Chapter 7: Back to School
Welcome back to our irregularly scheduled nonsense! Last time, Kelsey went on a couple more dates, and broke up with Jason after getting hit by a car.
Uh, that's pretty much it.
This chapter, Kelsey breaks up with Li.
Uh, that's pretty much it.
Chapter Seven: Back to School
Kelsey wakes up sore the next morning after getting hit lightly by a car, so she pops some aspirin. Aspirin! It heals anything from minor bumps and bruises to severe brain damage! What can't aspirin do?
Kelsey heads downstairs and Ren isburning making some pancakes. Comedy?
My frilly apron was tied around his waist. It was quite a sight.
Comedy??
He's making peanut butter and banana pancakes because lol men don't know how to cook, that's the woman's job, silly! Kelsey says that he should try some chocolate chip pancakes sometime. Then they eat pancakes. Riveting!
Ren notices a big bruise on Kelsey's arm, and she says it's from rescuing the old lady at the play last night.
Ren jumped off his stool and poked and prodded me, carefully feeling my bones and rotating my joints.
Instantly shattering the hairline fracture in Kelsey's arm, because Ren is not a medical doctor and has no idea how this works.
Okay, he doesn't break her arm, but he really shouldn't be playing around with potentially broken bones if he doesn't know what he's doing.
He asks if Jason got hit by the car too, and Kelsey says that he didn't, but that he was with her the whole time.
"Then he wasn't right there with you. Next time I see him, he's going to get some matching bumps and bruises so that he can truly empathize."
Um. Comedy? Ren's a bit of a sociopath, isn't he?
After breakfast, Kelsey tells Ren that they're going to watch the girliest movie she can find, and she picks The Sound of Music, thinking that it'll torture Ren over the next couple of hours. But he likes it! Whomp whomp! Comedy!
This chapter sucks.
After the movie, Ren grabs his mandolin and starts playing some of the songs from the movie, because after hearing the songs once he is able to perfectly replicate them using his musical talent that rivals Mozart's.
"But you picked up "Eidelweiss" [sic--yeah, there's double quotes inside of double quotes] so quickly! Have you heard it before?"
"No. I've just always been able to hear the notes and know how to play them."
Adding "perfect pitch" to Ren's growing Stu-dom.
He starts playing a different song, and it's just so beautiful and sad because Ren is tortured. After he's finished, he says that he wrote it after Kelsey left. It's called "Kelsey." Guess Ren isn't as creative when it's not about music.
He leans in to kiss her, but stops at the last second, and says that while they're dating he's not going to kiss her anymore so that she can make her choice between him and Li. He says that she kind of loses it whenever he kisses her and he doesn't want to interfere with her choice.
"Wait a minute," I gasped incredulously. "Let me get this straight. You won't kiss me because you think your kisses make me too drunk to think straight? That I'd be incapable of making an informed decision if I was swooning with passion for you?"
I really don't like the implications posed by this.
He says he doesn't want to pressure her into choosing him, but I don't trust him for a second. I think he enjoys jerking Kelsey around a bit--now that she actually wants to kiss him, he won't do it. As opposed to in the last book, where even though she said she wasn't interested in pursuing a relationship with him, he wouldn't keep his hands off her. I honestly think he just likes stringing her along.
I suddenly felt like a pawn in one of Li's board games.
If this is the way your love interest makes you feel, he's probably not a very nice person.
She feels angry about the whole situation, so instead of calling the thing off (because both Li and Ren don't care enough about Kelsey's feelings to actually listen to her), she decides to enter the fray herself.
From that point on, I decided that I would test Ren's resistance. I would get Ren to kiss me.
Yeah, this seems healthy.
She heads back in to the living room to finish their movie, and aggressively positions herself close to Ren and starts playing around with his hand.
My aggressiveness made him nervous. He kept twitching and shifting his position, but he didn't let go or move farther away.
This is not even close to the aggressiveness that Ren has previously displayed, so I think he just doesn't like that Kelsey is displaying any sense of backbone. We can't have that.
After the movie is over, Ren gets up quickly and announces that the date is over now. Kelsey gets all pouty that she wasn't able to get him to kiss her, but she is enjoying the fact that the power has shifted a little.
Uh, that's pretty much it.
This chapter, Kelsey breaks up with Li.
Uh, that's pretty much it.
Chapter Seven: Back to School
Kelsey wakes up sore the next morning after getting hit lightly by a car, so she pops some aspirin. Aspirin! It heals anything from minor bumps and bruises to severe brain damage! What can't aspirin do?
Kelsey heads downstairs and Ren is
My frilly apron was tied around his waist. It was quite a sight.
Comedy??
He's making peanut butter and banana pancakes because lol men don't know how to cook, that's the woman's job, silly! Kelsey says that he should try some chocolate chip pancakes sometime. Then they eat pancakes. Riveting!
Ren notices a big bruise on Kelsey's arm, and she says it's from rescuing the old lady at the play last night.
Ren jumped off his stool and poked and prodded me, carefully feeling my bones and rotating my joints.
Instantly shattering the hairline fracture in Kelsey's arm, because Ren is not a medical doctor and has no idea how this works.
Okay, he doesn't break her arm, but he really shouldn't be playing around with potentially broken bones if he doesn't know what he's doing.
He asks if Jason got hit by the car too, and Kelsey says that he didn't, but that he was with her the whole time.
"Then he wasn't right there with you. Next time I see him, he's going to get some matching bumps and bruises so that he can truly empathize."
Um. Comedy? Ren's a bit of a sociopath, isn't he?
After breakfast, Kelsey tells Ren that they're going to watch the girliest movie she can find, and she picks The Sound of Music, thinking that it'll torture Ren over the next couple of hours. But he likes it! Whomp whomp! Comedy!
This chapter sucks.
After the movie, Ren grabs his mandolin and starts playing some of the songs from the movie, because after hearing the songs once he is able to perfectly replicate them using his musical talent that rivals Mozart's.
"But you picked up "Eidelweiss" [sic--yeah, there's double quotes inside of double quotes] so quickly! Have you heard it before?"
"No. I've just always been able to hear the notes and know how to play them."
Adding "perfect pitch" to Ren's growing Stu-dom.
He starts playing a different song, and it's just so beautiful and sad because Ren is tortured. After he's finished, he says that he wrote it after Kelsey left. It's called "Kelsey." Guess Ren isn't as creative when it's not about music.
He leans in to kiss her, but stops at the last second, and says that while they're dating he's not going to kiss her anymore so that she can make her choice between him and Li. He says that she kind of loses it whenever he kisses her and he doesn't want to interfere with her choice.
"Wait a minute," I gasped incredulously. "Let me get this straight. You won't kiss me because you think your kisses make me too drunk to think straight? That I'd be incapable of making an informed decision if I was swooning with passion for you?"
I really don't like the implications posed by this.
He says he doesn't want to pressure her into choosing him, but I don't trust him for a second. I think he enjoys jerking Kelsey around a bit--now that she actually wants to kiss him, he won't do it. As opposed to in the last book, where even though she said she wasn't interested in pursuing a relationship with him, he wouldn't keep his hands off her. I honestly think he just likes stringing her along.
I suddenly felt like a pawn in one of Li's board games.
If this is the way your love interest makes you feel, he's probably not a very nice person.
She feels angry about the whole situation, so instead of calling the thing off (because both Li and Ren don't care enough about Kelsey's feelings to actually listen to her), she decides to enter the fray herself.
From that point on, I decided that I would test Ren's resistance. I would get Ren to kiss me.
Yeah, this seems healthy.
She heads back in to the living room to finish their movie, and aggressively positions herself close to Ren and starts playing around with his hand.
My aggressiveness made him nervous. He kept twitching and shifting his position, but he didn't let go or move farther away.
This is not even close to the aggressiveness that Ren has previously displayed, so I think he just doesn't like that Kelsey is displaying any sense of backbone. We can't have that.
After the movie is over, Ren gets up quickly and announces that the date is over now. Kelsey gets all pouty that she wasn't able to get him to kiss her, but she is enjoying the fact that the power has shifted a little.
Pro tip: if you start describing your relationship in terms of power imbalances and power shifting, that's, uh, not a good sign.
"That news must be shocking for a man who always gets what he wants."
He snuck his hands around my waist and pulled me up against his chest then ducked his lips to within inches of mine. "Not . . . what I want . . . the most."
O_o
Is that what it sounds like?
This sets Kelsey off and now her only goal in life is to get Ren to kiss her before she kisses him.
Some stakes so far, right, guys? Riveting stuff.
Kelsey references Gone with the Wind for...some reason...and is a bit disappointed that Ren doesn't follow her up the stairs.
Drat! He has more self control than I thought.
It's not quite as bad as "gads" but it's still up there.
The next morning Kelsey dolls herself up and makes him a sandwich with a "sloppy love note" on top. I'm just busy being disgusted with the fact that feminine wiles and seduction involves Kelsey going to the kitchen and making her man a sandwich. Houck: 0; Decades of Feminism: -1000.
Ren immediately catches on because he has more than one brain cell. The two keep exchanging quotes about love with each other, which I think means that Houck ran a search for "quotes about love" on Google. It's pretty insufferable to read.
Nothing really happens for a while, except that Ren compares their little will-they-won't-they to hunting, because Ren is a violent sociopath. Or he's just kinky.
Kelsey's brain is struggling, which is nothing new. Every time she's with Li, she's thinking about how to get Ren to kiss her because she is physically incapable of thinking of more than one thing at a time.
It was so obvious that even Li noticed.
Because men are clueless about relationships and girls, hurr hurr
Also they're watching a Jackie Chan movie, because Li is Chinese and Likes Martial Arts so he is unable to do or like anything else. Except for Kelsey. Because EVERYONE likes Kelsey.
Uh, Ren and Kelsey exchange some more sappy notes, and we learn that three weeks have passed. They're suddenly at the dojo, and Li starts teaching takedown drills. Which are pretty fun, from personal experience.
Li and Ren demonstrate...something for the class. It's not a takedown, as it turns into a literal sparring match. Li even opens with a roundhouse kick, which is very much not how you do a takedown.
Ren, of course, trounces Li because he's just So Great. The fight goes on for several pages, and it looks like something out of a movie rather than a real fight scene. After Li calls it off without making any headway, he immediately dismisses class. I would be pretty annoyed, because they literally learned nothing.
Later, Li asks Kelsey why she broke up with Ren, anyway. It boils down to Kelsey thinking he's too good for her, because Drama. Li mentions that despite every dirty trick Li threw at Ren, Ren didn't hit him back hard, and even took some hits so that Li wouldn't get hurt. Because he's So Great.
"Half the time, he wasn't even watching me! He was watching you, concerned about your reaction. He wasn't even paying attention to the guy who was seriously trying to kill him."
Um, WHAT? What is it with Kelsey dating actual psychopaths? Goodbye, likeable Li. You will be sorely missed.
Li still takes it pretty well, and says that it's obvious that Ren loves her, and that she should let him know that she loves Ren. And that he still likes Ren, because he's Just That Great.
Kelsey (finally?) realizes that it's not fair to keep treating Li like this (duh), so she finally decides to break up with Li. Li threatens to hurt Ren if he hurts Kelsey (see above "psychopath" comment), and he drives her home, taking it like a champ. He drops her off and tells Kelsey to tell him.
Ren, of course, was eavesdropping, and demands to know what she has to tell him. He thinks she's going to say that she chose Li. Whomp whomp?
She hugs him (mostly so her face can be on his Massive Pecs) and tells him that she chose him and then he kisses her.
There are many different types of kisses.
Oh, hi, Princess Bride ripoff! (The line in that one is much better.)
It's passionate and mind-blowing and blahs blahs blah.
He seized me as boldly as a tiger captures his prey.
Kinky.
He finally lifted his head and murmured against my lips, "It's about bloody time, woman."
And with that charming bit of dialogue (highlighted by 12 people, if you're curious), the chapter ends.
Closing Thoughts
Hey, why did Ren turn British all of a sudden? No one really says "bloody" unless they're British or from a recently-emancipated colony of Great Britain and oh noooooo
Next time, Chapter 8: Jealousy! Just in case you thought we were done with this dating nonsense.
We're almost to where things actually happen. I promise.
O_o
Is that what it sounds like?
This sets Kelsey off and now her only goal in life is to get Ren to kiss her before she kisses him.
Some stakes so far, right, guys? Riveting stuff.
Kelsey references Gone with the Wind for...some reason...and is a bit disappointed that Ren doesn't follow her up the stairs.
Drat! He has more self control than I thought.
It's not quite as bad as "gads" but it's still up there.
The next morning Kelsey dolls herself up and makes him a sandwich with a "sloppy love note" on top. I'm just busy being disgusted with the fact that feminine wiles and seduction involves Kelsey going to the kitchen and making her man a sandwich. Houck: 0; Decades of Feminism: -1000.
Ren immediately catches on because he has more than one brain cell. The two keep exchanging quotes about love with each other, which I think means that Houck ran a search for "quotes about love" on Google. It's pretty insufferable to read.
Nothing really happens for a while, except that Ren compares their little will-they-won't-they to hunting, because Ren is a violent sociopath. Or he's just kinky.
Kelsey's brain is struggling, which is nothing new. Every time she's with Li, she's thinking about how to get Ren to kiss her because she is physically incapable of thinking of more than one thing at a time.
It was so obvious that even Li noticed.
Because men are clueless about relationships and girls, hurr hurr
Also they're watching a Jackie Chan movie, because Li is Chinese and Likes Martial Arts so he is unable to do or like anything else. Except for Kelsey. Because EVERYONE likes Kelsey.
Uh, Ren and Kelsey exchange some more sappy notes, and we learn that three weeks have passed. They're suddenly at the dojo, and Li starts teaching takedown drills. Which are pretty fun, from personal experience.
Li and Ren demonstrate...something for the class. It's not a takedown, as it turns into a literal sparring match. Li even opens with a roundhouse kick, which is very much not how you do a takedown.
Ren, of course, trounces Li because he's just So Great. The fight goes on for several pages, and it looks like something out of a movie rather than a real fight scene. After Li calls it off without making any headway, he immediately dismisses class. I would be pretty annoyed, because they literally learned nothing.
Later, Li asks Kelsey why she broke up with Ren, anyway. It boils down to Kelsey thinking he's too good for her, because Drama. Li mentions that despite every dirty trick Li threw at Ren, Ren didn't hit him back hard, and even took some hits so that Li wouldn't get hurt. Because he's So Great.
"Half the time, he wasn't even watching me! He was watching you, concerned about your reaction. He wasn't even paying attention to the guy who was seriously trying to kill him."
Um, WHAT? What is it with Kelsey dating actual psychopaths? Goodbye, likeable Li. You will be sorely missed.
Li still takes it pretty well, and says that it's obvious that Ren loves her, and that she should let him know that she loves Ren. And that he still likes Ren, because he's Just That Great.
Kelsey (finally?) realizes that it's not fair to keep treating Li like this (duh), so she finally decides to break up with Li. Li threatens to hurt Ren if he hurts Kelsey (see above "psychopath" comment), and he drives her home, taking it like a champ. He drops her off and tells Kelsey to tell him.
Ren, of course, was eavesdropping, and demands to know what she has to tell him. He thinks she's going to say that she chose Li. Whomp whomp?
She hugs him (mostly so her face can be on his Massive Pecs) and tells him that she chose him and then he kisses her.
There are many different types of kisses.
Oh, hi, Princess Bride ripoff! (The line in that one is much better.)
It's passionate and mind-blowing and blahs blahs blah.
He seized me as boldly as a tiger captures his prey.
Kinky.
He finally lifted his head and murmured against my lips, "It's about bloody time, woman."
And with that charming bit of dialogue (highlighted by 12 people, if you're curious), the chapter ends.
Closing Thoughts
Hey, why did Ren turn British all of a sudden? No one really says "bloody" unless they're British or from a recently-emancipated colony of Great Britain and oh noooooo
Next time, Chapter 8: Jealousy! Just in case you thought we were done with this dating nonsense.
We're almost to where things actually happen. I promise.
This has just gone from "stupid" to mind-bogglingly stupid. Good job cutting through the tedium of reading this book to write this review. Wow.
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