Chapter 10: Hired Guns

Welcome back to our irregularly scheduled nonsense!  Sorry for taking so long in between posts, I've had a lot of Big Life Events in the way for the last month (i.e., interviews for a job next summer--the good news is I think I succeeded in finding something that will fit me really well!).  So, uh, to celebrate, I guess I'm getting back into this!

Last time, Kelsey and Ren went on a date, which Kishan crashed.  That's pretty much it.

I know there was a lot of filler at the beginning of Tiger's Curse, but this book is just ridiculous.  At about this point in the first book, Kelsey had already been introduced, spent some interminable chapters at the circus, travelled to India, found out that Ren was a dude, gotten Phet's weird blessing, and then chilled at Ren's mansion for an entire chapter.

What's happened so far here?  Kelsey started going to class at WOU, but we haven't heard much about what she's been learning.  Uh, she dated three guys at once, and then Ren showed up, and she dated him and Li at the same time for a while.  Then she broke up with Li.  Riveting.

This time, plot starts happening again, and I'm pretty sure Kelsey murders someone.  Let's get this show on the road!

Chapter Ten: Hired Guns

Kishan pulled back to have a look at me.

The first thing he does now that he's in Oregon is to ogle Kelsey because she's Just So Beautiful.

Hey, I said I liked Kishan more than Ren.  It's not a high bar to overcome.

Also, how did Kishan get in here, anyway?  This is a school-sponsored event, right?  Since all the proceeds go to fund the school Arctic museum.  Normally you need to have a student ID or accompany a student into one of these to be allowed in.  Either Kishan swiped someone's ID, or he had a whole secret subplot where he seduced one of Kelsey's classmates in order to gain entry into the dance (full of wacky hijinks).

He asks in a fake whisper if she had to use the tiger repellant, which I enjoy because he's trying to annoy Ren.  And, ooh, we get another typo in this published novel!

Kishan stretched out his hand and touched an earring lightly.  His rakish pirate about-to-make-off-with-your-woman-and-what-do-you-think-you're-gonna-do-about [sic] look melted away to a soft smile that turned up the corner of his mouth.

And what do you think you're gonna do about what???  You're missing a noun, there.  Also, why does Kelsey have to specify that a smile turns up the corner of his mouth?  That's...kind of the exact definition of a smile, isn't it?

Kishan says that their mother would have approved, and Kelsey asks Ren if Kishan means that those earrings belonged to Deschen.  Ren says that they are, and that he didn't want to pressure her into wearing them if she didn't like them.  I think it's because he's a weirdo who likes to keep Kelsey in the dark about important things.

Ren hugged me and kissed my cheek.

I heard a dramatic sigh behind us.  "Ugh.  I think I preferred him whiny and despondent.  This is just sickening."

I wholeheartedly agree.

Ren asks what he's doing here, and Kishan says that he heard there was a party going on and he thought he could pick up some hot chicks.  He then offers to borrow Kelsey off of him.  Ren doesn't take this well, natch, and...threatens Kishan!

Raise of hands, who's surprised?  No one?  That's because Ren is a violent sociopath!

Kishan held out a hand, but Ren stepped in front of me and threatened, "Over my dead body."

Kishan, as the secondary love interest, is allowed to show a bit of backbone (unlike Artie or Jason or Li), and responds in kind:

Kishan pushed up the sleeves of his sweater.  "Anytime, bro.  Let's see what you've got, Mr. Romance."

Is it just me, or is this not how Kishan should talk?  He only recently joined human society.  Not just English-speaking society, but, like, human society (you know, speaking to people, eating cooked food, wearing clothes, etc.).  It feels weird to read his dialogue filled with blatant American-isms like "bro."

Kelsey steps in to intervene, because as the love interest/main character that is her role in the story.  She lets Kishan know that it's not really a party, but a Valentine's day dance.

In my sweetest voice, I said, "Kishan, we're kind of in the middle of a date, and, though I'm very happy to see you, I wonder if you'd mind heading home for now?  As you can see, it's not so much a party as it is a couple's thing."

Ooh, another grammar mistake!  If the party is "a couple's thing," that means the dance is meant for only a singular couple (i.e., two people), which makes no sense!  Although since Ren and Kelsey are the only two people present in this amorphous scene, maybe it really is meant for only the two of them.

Kishan leaves, and Ren says that he regrets asking Kishan to come to Oregon.

"Do you trust him?"

"It depends.  I trust him with most things.  Except--"

"Except?"

"Except you."

Yeah, except Kelsey is a person who also has a say in who she dates?  So even if Kishan is very obvious about wanting to get with Kelsey, it won't necessarily happen?  Even Kelsey agrees with me!

"Oh.  Well, you don't have to trust him with me.  You just have to trust me."

Uh, yeah.  Exactly.  Ren is, however, both an idiot and a scumbag.

He scoffed, "Kells--"

So, yeah.  There are two ways to take this, and neither are good!  First, Ren sounds like he doesn't actually trust Kelsey to stick with him when Kishan is in the picture, which means that this supposedly healthy and ~perfect~ relationship isn't as great as the book is making it out to be.  Because Ren expects Kelsey to cheat on him.  Second, Ren also sounds like he's dismissing the possibility that his girlfriend has any agency in their relationship at all, and if Kishan is able to "win" her from him, Kelsey will just happily switch to his brother with no thought to Ren at all.  Which is also bad!

(The sad thing is...he's kind of right.  That second option kind of ends up happening!)

"I'm serious."  I put my hands on the sides of his face so he would look at me.

Kelsey reiterates that she chose to be with Ren, and not Kishan.  We don't get to hear Ren's reaction to this, so I'm choosing to believe that he is unconvinced.

I sighed.  "I feel kind of sorry for Kishan, actually.  He lost the person that he loved.  That's why we should make the most of our time.  You never know when someone you love could be taken from you."

The fores have been shadowed.

Ren says that he'll never leave her because he's immortal.  Kelsey treats this as a joke, but there's not really a punchline?  I have no idea.

"I had to fight off three men to win your affection, and I don't want to have to take on my brother, too."

Ha.  Ha.  Don't remind me of this stupid stuff that doesn't matter.

I laughed.  "You're exaggerating, Tarzan.

Uh, what does Tarzan have to do with anything?  He didn't really have to fight off hordes of men to win Jane's affection in either the book or the Disney movie.  So, uh, what?

You didn't have to fight off anyone, well, except maybe Li."

He didn't have to fight Li either!  I hate this.

Anyway.  Ren says it's hard for him to control himself around Kishan because Kishan "presses all his buttons."  By doing nothing more than...talking to Kelsey, I guess.

"Please try.  For my sake?"

"For your sake, I'd undergo excruciating torture, but I can't tolerate him flirting with you."

Gee, I wonder what could possibly happen later, it's such an incredible mystery.

They quote some Shakespeare at each other, and then head home early because Ren is in a bit of a funk now that Kishan is around.

When they get home, Kishan has taken out the entire contents of Kelsey's kitchen for snacks while he watches TV, because Man Eat Food = Stellar Comedy.  Apparently.  Kelsey goes upstairs to get ready for bed, and we get treated to more of this book's excuse for comedy!

I was just slipping my pajama top over my head when I heard Ren bellow, "You ate all of my peanut . . . butter . . . cookies?"

Laugh, dammit!

Actually, try saying this sentence out loud with all of the emphasis and punctuation as it appears in the book.  It is literally impossible to make it sound natural.

And now...we get a scene ripped directly from the Twilight series!  Oh, joy!!!

Now that Kishan is in the picture, Ren tells Kelsey that he'll be sleeping in her room from now on.  Kelsey asks if this would make Kishan think they were doing anything, well, you know.  Kelsey notices that Ren seems rather flustered when she brings up the possibility of sex (although that word is never used, because we must remain Chaste), and Ren says, very defensively, that he's not ready to have that conversation yet.

He growled softly.  "Don't misunderstand me, Kells.  I'm more than ready to have that conversation, but we aren't going to.  At least, not until the curse has been broken."

My mouth dropped open.  "Are you saying what I think you're saying?  That we can't be together until we get chased by immortal monkeys and demons at least three more times, which could take years!"

"I'm really hoping it doesn't take that long.  But, yes.  That's what I'm saying."

Yeah, Bella, I won't sleep with you because I'm a vampire and I'm just so tortured about it, so we'll wait until you're a vampire/we're married.  I mean, it made sense in Twilight because 1) Edward literally almost killed Bella because she wasn't a vampire, and 2) Stephanie Meyer made vampirism a thinly-veiled metaphor for sex and portrayed pre-marital sex as bad for religious reasons (since she's Mormon, I think).

But I have no idea why Ren has such a problem with this?  He gives a vague explanation that since he's immortal he and Mr. Kadam agree that it's ~too much of a risk~ for undefined reasons.  But this does mean that Ren literally had a conversation with Mr. Kadam about boinking Kelsey, which I think is really funny, especially because Ren describes the conversation as "awkward."  Understatement of the century.

"Afraid we'd have kittens?" I teased.

Isn't this the same joke from Harry Potter about Lupin having a baby with Tonks?  Except in Harry Potter it was delivered by a bad guy to make fun of the fact that Lupin is cursed to be a werewolf?  This just reminded me of that, which is not great.

Ren doesn't think it's funny either.

"Well then, what are you afraid of?  Do you want to take a class?"  I couldn't help it.  Mom's sarcastic humor made an appearance.

I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think that's sarcasm.  She's definitely making fun of him, though.

Ren accuses her of not taking this conversation seriously.  Kelsey says that she responds to situations that make her uncomfortable with humor, which I have not seen at all this entire series so far.  She constantly cracks "jokes" and references things, regardless of if she feels uncomfortable or not.

"Seriously, Ren, you're talking about years when I am almost to the point of attacking your rather attractive self now."

Yes, this is how an eighteen-year-old girl talks.  (Nineteen?  I don't remember or care.)

Ren kisses her neck, and, well...

I sighed.  "I guess a lot of very cold showers loom in future."

Now, I'm not opposed to jokes like this (see, uh, basically any Dresden Files book), but this feels weird in a book that dances around the word "sex" and considers kissing to be the ultimate goal of their relationship up until this point.

Kelsey and Ren talk a bit more about how they're each others first ~everythings~ because, again, our fantastically hot power couple can only be in love with one another or else they're impure or something.  Kelsey asks Ren what he would have said if she had told him that she wanted to wait until after they were married, and Ren says he wouldn't care, because they're Meant For Each Other.

Kelsey remembers that Mr. Kadam told her about the Queen's Bath in Hampi, and that it was somewhat of a rite of passage.  She asks Ren if he ever saw anything in there, and he says that he and Kishan never made it past the front door, and didn't see anything.  When Kelsey asks if Kishan will tell her the same story if she asks him, and Ren says that he'd better or he'll punch him in the nose.  Wokka wokka!

After this very long scene, we get a scene break.  The next morning (after each of the boys has had over three omelettes, because Houck is going to run this joke into the ground), Ren says that he wants to take up wushu again, which Kishan thinks sounds fun.  They end up renting a small studio to tutor Kelsey privately.

"Lesson one.  If your attacker is running toward you, bend your knees and wait for him to get closer.  Then, grab his arm, swing yourself around him, and lock your arms around his throat.  If he's a big guy, then pull up into the top of his throat under his jaw."

No.  Just, no.  If you're a beginner, which Kelsey is, you should not plant yourself in one spot and wait for your giant attacker to bull-rush you so you can pull off a fancy spinny move.  That's insane.  Your first priority is GET OUT OF THE WAY, which most definitely does not involve waiting for him to get closer.  YIKES.  If you're forced to fight him back, your best options to go for are hitting him in the nose or in the nuts.  They're way easier to hit, and it'll give you time to get away because it hurts a lot to get hit in either place.  Don't try to put a guy twice your size into a choke hold right off the bat, because he is stronger than you.

This is terrible advice.

Kelsey tries it out on Ren and she does a good job, because of course.

"Good.  Lesson two.  If the attacker knows more martial arts than you do, don't fight him.  Just try to disable him.  Go for the stomach or the groin, and punch or kick as hard as you can."

God, this is so dumb.  How are you supposed to know if your attacker knows more martial arts than you?  Because a person who knows martial arts is always wearing a gi and making ninja noises?  How are you supposed to disable someone WITHOUT ATTACKING THEM?  Especially when the advice given for disabling them is...to fight them?

Kishan attacks Ren with a "complicated martial arts assault," which is a good fighting technique in exactly zero situations.  She recognizes a jumping kick to the face and a roundhouse kick, both of which are not practical for a real fight.  Okay, roundhouse kicks are, but in a real fighting situation, those are more useful for kicking knees and legs more than aiming for head kicks.  Because a high roundhouse kick is slower than a lower roundhouse kick, and involves a higher risk of losing balance, which is literally the last thing you want to happen.

Ren actually does give some good advice about the sensitive spots you should aim for--the groin, the throat, eyes, nose, ears, and the temple.  Although I would say the temple is maybe not great because it's relatively small and flat against a very hard object, i.e., the skull.

Kishan says that Kelsey needs to fight back against an actual attack so she can actually learn how it works.  As we already know, because this scene plays out exactly the same as when Li attacked Kelsey, Ren does not take this well.  It's literally the exact same scene again.  I hate it.  Kelsey gets knocked on the head and ends up slamming her shoulder into Kishan's crotch and Ren thinks it's funny.

Ren was thrilled with my small victory.  Kishan stood up grimacing.  "That was good, Kelsey.  If I was a normal man, I would have been down for at least twenty minutes."

Jeez, humble brag much.

Kelsey says that she wants to stop for the day because her head hurts and goes to get some aspirin.  Aspirin!  There's nothing it can't do!

Ren punches Kishan in the stomach for hurting Kelsey, because Ren defaults to violence whenever possible.  What a great guy!

Over the next few weeks, Kelsey packs her stuff up in case they need to leave in a hurry.

They parked the truck about a mile down the main road and covered it with branches to camouflage it.

Yeah, that sounds totally inconspicuous.

They all feel like something bad is coming their way.  If you were in their position would you:

A) Go to India right away, knowing that Ren's house is hidden from Lokesh and you'll be safe there;

B) Keep training so that you know you'll be ready if Lokesh shows up; or

C) Go on a field trip to get ice cream!

I think you already know the answer.

Of course it's C!

Instead of, you know, anything else, the three take a road trip to Tillamook to get chocolate peanut butter ice cream and take a tour of the Tillamook Cheese Factory.  As one does.

Kelsey tells Ren that they should keep him away from the ice cream, and Ren asks why.

"Because you're hot enough to melt it, and then Kishan would cry."

Okay, that got a laugh out of me.  Not the terrible pick up line part, the part about Kishan crying.  I dunno, it's just phrased in an actually funny way.

Kishan gets a bunch of ice cream flavors that don't go together, because Man Eat Lots!  Ren can't decide between chocolate peanut butter and peaches and cream, because Kelsey smells like peaches and cream.  In case you didn't remember.  After getting ice cream they hang out on the beach.  It turns out Kelsey is afraid of sharks, which definitely isn't a thing that ever shows up in this book.  It does in the third book, however, so I'll let this slide.

Uh, there's a lot of talking that doesn't really do anything with the characters, so it's really boring.  Ren and Kishan race back to the car in exchange for a kiss from Kelsey, so that's a thing.  Kishan wins because he cheats, and dips Kelsey into a dramatic kiss, which makes Ren angry.  So he and Kishan fight for a bit, which is treated as a comedy bit.  Ha ha?

Eventually, Kelsey gets a call from Jason.  Wait, so she does use her cell phone!  In a way that exactly zero teenagers use them!  Texting apparently doesn't exist in this universe.

To be fair, Jason calls her up with some important news.  He says that there were some guys on campus asking for her, and that they came from a firm with news about her parents' will.  He says he didn't tell them anything, which means that they were such obvious bad guys that Jason, the idiot jock stereotype, saw right through them.  Nice going, Lokesh.  I think you should get some new minions.

I closed my phone and looked at Ren.  He stared back, and we both knew.  Lokesh had found me.

Which makes the first third of this entire fucking book completely pointless!  Oh boy!!!

Ren and Kishan agreed that if Jason hadn't told the men anything, it was unlikely that they had found our home yet.  We decided to go home, tie up a few loose ends, and leave Oregon.

I thought it was unlikely that they'd find you at WOU, but they managed to do that.  Why even take the chance?  If you're that worried about Lokesh finding you, why aren't you already ready to pick up and leave at a moment's notice?

Dumb.

Especially when they get back home, and people have already been there (which they know because Ren and Kishan can smell them).  And, well, just look at their terrible plan:

"No one's here now, so go upstairs, and quickly change into dark clothing and running shoes.  Then meet us downstairs.  Kishan's watching the doors.  We'll go out the back of the house, take the long way to Kishan's truck, and head for the airport."

YOU'RE IN A CAR.  THAT'S HOW YOU GOT HERE.  JUST DRIVE TO KISHAN'S CAR WITHOUT STOPPING AT HOME TO CHANGE FOR NO REASON!!!!  WHAT IS HAPPENING??????

The two brothers (but not Kelsey, natch) arm themselves with some of Kelsey's wushu weapons, and Kishan eventually spots someone coming towards them through the trees.  They head out through the back of the house into the forest (WHERE THE GUY THAT'S FOLLOWING THEM IS), and, suddenly, they're in the middle of an ambush!  Wow!  Who could have thought that heading into a forest where you know at least one bad guy is might be a bad idea??

Kishan takes a few guys out with his bo staff by jumping around like he's in a bad kung fu movie.

With a flick of his wrist, the weapon folded into his palm and he shoved it back into his belt.

I guess he has Goku's power pole or something.

Ren and Kishan take out a bunch more guys (in just the worst fight narration I've read in a while).  Kelsey describes it as being out of one of Li's action movies, which is, again, not how fighting works in real life.

When none of the men could stand, the brothers ran back to me.

Holy shit!

There are more guys coming, so Ren picks Kelsey up in a fireman's carry and they run some more (instead of, you know, taking the car that they own and just used, which is both faster than a bunch of guys on foot and offers protection against a whole lot of weaponry).  Especially considering the bad guys are shooting at them, although they're not using bullets.  Which means a car would be perfect for this situation.  Too bad our main characters are all idiots.

Kishan heads out alone to draw them away from Kelsey.  After a while Kishan comes back, and says that there's a whole "regiment" of guys after them.  I don't know why they're so surprised, as they know Lokesh has a private army.  I guess it's because they're dumb.

All of a sudden, a bunch of guys jump down from the trees!  Like monkeys!  That's not how it's described, but it's a ridiculous image.  A couple of them grab Kelsey, while two larger groups are fighting Ren and Kishan, who are both tigers.  They're also using non-lethal weapons, which Kelsey describes as a TASER on a stick.  So, a cattle prod?

Kishan mauls a couple of guys (it's very bloody) and one of the guys holding Kelsey clocks her in the head, which makes Ren angry.  Some reinforcements come in, and one of them shoots Ren in the neck with a dart.

I saw red and suddenly my vision cleared.  I felt power sizzle through my limbs.  I popped the back of my head into my captor's nose and gratifyingly felt the cartilage break.

That's, uh, that's not the part that breaks.

Kelsey breaks free and runs over to Ren, who gets hit by a couple more darts.  

Bodies were piled in groups around us.  Some dead, some wounded.

Holy shit!

Kelsey sees even more men coming towards them.  Oh, no!

Like a mother bear protecting her young, I stood in front of Ren, determined to somehow stop the men from advancing, or at least give them a different target to shoot at.

Hi, that's a terrible simile considering he's your boyfriend, but okay.

Kelsey feels a power burning inside of her, and suddenly the symbols Phet drew on her hand (the ones that light up whenever Durga is involved) start to glow.

A lightning bolt exploded from my hand to the body of my attacker.

Holy shit!  That's especially impressive because in no way is Durga associated with lightning!  That's Indra's jurisdiction.

It lifted his body into the air and slammed him into a tree hard enough to make it shake.  He fell in a crumpled mass at the base.

Hey, Kelsey just killed someone, possibly!  Will this have a lasting impact on Kelsey's character arc?  What do you think?

(The answer is no.)

I was overcome with rage; a furious wrath bubbled through me.  My mind screamed that no one would hurt those that I loved.  Euphoric in my power, I took them down one after another.

What a psycho!

Now, if this book was, you know, good, I could see this being a reference to Durga's role as the warrior goddess, as well as Kali, another aspect of Durga and goddess of destruction (among other things).  It is not!  I legitimately think that Kelsey is just a psychopath, since this book is usually a bit more heavy-handed in referencing its mythological source material.

Kelsey gets shot with some darts, which makes the burning feeling and the lightning go away.  Ren yells to Kishan to get Kelsey out of there, which he does.  Ren stays behind to keep the guys off of Kelsey.

I pleaded hazily, "Ren!  No!" before falling into darkness.

And that is the end of the chapter.

Closing Thoughts

Holy shit!  That went from 0 to 100 real quick.  And, like I said before, the first third of the book is pointless.  Which means now we get to read a full novel condensed down into two-thirds of a novel, because pacing is for chumps!  At least stuff is happening now, I guess.

Next time, Chapter Eleven: Return to India!  Mr. Kadam is back, and boy, he loves to talk.