided myself on being above that. I thought that I'd suffered through and seen so much that nothing could scare me anymore. That nothing could bring me to that point."
He brushed a brief kiss on my neck [which Kelsey doesn't complain about, even though she does later...]. "I was wrong. When I found you and saw that . . . thing trying to kill you, I was enraged. I destroyed it without hesitation."
"The Kappa were terrifying."
"I wasn't afraid of the Kappa. I was afraid . . . that I'd lost you. I felt an unquenchable, gut-wrenching, corrosive fear. It was unbearable. The most agonizing part was realizing that I didn't want to live anymore if you were gone and knowing there was nothing I could do about it. I would be stuck forever in this miserable existence without you."
I'm quoting the entire thing in full because look how long it is. And we're not even learning anything new about Ren as a character! We already know that Ren is in love with Kelsey! He never shuts up about it! This would make more sense if Ren had been really closed-off the whole story before this, and this was the scene where he confessed to Kelsey that he also has feelings for her, but that's not the characterization we've gotten at all! He hasn't been able to keep his hands off of her! He's constantly kissing her! We already know this stuff!
Kelsey is happy that he feels this way but is still trying to break it off with him for Reasons. She says that he shouldn't worry because she's still there to help him break the curse, which he says doesn't matter. She eventually thanks him, and he hugs her, which she enjoys despite her misgivings. God, I love it when my protagonist is such a hypocrite.
I had almost died after all. I deserved some kind of reward for surviving, didn't I?
This cements Kelsey into being kind of awful. 1) She did nothing except for getting bitten by a kappa when she fell asleep in the middle of a chase scene (dumb) and 2) she knows that she's going to break it off in the future and is basically deriving some sort of sick pleasure from stringing him along. Seriously. Kelsey sucks.
Ren exposits that Fanindra's venom healed Kelsey, in case you couldn't figure out that golden snake venom that purged the poison from Kelsey's body saved her. Kelsey thanks Fanindra. I agree that Fanindra is the only useful character in the story, and she's a piece of jewelry most of the time.
They still have to walk through the tunnels like they did on the way in here. Kelsey still wants to avoid physical contact, but Ren forces her to hold his hand as they walk through. Which is pushy, sure, but it'll keep them from getting separated and dying. I suppose they could just tie themselves together with a piece of rope or something, but that would require Kelsey using her brain.
They go through the tunnel and the ghosts/mist monsters are back (even Circus Mario gets another cameo!), but they don't do anything as they walk through.
Ren whispered, "They can't become corporeal unless we pay attention to them."
How does Ren know this? He was having just as much trouble with them as Kelsey on the way into Kishkindha. But now he knows exactly how they work. When would he have had the time to figure this out? He didn't leave Kelsey for the two days she was unconscious.
Ren still held my hand in his warm grip after we emerged, and I tried to gently and inconspicuously free my hand from his. He looked at me and then at our entwined hands. He raised an eyebrow and grinned maliciously. I started tugging harder, but he merely tightened his grip. I finally had to wrench it away to get him to let go.
Yeah, they're not in mortal danger anymore. Ren's a dick.
He's also not angry about it anymore, even though this behavior made him mad before, and it will again later this chapter. So, like, is his being angry an act to make Kelsey feel guilty or something? Because that's what it seems like to me.
They bash their way through the last grove of needle trees and start walking through the tunnel that leads to the staircase back up to Hampi. Ren keeps trying to talk to her, but she ignores him, because Kelsey is annoying. When they get to the stairs, Ren says that he has one more thing to ask from Kelsey before they leave. He says that he wants her to kiss him before they leave.
Kelsey is surprised and annoyed. Ren responds, "Humor me, Kells. This is the end of the line for me.
Um, but it kind of isn't, though? You can already turn into a dude. It's not for a super long time, granted, but that hasn't stopped you before.
We're leaving a place where I get to be a man all the time,
Yeah, we know, dude. We've been paying attention.
and I only have my tiger's life to look forward to.
Uh, but you're not a tiger all the time, though.
So, yes, I want you to kiss me one more time."
Even though Kelsey doesn't want to. Romance!
Kelsey says that even if they managed to break the curse, he can go around kissing all the girls he wants to, echoing her earlier concern that she's not good enough for him. He says he's not interested in kissing other girls. Um, yeah, that may be true, but just because you want to kiss Kelsey doesn't mean you get to, if she doesn't want you to. Creep.
She kisses him on the cheek, and when he says that's not good enough, she gives him a small peck on the lips, and he's still not satisfied. Comedy? Sexual harassment? You decide!
They kiss for real and it takes about a page and a half, which is about a page and a half too long for a description of a kiss.
I felt the little love plant inside me stretch, swell, and unfurl its leaves, like he was pouring Love Potion # 9 over the thing.
lolwut
Kelsey rationalizes that she can at least enjoy the kiss and break it off with him later, which is really manipulative, I think. I'm liking Kelsey less and less as we go through this chapter, and I really hated her to begin with.
Kelsey's brain stops short circuiting and she yells at him (again). She says that now he has what he wanted they can leave.
He leapt up the stairs two at a time. "That's not all I want, Kelsey. That's for sure."
READ THE ROOM, dude. She's not into it! Stop!!!
As soon as he steps foot back into Hampi, he turns back into a tiger.
I laughed mockingly. "Ha!" I tripped over a stone but quickly found my footing. "Serves you right!" I shouted angrily and stumbled blindly across the dim path.
Stay classy, Kelsey!
Also, we're not sure how much time has passed yet since they left Hampi. If no time has passed, there will still be security guards around. If the same amount of time has passed, they either still have to worry about security guards or about stumbling out of a giant statue in the middle of a crowd of tourists. This is never brought up as a concern.
Also, wouldn't someone notice that the famous Ugra Narasimha statue is gone and there's a magic staircase where it used to be? This is dumb.
Kelsey sets off to find Mr. Kadam on her own, and the chapter ends.
Closing Thoughts
Hey, I hate this chapter! Kelsey flip-flops back and forth between hating Ren for no reason (well, no good reason that she gives, as I hope I've made it clear that there are plenty of good reasons to hate Ren), and being really into him like she's been the whole rest of the book before this. These two feelings can't really coexist, so instead of picking one, Houck decided to try to justify being into him by saying that she'll just break up with him later. That's worse! She's a horrible person!
Next time, Chapter Twenty-Three: Six Hours! More petty arguing between Kelsey and Ren. Joy.
Only two more chapters, and an epilogue, folks. We're almost done.
With the first book, at least. Ouch.
Oh, and they got the Golden Fruit, I guess. You know, the entire plot of this book.
Chapter Twenty-Two: Escape
Kelsey passed out (again) at the ending of the last chapter, so we pick up with her waking up in Ren's arms because Romance. Kelsey's still in indecisive hypocritical mode and thinks, "He was holding me in his arms, cradling me close, and I liked it. I didn't want to like it, but I did."
Ren's still holding onto her, so she yells at him to set her down. She even says she's not sure why she yells at him, and repeats (again) that she can't think straight when he's touching her. I will reiterate that if your higher brain function stops working when the person you have a crush on touches you, that's not super normal.
Ren asks Kelsey to explain what happened, and she says that she had a vision of Mr. Kadam, herself, and "some scary man." Ren is immediately suspicious when he hears about the antagonist, and Kelsey says that he looked like a mob boss.
"Was he Indian?"
Because that narrows it down so much, Ren.
Kelsey asks where the Golden Fruit is. Well, she actually asks, "Ren? Where's the golden fruit?" Because consistent capitalization is for chumps. Seriously, it alternates between "Golden Fruit" and "golden fruit" pretty much every other time they mention it, which is very annoying. This book was published! It's like it's never been edited at all!
They hide the fruit in her backpack, and Kelsey makes it very obvious that she's avoiding physical contact with Ren, so he gets angry again. Um, I agree with Ren that Kelsey completely cutting off any sort of physical contact out of nowhere doesn't make a lot of sense, she's not obligated to let you touch her, dude. Let's just agree that they're both being terrible in these couple of chapters.
"What, you can't even touch me now?"
I mean, this didn't start just now. It's been going on all last chapter, too.
"Nice to know I disgust you so much! Too bad you couldn't convince Kishan to come with you so you could avoid being with me altogether!"
And now he's sounding like a whiny child! Great!
Kelsey ignores him, and he makes another annoying comment.
"Maybe Kishan would have been less of a jerk. And for the record, Mr. Sarcastic, I don't like you very much right now."
He narrowed his eyes at me. "Welcome to the club, Kells. Shall we proceed?"
This is supposed to be the two of them sniping at each other immaturely, but if you read it how it's actually written, it says that Ren doesn't like himself very much. Which is not the case, because Ren thinks he's perfect.
They have a cliched "Fine!" argument, which is really dumb. They start heading out back into the city away from the tree and the ground starts rumbling.
"Uh, Kells? I think it might be wise to exit the city as soon as possible."
Which is why you picked the longest and least human way of saying that as you could. The dialogue in this book is so bad, guys.
The monkey statues they walked past last chapter all start coming to life.
The screeches became cacophonous, and the noise level was incredible.
Yes, that's what "cacophonous" means. You just said the exact same thing twice in a row.
I yelled over at Ren as I ran, "Perfect! Now we're being chased by hoards of monkeys!" [sic]
It's hordes, Houck. Just because there isn't a red squiggly line underneath the word doesn't mean it's the right word. This is the THIRD TIME this mistake has been made in this book.
I'm getting really worked up about this.
"Perhaps you would care to name their species as we're attacked, just so I can appreciate the special traits of said monkey as it kills me!"
Because that was such a funny joke in the last chapter?
Also, they're running as fast as they possibly can during this little monologue here. Now I'm not the most in-shape person in the world, but I don't think Kelsey is, either, given the amount of times she's complained about being out of breath after running for a long time. If I was running as fast as I could away from killer monkeys I don't think I'd have the lung capacity to snipe at people, let alone the motivation to do so.
Ren's hanging back by Kelsey, and she tells him to leave her behind and get the fruit out of there. She seems to have forgotten the whole curse thing again, because she's not very smart. You've been told I don't know how many times that you're the only one who can break the curse, dummy.
He laughed acerbically as he ran ahead of me; then, he turned to look at me while jogging backward, "Ha! You wish you could get rid of me that easily!"
I'm glad the main characters are taking the climactic action scene seriously.
He turns into a tiger and bowls into the crowd of monkeys behind them. There are a whole lot of monkeys chasing them at this point. Most of them are attacking Ren, but a few are following Kelsey.
A dozen or so monkeys were still chasing me, including the huge baboon from the reflecting pool.
This is literally the first reference to the baboon from the reflecting pool. I guess Kelsey twisted the figure of the baboon around to reveal the tree, but there was zero description of these statues also coming to life.
One of the monkeys grabs onto her leg and bites her. Fanindra comes to life and spits at the monkey at it lets go.
Seriously, Fanindra might be my favorite character because she actually does stuff. She's a badass snake arm band that accomplishes things, and also seems to have characterization despite not talking at all!
Kelsey takes the gada back out of the backpack. Again, this is the only weapon you have. It should not be stowed away where you can't get it. She manages to hit a few of them, but since it's Kelsey, she sucks at it. None of the monkeys it hits die, which is absolutely crazy considering a singly strike from this thing can chop down a tree or break through a stone pillar. But that would be expecting consistency, which I have given up on completely.
They get across the river where the needle trees are, and the trees start grabbing most of the monkeys. Um, don't the monkeys live there? You'd think they'd know how to avoid them.
The baboon is still after Kelsey, and manages to dodge the gada. It starts beating on her with its arms (even though baboons primarily attack with their giant teeth because they're quadrupeds, but okay).
A tiny monkey sat on my shoulders and tugged on my braids so hard that it brought tears to my eyes.
This is a fantastic mental image. Thank you, Houck.
Ren finishes fighting his group of monkeys and pulls the little one off of her head, and then threatens the baboon away. Then the remaining monkeys high-tail it back to the city and everything goes quiet.
So, were the monkeys supposed to be the guardians in the prophecy? Because they didn't guard anything.
Ren asks if Kelsey is okay, and says, "That was a pygmy marmoset, by the way. Just in case you were wondering."
I'll admit that I had a sensible chuckle. It's a legitimately funny line.
Kelsey ruins it by saying, "Thank you, oh Walking Monkey Dictionary." Which is both not really all that funny, and uses the wrong word. That should be "O Walking Monkey Dictionary," Kelsey.
Kelsey says that they're pretty lucky that they made it out of the city relatively unscathed. Ren complains about having monkey bites all over him, but he doesn't get to complain because he heals almost instantly. So, uh, hopefully this curse also deals with infections and stuff, too, because monkey bites are not going to be sanitary.
Ren uses the gada to take out trees on their way back. Even though they're taking the same route back by the river and they didn't need to do that on the way in, since there weren't a lot of trees by the river. See, I can remember things that happen in previous chapters, Houck.
I started to feel guilty about the way I had been treating him.
Um, you should? You've been very mean for no reason.
All of a sudden, the Kappa in the river start to perk their heads up. I'm going to not capitalize "kappa" from this moment on, because it shouldn't be capitalized, but rest assured that it's capitalized in the original text. Anyway, they're showing interest in what Kelsey and Ren are doing now, and it's not explained what the difference is. I'm guessing it's because they have the fruit, but this is never actually confirmed.
I couldn't stop staring at them. They were horrible! They stank like a fetid swamp, and when they blinked, their lids moved sideways like a crocodile's.
Their flesh was pale, almost diaphanous, and their pulsing black veins could be seen under their clammy skin. . . .
Not sure why that's broken up into two paragraphs, but that's actually an okay description. They're pretty spooky. They also seem to be a weird combination of the Chinese water monkeys and the true Japanese kappa, but sure.
Ren raises the gada and Kelsey suggests that he should try bowing to them. She just found out about this a couple of hours (?) ago, and Ren was the one who told her about it, so I'm not sure why he has suddenly forgot about this. They try to bow, but it doesn't work. So, that was pointless. Why even use kappa if you're going to ignore the important thing about kappas?
They start running, and even more kappa start to get out of the water.
Their powerful, muscular legs were covered in brine and pond scum, and their long tails curled like a monkey's, but ended in a transparent caudal fin.
For someone with a self-expressed disdain for biology, Kelsey's throwing around some biological terminology all of a sudden. You can say fish tail, it's okay.
They move weird to keep their head level, and they're big. These things are actually pretty scary. But I'm just imagining them keeping their heads perfectly still like a chicken, which is a funny image.
A horde of white Kappa vampires descended upon us, closing the distance quickly.
Oh, now you use the right "horde"! Now you're just rubbing it in my face! Also, they're vampires now. I thought the whole legend that Ren just described a couple of chapters ago said that kappa drown their victims, not suck their blood.
Ren tells Kelsey to run into the needle trees. Kelsey tries to argue because the trees will also be trying to kill him, but Ren says to follow him anyway. Once in the trees, Ren beats out a small clearing for Kelsey to stay in while he tries to get the kappa to follow him into living trees. But then he leaves her with the backpack, which completely destroys my "they're after the fruit" theory, since most of them chase him anyway. So, why do the kappa attack them now instead of before? Because.
Kelsey sits down and falls asleep.
WHAT??????? I get that you're tired, but you're in the middle of the climax of the book! You're running for your life from evil supernatural monsters that are actively trying to kill you! This book is dumb.
Yeah, so falling asleep in the middle of a giant chase scene wasn't the best plan, because a kappa shows up and bites her neck. It starts drinking her blood. Kelsey tries punching it, but it doesn't do anything. Um, Kelsey, you have the gada in your backpack. It's right next to you. You idiot.
I heard a crash, followed by a very angry roar. Then I saw a warrior angel rise up above me. He was magnificent!
What is it with terrible YA constantly comparing the love interest to an angel? It happens a lot.
Anyway, Ren pulls the kappa off of her and tries to talk to her, but she can't hear what he's saying. She can't talk, either. Ren carries her off to a safer place.
After a scene break, Kelsey wakes up, and they're somewhere else. Kelsey feels like she's on fire, which I guess is supposed to mean that the kappa were venomous or something. I dunno.
"I'm so sorry. I should never have left you alone. This should have happened to me, not to you. You don't deserve this."
Yeah, based on the last 500 times you left her alone and something bad happened, I'm not sure why this was supposed to go any differently.
Kelsey's in pain.
The pain was beyond anything I'd ever felt before. Ren bathed my face with a cool wet towel, but nothing could distract me from the fire burning in my veins. It was excruciating!
Yeah, you just showed us that it was excruciating. You don't have to repeat what you just said but in a worse way. You're detracting from what could be an effective description of what's happening.
Fanindra comes to life and bites Kelsey a few times, injecting her own venom into Kelsey. It's gold for some reason.
I was dying. I knew it. I didn't blame Fanindra. She was a snake, after all, and probably just didn't want me to suffer anymore.
Which is kind of an okay thought? Look, I just like Fanindra, she's pretty cool. It's also not accurate. Yeah, we're not going to kill off our main character. Which is obvious, since it's narrated in first person.
All of the black gunk from the kappa comes out of her neck. Kelsey feels numb from the cobra venom, and wants to apologize for how she's been treating Ren.
I wanted to tell Ren the truth. I wanted to say that he was the best friend I'd ever had. That I was sorry about the way I'd treated him. I wanted to tell him . . . that I loved him.
Glad that character arc has been resolved in...one paragraph. Neat.
She doesn't say any of this because her throat is closing up, which saves her from having any interesting conversations with Ren as she's dying. This book is full of wasted opportunities.
All I could do was look at him as he knelt over me.
That's okay. Looking at his gorgeous face one last time is enough for me. I'll die a happy woman.
Her eyes close and all she can feel is Ren's arms around her.
Even better. I can't open my eyes to see him anymore, but I can feel his arms around me. My warrior angel can carry me in his arms up to heaven.
So, like, is Kelsey religious or not? She' s had no reaction to the whole Hindu gods being real thing, as I've mentioned before, and she's the chosen one of Durga. She's spoken to a goddess that isn't part of the Christian faith. But here she is, talking about how Ren is an angel that's going to take her to Heaven. Does she not believe in Heaven, and that's why it's not capitalized like it should be if you're talking about the Christian Heaven? What is even happening anymore?
Kelsey passes out again. She's spent a lot of this book unconscious. Is she going to be okay??? Of course! This is the first book in a series narrated in first person.
After a scene break, Kelsey wakes up again and she feels pretty crappy.
"This is too painful for heaven; this must be hell."
An annoyingly happy voice admonished, "No. You're not in hell, Kelsey."
Why is Ren's voice described as being "annoyingly happy"? He's happy that you're not dead! You almost died! Also, I thought you just decided that you loved him? You had a whole inner monologue about it.
Ren gets her some water and helps her drink it, and some of the water gets on her T-shirt. Kelsey complains that her shirt is wet now, and Ren says, "Perhaps that was my intention." Like she didn't just almost die!
Kelsey sits up and she's feeling better, but she does ask for some aspirin. Aspirin the wonder drug! Cures traumatic brain injury and vampire poison!
Ren tells her that they still have to go through the caves, and that she's been unconscious for two days. Kelsey says that the last thing she remembers was getting bitten by Fanindra. Ren helpfully describes her getting bitten by a kappa. Dude. She just said that she remembers that part.
Ren has his Oscar moment:
Quietly, he said, "I've seen a lot of things in my life. I've been in bloody battles. I've been with friends who were killed. I've seen terrible things done to man and beast, but I've never felt afraid.
"I've been troubled. I've been uneasy and tense. I've been in mortal danger, but I've never experienced that cold-sweat kind of fear, the kind that eats a man alive, brings him to his knees, and makes him beg. In fact, I've always prided myself on being above that. I thought that I'd suffered through and seen so much that nothing could scare me anymore. That nothing could bring me to that point."
He brushed a brief kiss on my neck [which Kelsey doesn't complain about, even though she does later...]. "I was wrong. When I found you and saw that . . . thing trying to kill you, I was enraged. I destroyed it without hesitation."
"The Kappa were terrifying."
"I wasn't afraid of the Kappa. I was afraid . . . that I'd lost you. I felt an unquenchable, gut-wrenching, corrosive fear. It was unbearable. The most agonizing part was realizing that I didn't want to live anymore if you were gone and knowing there was nothing I could do about it. I would be stuck forever in this miserable existence without you."
I'm quoting the entire thing in full because look how long it is. And we're not even learning anything new about Ren as a character! We already know that Ren is in love with Kelsey! He never shuts up about it! This would make more sense if Ren had been really closed-off the whole story before this, and this was the scene where he confessed to Kelsey that he also has feelings for her, but that's not the characterization we've gotten at all! He hasn't been able to keep his hands off of her! He's constantly kissing her! We already know this stuff!
Kelsey is happy that he feels this way but is still trying to break it off with him for Reasons. She says that he shouldn't worry because she's still there to help him break the curse, which he says doesn't matter. She eventually thanks him, and he hugs her, which she enjoys despite her misgivings. God, I love it when my protagonist is such a hypocrite.
I had almost died after all. I deserved some kind of reward for surviving, didn't I?
This cements Kelsey into being kind of awful. 1) She did nothing except for getting bitten by a kappa when she fell asleep in the middle of a chase scene (dumb) and 2) she knows that she's going to break it off in the future and is basically deriving some sort of sick pleasure from stringing him along. Seriously. Kelsey sucks.
Ren exposits that Fanindra's venom healed Kelsey, in case you couldn't figure out that golden snake venom that purged the poison from Kelsey's body saved her. Kelsey thanks Fanindra. I agree that Fanindra is the only useful character in the story, and she's a piece of jewelry most of the time.
They still have to walk through the tunnels like they did on the way in here. Kelsey still wants to avoid physical contact, but Ren forces her to hold his hand as they walk through. Which is pushy, sure, but it'll keep them from getting separated and dying. I suppose they could just tie themselves together with a piece of rope or something, but that would require Kelsey using her brain.
They go through the tunnel and the ghosts/mist monsters are back (even Circus Mario gets another cameo!), but they don't do anything as they walk through.
Ren whispered, "They can't become corporeal unless we pay attention to them."
How does Ren know this? He was having just as much trouble with them as Kelsey on the way into Kishkindha. But now he knows exactly how they work. When would he have had the time to figure this out? He didn't leave Kelsey for the two days she was unconscious.
Ren still held my hand in his warm grip after we emerged, and I tried to gently and inconspicuously free my hand from his. He looked at me and then at our entwined hands. He raised an eyebrow and grinned maliciously. I started tugging harder, but he merely tightened his grip. I finally had to wrench it away to get him to let go.
Yeah, they're not in mortal danger anymore. Ren's a dick.
He's also not angry about it anymore, even though this behavior made him mad before, and it will again later this chapter. So, like, is his being angry an act to make Kelsey feel guilty or something? Because that's what it seems like to me.
They bash their way through the last grove of needle trees and start walking through the tunnel that leads to the staircase back up to Hampi. Ren keeps trying to talk to her, but she ignores him, because Kelsey is annoying. When they get to the stairs, Ren says that he has one more thing to ask from Kelsey before they leave. He says that he wants her to kiss him before they leave.
Kelsey is surprised and annoyed. Ren responds, "Humor me, Kells. This is the end of the line for me.
Um, but it kind of isn't, though? You can already turn into a dude. It's not for a super long time, granted, but that hasn't stopped you before.
We're leaving a place where I get to be a man all the time,
Yeah, we know, dude. We've been paying attention.
and I only have my tiger's life to look forward to.
Uh, but you're not a tiger all the time, though.
So, yes, I want you to kiss me one more time."
Even though Kelsey doesn't want to. Romance!
Kelsey says that even if they managed to break the curse, he can go around kissing all the girls he wants to, echoing her earlier concern that she's not good enough for him. He says he's not interested in kissing other girls. Um, yeah, that may be true, but just because you want to kiss Kelsey doesn't mean you get to, if she doesn't want you to. Creep.
She kisses him on the cheek, and when he says that's not good enough, she gives him a small peck on the lips, and he's still not satisfied. Comedy? Sexual harassment? You decide!
They kiss for real and it takes about a page and a half, which is about a page and a half too long for a description of a kiss.
I felt the little love plant inside me stretch, swell, and unfurl its leaves, like he was pouring Love Potion # 9 over the thing.
lolwut
Kelsey rationalizes that she can at least enjoy the kiss and break it off with him later, which is really manipulative, I think. I'm liking Kelsey less and less as we go through this chapter, and I really hated her to begin with.
Kelsey's brain stops short circuiting and she yells at him (again). She says that now he has what he wanted they can leave.
He leapt up the stairs two at a time. "That's not all I want, Kelsey. That's for sure."
READ THE ROOM, dude. She's not into it! Stop!!!
As soon as he steps foot back into Hampi, he turns back into a tiger.
I laughed mockingly. "Ha!" I tripped over a stone but quickly found my footing. "Serves you right!" I shouted angrily and stumbled blindly across the dim path.
Stay classy, Kelsey!
Also, we're not sure how much time has passed yet since they left Hampi. If no time has passed, there will still be security guards around. If the same amount of time has passed, they either still have to worry about security guards or about stumbling out of a giant statue in the middle of a crowd of tourists. This is never brought up as a concern.
Also, wouldn't someone notice that the famous Ugra Narasimha statue is gone and there's a magic staircase where it used to be? This is dumb.
Kelsey sets off to find Mr. Kadam on her own, and the chapter ends.
Closing Thoughts
Hey, I hate this chapter! Kelsey flip-flops back and forth between hating Ren for no reason (well, no good reason that she gives, as I hope I've made it clear that there are plenty of good reasons to hate Ren), and being really into him like she's been the whole rest of the book before this. These two feelings can't really coexist, so instead of picking one, Houck decided to try to justify being into him by saying that she'll just break up with him later. That's worse! She's a horrible person!
Next time, Chapter Twenty-Three: Six Hours! More petty arguing between Kelsey and Ren. Joy.
Only two more chapters, and an epilogue, folks. We're almost done.
With the first book, at least. Ouch.
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