Chapter 14: The Friendship Highway
Welcome back to our irregularly scheduled nonsense!
Last time, the plot took a glacial step forward as Kelsey and Kishan received Durga's blessing, got some cool new stuff, and started heading toward Lhasa to meet with the Ocean Teacher. Mr. Kadam talked a lot (again) and Kelsey made some unfunny jokes (again).
Now, nothing really happens between seeing Durga and getting to Lhasa. You'd think that this would be a good section to skip over, then, or spend a couple of pages on. Because nothing happens. You would be wrong! It's more god-damned filler! It's literally just them driving from point A to point B and talking!
AAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGHHHHHHHHH
That in itself isn't all that bad--a slow chapter can be essential to good pacing if it's between scenes with a lot of action. But this book has maybe the worst pacing I've ever seen. We're almost halfway through and the only thing that's happened is Ren got kidnapped and they went to a temple! I honestly can't tell you what's happened in the last couple hundred pages, and I've read this thing three times and written detailed reviews of each chapter!
Chapter Fourteen: The Friendship Highway
We pick right back up from the last chapter with Kelsey and Kishan exiting the temple and finding Mr. Kadam. Why this conversation couldn't be at the end of the chapter before and the rest of this chapter cut, I have no idea.
Anyway. Mr. Kadam didn't see anything weird from the outside or feel any wind, because having things happen that could inconvenience our main characters--namely, getting found out by the local authorities for vandalizing a temple--would be interesting. He says he didn't want to go in because he didn't know if his presence would mess up the whole ritual (?) thing. Kelsey says it's a good thing he didn't because then she'd have to deal with both of them thinking that Durga is hot.
Kishan scowled at me while Mr. Kadam's face lit up with delight. "The goddess is beautiful, then?"
I responded, "She's okay."
Kishan began gushing, "Her beauty surpasses all other women. Her ruby lips, soft limbs, and long dark hair would be enough to cause any man to lose control of his faculties."
BEEP BOOP HUMAN
This is the same character who apparently calls people "bro" when he's angry. Also, notice that Durga's only qualities are that she's "beautiful." Isn't she a warrior goddess? Also, isn't she a goddess? And the only things you can think to say are that she's pretty? That's pretty lame.
Kelsey makes fun of him and says that Ren didn't act that way before, and Kishan says that he had reason to look elsewhere. Because Kelsey is as beautiful as a goddess. I think that's the intended message here, which is also pretty dumb because it is once again placing a weird emphasis on beauty rather than, uh, anything else. If you take out the bits where we hear about how hot everyone is (either in narration or just telling us through dialogue), what's left? Everyone being really annoying.
Mr. Kadam says that he'd like to meet Durga, and they say that next time he can sit in because they can always try again if it doesn't work the first time. I've already spoken about how this removes any tension from the narrative, so I won't belabor the point other than to say that this is not how the stakes in your action-adventure curse-breaking story should work. It makes things really boring.
On the way back to the hotel, Kelsey totally isn't jealous of Kishan talking about how Durga is, you guys.
I stopped listening, so I could tune out Kishan's constant praising of Durga and her lovely feminine features, which practically made me gag.
I-it's not like I l-like you or anything, b-baka!!
Anyway, Kelsey gets so fed up with Kishan talking about Durga that she "mock[s]" him, which is in keeping with Kelsey's character. Because she's terrible.
I leaned in the door frame between their connecting rooms, rolled my eyes, and during a break in Kishan's Durga tribute, mocked, "Are you going to yell like Xena when you throw the discus? No! Even better. We'll buy you a leather kilt."
Ooh, more bad comedy that relies on "X is a thing that exists"! Bonus points for Kelsey knowing that Kishan won't get it and saying it anyway because he won't be able to defend himself from being insulted! Also, I'm really not sure what a kilt has to do with anything, because if this is in reference to Xena, she wears a skirt. I guess the image of Kishan in a skirt is too emasculating to include because he's a love interest. Which just makes this confusing.
Kishan's golden eyes turned to me. "I hope your arrows are as sharp as your tongue, Kelsey."
If that's the case, I think Kelsey's arrows are made out of marshmallows or something.
He walks toward her and physically picks her up to move her out of the way, because Kishan is also kind of a jerk. He says that she's jealous and leaves Kelsey with Mr. Kadam. Kelsey says she's not jealous, and Mr. Kadam says that that's true because she's not jealous in the way that Kishan hopes she is.
Wow! Okay, so Kishan is acting like a child and trying to make Kelsey jealous of Durga because he's mad that she doesn't like him. And here I was thinking that Kishan was the mature one of the two brothers. I mean, he still is, but that's because Ren is so far in the other direction.
Mr. Kadam says that Kelsey is protecting Kishan by being mean to him (?).
"No. You clearly care for him. You want him to find happiness. And because Ren isn't here, all of your maternal instincts are focused on Kishan."
Hmm. Don't like that. Why is Houck intent on making me think about Kelsey being a mother to her boyfriend? Ick.
"I don't think what I feel for Ren is maternal."
"Of course, it is. Well, a part of it is, anyway."
Gross, Mr. Kadam. Gross.
What he means is that her relationship to the brothers is partially maternal because of the whole warp/weft thing from the last chapter. But this doesn't explain why it's necessarily maternal instead of something normal like, you know, friendship or something.
He asks if she's familiar with how lions work, and says that without the female lion hunting for the male lion, he would die, and says (in case you didn't pick up on the Subtle Symbolism here) that Kishan is the male lion and needs her to survive. Again, I'm not sure why this is a maternal thing because...it's not! The female lions are the male lion's mates!
But what ends up really happening here is that Mr. Kadam (and by extension, the narrative) says that without a female presence, the male characters are useless and unable to function. This might sound like a Girl Power TM statement, but it's bad! What's being said here is that without a female presence (which is by definition nurturing and mothering), male characters who are older than Kelsey also have no agency despite the fact that these are grown-ass adults. They can only function if they have a weird girlfriend-mother amalgam. This sucks!!!
Kelsey says that she can't be a weird girlfriend-mom to Kishan, and besides, Mr. Kadam is there to act as a friend and parent, anyway.
He chuckled. "Oh, yes. Of course. But a young man needs a young woman who believes in him. Not a crusty old man."
Remember, impressionable kids reading this, you're worthless and unfulfilled unless you're in a relationship with someone of the opposite sex, even if that relationship is basically just leading the other person on because they'll be sad otherwise!
Also, Mr. Kadam stopped aging at, like, forty-five. In what definition is that a "crusty old man"?
Kelsey heads back to her room, and has another Meaningful Dream. Ren and Kishan are standing next to each other, and Lokesh tells her to pick which one lives and which one dies. Ren nods at Kishan, who looks sad because he knows he won't get picked. Kelsey is still trying to choose when she wakes up.
Remember that this "life or death" thing is firmly rooted in "which one does Kelsey want to date."
The next morning, they head out for another day's drive toward Lhasa. When Mr. Kadam leaves the car to take care of some travel paperwork, Kelsey (to her credit) apologizes to Kishan for being mean to him about Durga, and says that if he wants to fall in love with a goddess he can go for it. Kishan says that that's not what the problem is. Kelsey doesn't get it, because her two brain cells are two busy bouncing around the inside of her skull trying to form a synapse.
She says she's still sorry for being insensitive.
He shrugged. "Women don't like hearing men talk about other women. [. . .]"
Here's a fun game: is Kishan being sexist, or is Houck?
Kishan says that the only reason he was gushing about Durga like that was to get a rise out of Kelsey. I legitimately thought that Kelsey already realized this during her conversation with Mr. Kadam a couple of pages ago, but she acts surprised when she hears this, so she's even more dense than I thought. Kishan felt bad when she didn't get jealous, and reiterates that Kelsey loves Ren. Which we already know because it's been on just about every page of this book so far. Kelsey says that she's Kishan's warp, too, which makes him happy. Because she's giving him hope, like Mr. Kadam told her to. Even if it's a completely false hope, because as I've already said, she's already in a relationship with Ren.
God, this book sucks. Every relationship is so toxic.
The two of them promise that they'll both get happy endings, regardless of what that ending happens to be. And more, uh, "comedy."
"Maybe I should get it in writing. I, Kelsey, promise Kishan that he will get the happy ending he seeks. Should I define the parameters for you now?"
"Uh, no. I'd like to keep it vague for the time being."
"Fine. Meanwhile, I will create a mental list of what constitutes a happy ending and get back to you."
Let's play a game called Find the Joke! It's treated like a joke, but there is absolutely nothing funny being said!
He kisses her fingers, partially because he's an asshole and partially because Kelsey keeps dangling the possibility of a relationship in front of him. And since Houck has already taught me that all men are constantly trying to be in a relationship, this is definitely a normal, healthy friendship that the two of them have.
He laughed as he finally let me go and then changed to a tiger before I could verbally chastise him.
How does him being a tiger keep you from talking to him? You chatter non-stop to both Ren and Kishan regardless of if they're humans or tigers. They can still understand you.
Also, keep in mind that they're still parked outside of a government building while Mr. Kadam is getting travel papers sorted out. Something tells me that transporting a large endangered animal across the borders is likely frowned upon. Especially into freaking Tibet, i.e., China. Also, a giant black tiger in the back of your Jeep is pretty conspicuous. But keeping track of your characters in physical space is haaaaard. So don't think about it.
Mr. Kadam gets back and says that they have permission to drive on the Friendship Highway, which is "something of a miracle" that he managed to secure through his connections with a high government official in China.
"How high?"
"The highest."
So, like, Xi Jinping? Once again, Mr. Kadam is over three hundred years old. If you're that old, having connections with every single powerful person on the planet is super conspicuous. The more people who know you, the more likely people are to notice that, hey, this guy worked with my predecessors. All of them. Which simply doesn't make sense if you're trying to hide from another evil immortal guy.
Anyway. They have to stop at the tourist spots so the government can keep an eye on them, which means more sightseeing!!
"It should take us about five hours just to hit the Chinese/Nepal border."
Either China/Nepal, or Chinese/Nepalese. Pick one. Editing, what's that??
I thought the Rockies were huge, but comparing the Himalayas with the Rockies was like comparing Rockies with the Appalachians, literally mountains to molehills.
When you're "literally" comparing mountain ranges, saying that the comparison is "literally" mountains to molehills is complete garbage. This sentence is so bad I'm having trouble processing it.
While they're driving, Kelsey decides to talk with Mr. Kadam some more. Because that's what this book needs. More Mr. Kadam talking. She asks him about the first company he invested in.
"That would be the East India Trading Company."
OH NO I WAS RIGHT
Yeah, the East India Company was absolutely devastating to India. It was literally how the British Empire colonized India. Oh, also, it was involved in the fucking slave trade.
Just for once, Houck. Do research outside of "this thing mentions India."
Kelsey asks what kind of things the company traded, and, oh look, the list is suspiciously similar to the one on Wikipedia!
"Oh, lots of things. Cloth--silk mostly--tea, indigo, spices, saltpeter, and opium."
Compare to:
[T]he company rose to account for half of the world's trade, particularly in basic commodities including cotton, silk, indigo dye, salt, spices, saltpeter, tea, and opium.
Hmm.
I teased him, "Mr. Kadam! You were a drug dealer?"
Holy shit, we're not actually getting into the Opium Wars are we--
He winced. "Not in the current definition of the word. Remember, opium was touted as medicinal then, but I did transport the drug in the beginning. I owned several ships and funded large caravans. When China banned the opium trade, triggering the Opium Wars, I stopped shipping it and focused most of my business on the spice trade."
MR. KADAM IS DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE FOR THE OPIUM WARS AND ANTI-WESTERN SENTIMENT IN CHINA, WHAT THE FUUUUUUCK
This is--this is really, really bad, folks. This is a step above "unfortunate implications" because he literally just admitted that he is responsible for the fucking Opium Wars. The problem is that Houck either doesn't know or doesn't care that this is actually a really horrific thing for our "benevolent mentor" character to have been involved in.
Let's take this slowly. Opium was not treated as a medicinal drug in China during the 19th Century, and was used recreationally beginning in around the 15th Century. It does have some medicinal uses, but that's only once it's refined into narcotics like morphine (also, heroin). Opium was widely known for its recreational use at this time, and was commonly used by Western countries for racist stereotypes that painted Chinese people as useless drug addicts.
Last time, the plot took a glacial step forward as Kelsey and Kishan received Durga's blessing, got some cool new stuff, and started heading toward Lhasa to meet with the Ocean Teacher. Mr. Kadam talked a lot (again) and Kelsey made some unfunny jokes (again).
Now, nothing really happens between seeing Durga and getting to Lhasa. You'd think that this would be a good section to skip over, then, or spend a couple of pages on. Because nothing happens. You would be wrong! It's more god-damned filler! It's literally just them driving from point A to point B and talking!
AAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGHHHHHHHHH
That in itself isn't all that bad--a slow chapter can be essential to good pacing if it's between scenes with a lot of action. But this book has maybe the worst pacing I've ever seen. We're almost halfway through and the only thing that's happened is Ren got kidnapped and they went to a temple! I honestly can't tell you what's happened in the last couple hundred pages, and I've read this thing three times and written detailed reviews of each chapter!
Chapter Fourteen: The Friendship Highway
We pick right back up from the last chapter with Kelsey and Kishan exiting the temple and finding Mr. Kadam. Why this conversation couldn't be at the end of the chapter before and the rest of this chapter cut, I have no idea.
Anyway. Mr. Kadam didn't see anything weird from the outside or feel any wind, because having things happen that could inconvenience our main characters--namely, getting found out by the local authorities for vandalizing a temple--would be interesting. He says he didn't want to go in because he didn't know if his presence would mess up the whole ritual (?) thing. Kelsey says it's a good thing he didn't because then she'd have to deal with both of them thinking that Durga is hot.
Kishan scowled at me while Mr. Kadam's face lit up with delight. "The goddess is beautiful, then?"
I responded, "She's okay."
Kishan began gushing, "Her beauty surpasses all other women. Her ruby lips, soft limbs, and long dark hair would be enough to cause any man to lose control of his faculties."
BEEP BOOP HUMAN
This is the same character who apparently calls people "bro" when he's angry. Also, notice that Durga's only qualities are that she's "beautiful." Isn't she a warrior goddess? Also, isn't she a goddess? And the only things you can think to say are that she's pretty? That's pretty lame.
Kelsey makes fun of him and says that Ren didn't act that way before, and Kishan says that he had reason to look elsewhere. Because Kelsey is as beautiful as a goddess. I think that's the intended message here, which is also pretty dumb because it is once again placing a weird emphasis on beauty rather than, uh, anything else. If you take out the bits where we hear about how hot everyone is (either in narration or just telling us through dialogue), what's left? Everyone being really annoying.
Mr. Kadam says that he'd like to meet Durga, and they say that next time he can sit in because they can always try again if it doesn't work the first time. I've already spoken about how this removes any tension from the narrative, so I won't belabor the point other than to say that this is not how the stakes in your action-adventure curse-breaking story should work. It makes things really boring.
On the way back to the hotel, Kelsey totally isn't jealous of Kishan talking about how Durga is, you guys.
I stopped listening, so I could tune out Kishan's constant praising of Durga and her lovely feminine features, which practically made me gag.
I-it's not like I l-like you or anything, b-baka!!
Anyway, Kelsey gets so fed up with Kishan talking about Durga that she "mock[s]" him, which is in keeping with Kelsey's character. Because she's terrible.
I leaned in the door frame between their connecting rooms, rolled my eyes, and during a break in Kishan's Durga tribute, mocked, "Are you going to yell like Xena when you throw the discus? No! Even better. We'll buy you a leather kilt."
Ooh, more bad comedy that relies on "X is a thing that exists"! Bonus points for Kelsey knowing that Kishan won't get it and saying it anyway because he won't be able to defend himself from being insulted! Also, I'm really not sure what a kilt has to do with anything, because if this is in reference to Xena, she wears a skirt. I guess the image of Kishan in a skirt is too emasculating to include because he's a love interest. Which just makes this confusing.
Kishan's golden eyes turned to me. "I hope your arrows are as sharp as your tongue, Kelsey."
If that's the case, I think Kelsey's arrows are made out of marshmallows or something.
This is what Kelsey's weapons look like.
He walks toward her and physically picks her up to move her out of the way, because Kishan is also kind of a jerk. He says that she's jealous and leaves Kelsey with Mr. Kadam. Kelsey says she's not jealous, and Mr. Kadam says that that's true because she's not jealous in the way that Kishan hopes she is.
Wow! Okay, so Kishan is acting like a child and trying to make Kelsey jealous of Durga because he's mad that she doesn't like him. And here I was thinking that Kishan was the mature one of the two brothers. I mean, he still is, but that's because Ren is so far in the other direction.
Mr. Kadam says that Kelsey is protecting Kishan by being mean to him (?).
"No. You clearly care for him. You want him to find happiness. And because Ren isn't here, all of your maternal instincts are focused on Kishan."
Hmm. Don't like that. Why is Houck intent on making me think about Kelsey being a mother to her boyfriend? Ick.
"I don't think what I feel for Ren is maternal."
"Of course, it is. Well, a part of it is, anyway."
Gross, Mr. Kadam. Gross.
What he means is that her relationship to the brothers is partially maternal because of the whole warp/weft thing from the last chapter. But this doesn't explain why it's necessarily maternal instead of something normal like, you know, friendship or something.
He asks if she's familiar with how lions work, and says that without the female lion hunting for the male lion, he would die, and says (in case you didn't pick up on the Subtle Symbolism here) that Kishan is the male lion and needs her to survive. Again, I'm not sure why this is a maternal thing because...it's not! The female lions are the male lion's mates!
But what ends up really happening here is that Mr. Kadam (and by extension, the narrative) says that without a female presence, the male characters are useless and unable to function. This might sound like a Girl Power TM statement, but it's bad! What's being said here is that without a female presence (which is by definition nurturing and mothering), male characters who are older than Kelsey also have no agency despite the fact that these are grown-ass adults. They can only function if they have a weird girlfriend-mother amalgam. This sucks!!!
Kelsey says that she can't be a weird girlfriend-mom to Kishan, and besides, Mr. Kadam is there to act as a friend and parent, anyway.
He chuckled. "Oh, yes. Of course. But a young man needs a young woman who believes in him. Not a crusty old man."
Remember, impressionable kids reading this, you're worthless and unfulfilled unless you're in a relationship with someone of the opposite sex, even if that relationship is basically just leading the other person on because they'll be sad otherwise!
Also, Mr. Kadam stopped aging at, like, forty-five. In what definition is that a "crusty old man"?
Kelsey heads back to her room, and has another Meaningful Dream. Ren and Kishan are standing next to each other, and Lokesh tells her to pick which one lives and which one dies. Ren nods at Kishan, who looks sad because he knows he won't get picked. Kelsey is still trying to choose when she wakes up.
Remember that this "life or death" thing is firmly rooted in "which one does Kelsey want to date."
The next morning, they head out for another day's drive toward Lhasa. When Mr. Kadam leaves the car to take care of some travel paperwork, Kelsey (to her credit) apologizes to Kishan for being mean to him about Durga, and says that if he wants to fall in love with a goddess he can go for it. Kishan says that that's not what the problem is. Kelsey doesn't get it, because her two brain cells are two busy bouncing around the inside of her skull trying to form a synapse.
She says she's still sorry for being insensitive.
He shrugged. "Women don't like hearing men talk about other women. [. . .]"
Here's a fun game: is Kishan being sexist, or is Houck?
Kishan says that the only reason he was gushing about Durga like that was to get a rise out of Kelsey. I legitimately thought that Kelsey already realized this during her conversation with Mr. Kadam a couple of pages ago, but she acts surprised when she hears this, so she's even more dense than I thought. Kishan felt bad when she didn't get jealous, and reiterates that Kelsey loves Ren. Which we already know because it's been on just about every page of this book so far. Kelsey says that she's Kishan's warp, too, which makes him happy. Because she's giving him hope, like Mr. Kadam told her to. Even if it's a completely false hope, because as I've already said, she's already in a relationship with Ren.
God, this book sucks. Every relationship is so toxic.
The two of them promise that they'll both get happy endings, regardless of what that ending happens to be. And more, uh, "comedy."
"Maybe I should get it in writing. I, Kelsey, promise Kishan that he will get the happy ending he seeks. Should I define the parameters for you now?"
"Uh, no. I'd like to keep it vague for the time being."
"Fine. Meanwhile, I will create a mental list of what constitutes a happy ending and get back to you."
Let's play a game called Find the Joke! It's treated like a joke, but there is absolutely nothing funny being said!
He kisses her fingers, partially because he's an asshole and partially because Kelsey keeps dangling the possibility of a relationship in front of him. And since Houck has already taught me that all men are constantly trying to be in a relationship, this is definitely a normal, healthy friendship that the two of them have.
He laughed as he finally let me go and then changed to a tiger before I could verbally chastise him.
How does him being a tiger keep you from talking to him? You chatter non-stop to both Ren and Kishan regardless of if they're humans or tigers. They can still understand you.
Also, keep in mind that they're still parked outside of a government building while Mr. Kadam is getting travel papers sorted out. Something tells me that transporting a large endangered animal across the borders is likely frowned upon. Especially into freaking Tibet, i.e., China. Also, a giant black tiger in the back of your Jeep is pretty conspicuous. But keeping track of your characters in physical space is haaaaard. So don't think about it.
Mr. Kadam gets back and says that they have permission to drive on the Friendship Highway, which is "something of a miracle" that he managed to secure through his connections with a high government official in China.
"How high?"
"The highest."
So, like, Xi Jinping? Once again, Mr. Kadam is over three hundred years old. If you're that old, having connections with every single powerful person on the planet is super conspicuous. The more people who know you, the more likely people are to notice that, hey, this guy worked with my predecessors. All of them. Which simply doesn't make sense if you're trying to hide from another evil immortal guy.
Anyway. They have to stop at the tourist spots so the government can keep an eye on them, which means more sightseeing!!
"It should take us about five hours just to hit the Chinese/Nepal border."
Either China/Nepal, or Chinese/Nepalese. Pick one. Editing, what's that??
I thought the Rockies were huge, but comparing the Himalayas with the Rockies was like comparing Rockies with the Appalachians, literally mountains to molehills.
When you're "literally" comparing mountain ranges, saying that the comparison is "literally" mountains to molehills is complete garbage. This sentence is so bad I'm having trouble processing it.
While they're driving, Kelsey decides to talk with Mr. Kadam some more. Because that's what this book needs. More Mr. Kadam talking. She asks him about the first company he invested in.
"That would be the East India Trading Company."
OH NO I WAS RIGHT
Yeah, the East India Company was absolutely devastating to India. It was literally how the British Empire colonized India. Oh, also, it was involved in the fucking slave trade.
Just for once, Houck. Do research outside of "this thing mentions India."
Kelsey asks what kind of things the company traded, and, oh look, the list is suspiciously similar to the one on Wikipedia!
"Oh, lots of things. Cloth--silk mostly--tea, indigo, spices, saltpeter, and opium."
Compare to:
[T]he company rose to account for half of the world's trade, particularly in basic commodities including cotton, silk, indigo dye, salt, spices, saltpeter, tea, and opium.
Hmm.
I teased him, "Mr. Kadam! You were a drug dealer?"
Holy shit, we're not actually getting into the Opium Wars are we--
He winced. "Not in the current definition of the word. Remember, opium was touted as medicinal then, but I did transport the drug in the beginning. I owned several ships and funded large caravans. When China banned the opium trade, triggering the Opium Wars, I stopped shipping it and focused most of my business on the spice trade."
MR. KADAM IS DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE FOR THE OPIUM WARS AND ANTI-WESTERN SENTIMENT IN CHINA, WHAT THE FUUUUUUCK
This is--this is really, really bad, folks. This is a step above "unfortunate implications" because he literally just admitted that he is responsible for the fucking Opium Wars. The problem is that Houck either doesn't know or doesn't care that this is actually a really horrific thing for our "benevolent mentor" character to have been involved in.
Let's take this slowly. Opium was not treated as a medicinal drug in China during the 19th Century, and was used recreationally beginning in around the 15th Century. It does have some medicinal uses, but that's only once it's refined into narcotics like morphine (also, heroin). Opium was widely known for its recreational use at this time, and was commonly used by Western countries for racist stereotypes that painted Chinese people as useless drug addicts.
This is super racist!
Mr. Kadam says he only transported opium in the beginning, but he says he stopped shipping it to China once the trade was declared illegal. The problems with the opium trade didn't come from the opium itself (mostly), but they did come from the fact that the opium trade in China crippled China's national economy, forced China to cede Hong Kong, and severely damaged China's sovereignty under the economic control of other European powers. Yes, a lot of the problems happened after opium was banned from entering China (which was still smuggled in anyway) but the whole point is that Britain started importing opium in order to damage China's economy enough to force it into better trade deals with Britain.
So, uh, that's a thing.
Kelsey, knowing nothing about these things and being an idiot, says that the reason why Mr. Kadam likes to grind his own spices is because he was involved in the spice trade.
And this, kids, is why you do proper research when you include historical events in your stories! Otherwise, your characters kind of turn into monsters. Oh, also don't have your characters joke about how participating in the opium trade in China makes them a drug dealer. Fucking inappropriate.
"Okay, I have two questions for you. Do you still have a ship? I know you kept a plane from that company, but do you still have a ship? Because that would be so cool. The second question is what's saltpeter?"
And now Kelsey is talking like a five-year-old on a sugar high for some reason.
Mr. Kadam says that it's an ingredient in gunpowder and a food preservative, if you're curious. Ren and Kishan own a boat, but it's not from the fucking East India Company. When did they have time to get a boat? It's a yacht, because Ren and Kishan are richer and better than you.
(Hey, I wonder if the boat comes back in some kind of book 3 Voyage of the Dawn Treader ripoff?)
They finally get to the "China/Nepal" border, which is correct but inconsistent within this book, so I still hate it. They stop every once in a while to sightsee, but like the clock tower from before, it just says that they saw it and gives no other details.
On this section of the drive, we saw six of the major mountains in the Himalayas, including Mount Everest, and stopped to take in the magnificent view of Mount Xixapangma.
You're welcome.
Kelsey gets altitude sickness and complains about it. Kishan and Mr. Kadam do some sightseeing without her (Ren! Is! Being! Tortured!) and when they get back Kishan says he doesn't like seeing her sick. Kelsey says that there isn't anything he can do. They do sell drugs for altitude sickness, you know. Aspirin probably won't cut it this time.
He gets Kelsey some water, and she starts to feel a bit better.
"Better, thanks. Except my head is pounding. Do we have any aspirin?"
EVERY TIME I SAY IT AS A JOKE IT HAPPENS
Kelsey massages her head for a bit, and then Kishan gets behind her and starts massaging her temples. Kelsey asks where he and Ren learned how to do that, and Kishan says that Deschen taught them how. I have no idea why she did, but sure. Massage seems like a normal part of a prince's education.
Kelsey asks what it was like being a tiger for so long. If you think my transition was abrupt, that's exactly how it happens in the book. Kishan starts massaging her, and then Kelsey asks what it's like to be a tiger.
Anyway, he says it's like being in constant battle between human and tiger. Which I have seen exactly zero evidence of so far. Really, the fact that two of our main characters are also just tigers most of the time is really pretty incidental to the plot. Yeah, they can only be human for six hours, but they can still travel without any problems, and Ren was even able to go to college. They don't act like tigers (you know, being animalistic or territorial and stuff), unless you count Ren's unhealthy possessiveness of Kelsey as coming from his being a tiger. It isn't, he's just like that. Kishan manages just fine--better than Ren, honestly.
He says that he just let the tiger part of himself take over and didn't think about being human at all.
"It must have been terribly lonely."
"I was running, hunting . . . and doing everything by instinct. I'm surprised I didn't lose my humanity altogether."
I have never been more terrified of ellipses in my entire life. He looks like he cut himself off there, and what else could an animal possibly do on base instinct? Hint: it's one of the four F's of survival (feeding, fleeing, fighting, and...mating).
Anway. Kelsey says that Ren struggled with the tiger half after she left, and Kishan says that that's true. She asks if he's been dealing with the same thing, and he says that it's gotten better. Kelsey remains oblivious as to why this is, even though this is, I think, the third conversation in two chapters where their conversation is about how Kishan is in love with her.
Kishan Angsts for a bit and says that he stayed out in the jungle because he "deserved to be punished." Kelsey tries to talk him out of that line of thinking and he thanks her. This is actually kind of a nice bit in a really boring conversation, even though I'm about eighty percent sure it's just supposed to make Kishan look like a Tortured Bad Boy and therefore nonthreatening and hot to the core demographic of teenage girls.
Kelsey asks why he wanted to be human again all of a sudden, and Kishan says it's because he met her at Ren's waterfall. Kelsey is just such a Nurturing Female Presence that she can cure male angst by existing. She's surprised to hear that it's because of her, because Kelsey's head is full of rocks. He says that no matter what happens he'll be grateful for what she did for him, and Kelsey tries to say that she loves Ren, because neither of these two brothers ever listen to Kelsey when she talks.
We've also had this conversation several times already, so I am incredibly bored.
Hey, it's time for a line that looks terrible out-of-context!
"Shh. Don't say it. No words of protest tonight. [. . .]"
Bonus points for them sitting on Kelsey's bed during this scene! Yikes!
Nah, he's actually saying that he knows she loves Ren and that he respects that, but he can't just forget about his own feelings. The Drama.
The next morning, Kelsey has recovered from her altitude sickness (thanks, aspirin!) and they stop in another city to sightsee (due to their government-mandated touristing). They eat Szechuan food for lunch, if you're curious. Forget the fact that Sichuan is hundreds of miles away from Tibet, so I'm not sure how likely it is to find a Szechuan-style "local restaurant" at the Tibet/Nepal border. I guess it could just be a tourist trap restaurant, but given the already-present problems with geography so far, I don't think that's the case.
The city was beautiful, and it was nice to get out of the car and walk for a while.
And that's all we get! This whole chapter is so pointless.
Mr. Kadam tries to teach Kelsey how to play chess, and she's bad at it, and she offers to teach him how to play Settlers of Catan at some point. Kelsey wonders if Li ever tried to contact her after she left, because Mr. Kadam disconnected all of their phone numbers after they left for India. Kelsey lets us know that she writes a letter to Sarah and Mike every couple of days, which Mr. Kadam mails from various locations, to let them know she's still, uh, alive. They send their letters to Ren's house, where Nilima reads them to Kelsey over the phone. For some reason, Lokesh didn't find them. That reason is because it would add conflict and tension to the story, and we can't have that.
They stop at Turquoise Lake to, again, sightsee. They don't stay for very long, but Mr. Kadam talks to some of the local fishermen.
When they get back to the car, Kelsey asks Mr. Kadam how many languages he speaks, and he speaks about a billion, including half of the Indian languages.
Puzzled, I asked, "Half? Just how many languages are there in India?"
She's only just now realizing that there's a ton of Indian languages? It's like someone took Houck aside and told her that "Indian" isn't a language. Which is what we got throughout the whole first book. Also, Kelsey just took a 300-level Indian Geography class in college--how does she not know about the different ethnic groups and languages? That's why you don't skip intro classes without prereqs, Houck. I remember what classes she's supposed to have taken, even if they don't impact the story at all. You made me read about it.
Mr. Kadam chatters while they drive some more, and Kelsey gets carsick (so we get to hear her complain some more). We learn that Tibet has a high elevation, a low population, and has some brackish lakes.
Kelsey asks what a brackish lake is, because she hates me personally and enjoys to see me suffer.
"Ah, there are four classifications of salinity in bodies of water--fresh; brackish, or brack; saline, or salt; and brine. A brackish lake, for example, the Caspian Sea, is somewhere between saltwater and freshwater. Most brackish water is found in estuaries where a saltwater ocean meets a freshwater river or stream."
I literally can't tell if this is supposed to be a joke or not, because it is indistinguishable from the other infodumps we get from Mr. Kadam that are supposed to be taken seriously.
They finally get off the Friendship highway, and drive a couple more hours to Lhasa. Then the chapter ends before we get to Lhasa.
Closing Thoughts
What the hell happened in this chapter? They drove on a really long road. There are a number of random conversations we get with people, but we learn (almost) nothing new about any of the characters. Mr. Kadam knows everything and likes to explain things. Kishan is in love with Kelsey and feels bad about it. We. Know. Already. The new stuff we do get to learn is some Mr. Kadam backstory, and it turns out he's directly responsible for European colonialism in Asia and played an indirect role in the slave trade! What the fuck!!!
Fun fact before I finish up--at the end of this chapter, we are officially exactly 50% of the way through Tiger's Quest. Kelsey & Co. have only just started the A-plot of this book. Even Tiger's Curse, which had similar pacing problems, was farther along by this point--Kelsey did all the nonsense at the circus, went to India, found out about the curse and got her blessing from Phet, hung out at Ren's house for a while, found Durga's prophecy in an Indiana Jones sequence, met Kishan, and would soon head to Hampi for the climax of the novel.
Let's use Harry Potter to compare, because those are actually good, and the first couple of books are about the same length as the Tiger's Curse books. Chamber of Secrets is also the second book in the series, so it has less exposition before getting to Hogwarts than Sorcerer's Sone does. This makes sense, because the first book tells the story about Harry's introduction to the wizarding world; by the time Chamber of Secrets happens, Harry (and the audience) is already somewhat familiar with the setting, so stuff starts happening sooner.
At the halfway point in Chamber of Secrets, Harry is in the hospital wing regrowing his bones after Professor Lockhart accidentally got rid of them. Before this, we've already gotten cryptic warnings from Dobby that something isn't right at Hogwarts, Harry and Ron flew to Hogwarts after Platform 9 3/4 mysteriously sealed itself shut (and crashed into the Whomping Willow), and Mrs. Norris got petrified after Harry hears a spooky voice in the walls. That's just the main plot stuff--we also get to see how Harry deals with the other students thinking that he's the Heir of Slytherin, a fair amount of Quidditch practice, and lots of nonsense from Gilderoy Lockhart.
I know comparing Harry Potter to Tiger's Curse is literally comparing mountains to molehills, but honestly one of the biggest problems with the second book is the god-awful pacing. Well, that and the worldbuilding for how the supernatural world works. But that's not for a couple of chapters. We'll get there.
Next time, Chapter Fifteen: Yin/Yang! Kelsey gets ready to meet the Ocean Teacher. No, she doesn't meet the Ocean Teacher in the next chapter, because that would be good pacing.
Comments
Post a Comment