Chapter 23: Going Home

Hello, and welcome back to our irregularly scheduled nonsense!

Last time, Ren made a very ~mysterious~ deal with Durga, and Kelsey thought he was dead for a few pages.  But since that could lead to some interesting character interactions, Kishan immediately told her that he had a convenient magical vision that he was alive, so it's all good.  The chapter ended with them leaving Shangri-la, so now it's time to go rescue Ren, right?

No!  We have another traveling/exposition chapter, because the climax of the novel is the best time to have one of those!

Great.

Chapter Twenty-Three: Going Home

The glowing handprint fades and they're back on Mount Everest next to that prayer pole that was there before.  Kelsey feels something sticking to her eyes, and she pulls off a green film.  She has to help Kishan with his eyes since he doesn't, you know, have hands.  Remember, the Ocean Teacher said that the scales would fall from their eyes when they were finished, so this is what's happening.  Also remember that he put the stuff on their eyelids, not their eyes, so I have no idea why it's in their eyes now.

Kelsey says that it's sunny but very cold.  Wasn't there a crazy storm going on when they entered Shangri-la?  And if the time thing happens the same way here, why is the weather different?  Also, remember that they were lost when they found the Spirit Gate, but now they know exactly where to go.  Inconsistency, ugh.  (Although, granted, I think the general direction when you're trying to get off a mountain is "downhill" so it's not that big a deal.)

Kelsey exposits about how Hugin cleared her thoughts again (we know, we were there), and says (again) that she has a plan to rescue Ren once they find out where he is.

I also hoped that time had stood still, or at least slowed, while we were in Shangri-la.

While, this should be what's happened, given how Kishkindha worked, it clearly isn't.  The weather is different, and stuff happened in real time while you were in Shangri-la.

I was sure Ren would be tormented every moment he was with Lokesh.  It was unbearable thinking of him being in pain at all, let alone for the many days we'd spent in the world beyond the spirit gate.

At risk of repeating myself for the millionth time, HE'S BEEN CAPTURED FOR A LOT LONGER THAN A FEW DAYS.  HE'S BEEN TORTURED FOR MONTHS.  SINCE YOU WERE IN OREGON.  LITERAL MONTHS AGO.  WHY WEREN'T YOU WORRIED AT ALL THEN?

She resolves to rescue Ren and not trade him for anyone else.  I guess it's good that she's not willing to sacrifice a friend to get Ren back?  But that's like the bare minimum of decency so I'm not terribly impressed.

Kishan can turn into a human again in the morning, so Kelsey makes him some snow gear with the Scarf.

He soon joined me dressed in his new clothes: a rust colored base-layer shirt that fit him tightly under a black waterproof jacket, black pants with elastic cuffs, warm insulated gloves, thick wool socks, and snow boots.  I appraised his appearance and congratulated myself on doing a good job.

Hey, I don't care what his outfit looks like!  I thought you were all jazzed to get back to Mr. Kadam so you could save Ren, why are you taking the time to describe every part of Kishan's outfit to me?

(The real reason is so that Houck can remind us that his shirt is tight because of all of his Manly Muscles, because never forget that Kishan is hot.)

Now that they have the Scarf, Kishan can be a human for twelve hours, so they're halfway done!  Yay!

They hike for the rest of the day and set up camp for the night, and only now does Kelsey decide to share her plan for rescuing Ren.  Kelsey exposits about what the Scarf can do, because remember that she somehow knows this from hearing three words from the Divine Weaver.  Dumb.

Anyway, this thing has a bunch of weird and unrelated powers:

1. "It can become or create anything made from fabric or natural fibers."

"Fabric" is kind of a broad concept, since it can be made of "natural fibers" or be completely synthetic, like polyester or Kevlar.

In doing so, the things it creates can be reabsorbed or exist independently of the Scarf, in which case it loses any magical properties.  I have no idea how Kelsey knows this, because she's getting all of this by the word "clothe."

2. It can gather the winds like Fujin's bag.

We've already seen this happen, so alright.

3. It can change your appearance.

Wait, what?  What does this have to do with any of the other things it can do?  And how does Kelsey know this?  This is literally all coming from the word "cloak," which doesn't immediately connote shapeshifting.

Because, yeah, it can make you shapeshift, for Reasons.

Kishan is rightly confused, so Kelsey explains that it's like a magician's trick, a "trick done with light and mirrors, sort of."  Because the Divine Weaver said that there was some sort of undefined "power" in the Scarf, it can not only create the clothes of that person "but [. . .] make you look like him or her as well."  That's...not an illusion?  That's called a "disguise."

This would make more sense as like an invisibility cloak or something, but I guess that's too similar to Harry Potter, so we just get Master of Disguise instead.  Goody.

Kelsey asks the Scarf to disguise her as Nilima.  She wraps herself up completely and feels all warm and tingly while the Scarf lights up.  She takes the Scarf off, and Kishan is shocked when she looks and sounds exactly like Nilima.  She feels cold because she's wearing a dress that Nilima apparently always wears.  Kishan comments on the fact that Kelsey's "skin" looks like Nilima's (because Nilima is Indian, remember, and this book likes to weirdly highlight skin color) and has Nilima's long painted nails that she apparently has.

Kelsey wraps herself back up and asks it to take the disguise off, so it does.  She gives it to Kishan to see how it looks from the outside, and he disguises himself as Mr. Kadam.  It's a perfect replica, and is even wearing his Matt Damon Amulet.  Kelsey asks if it's the real deal, and Kishan says that it isn't.

"I wore an amulet for most of my life, and when I gave you mine to wear, I could feel its absence.  This one doesn't feel real to me.  It doesn't feel powerful.  Also it's lighter in weight, and the surface is slightly different."

HAHAHAHA, "I can tell it's not the same because I can't sense it's mystical properties, and also because it doesn't look the same."  I can't make this stuff up.

Anyway, the surface of the one Kishan is wearing is made out of some sort of fabric.

Kishan asks Kelsey what her grand plan is to rescue Ren, and she says that they can disguise themselves as Lokesh's guards to sneak past him to get to Ren.  Yeah, the "grand plan" that we've been alluding to the whole time?  Literally the first thing you'd think of if you had the power to shapeshift.  This isn't an impressive plan at all, and it's far from foolproof.  Kelsey doesn't even speak the language, so what does she expect to do if anyone talks to her?  She's so stupid.

Regardless, they're still not sure where he is, so they're hoping that Mr. Kadam can help by identifying the distinctive tattoos on the guard that Kelsey saw in her MacGuffin vision.

During the next day's hike, Kishan complains about the fact that he has to be a tiger again.  Kelsey says that twelve hours is much better because now he can sleep as a tiger and be human for most of the day, which, yeah.  But he still complains about it!  Wokka wokka?

Kelsey asks Kishan to tell her everything he knows about Lokesh.  Yeah, we're finally getting some villain backstory!  At almost the end of the second book!  The pacing in this series is Bad!

Also, this is another one of those Talking Heads scenes where Kelsey asks a question, the other person answers it, and Kelsey asks another question, repeated ad nauseam.

Anyway, Kishan starts to give us Lokesh's backstory.  Turns out Lokesh didn't come from a royal bloodline even though he was a king.  He was one of those Evil Royal Adviser (TM) character archetypes that took over after the old king died without any children.  After that, Lokesh started building up a powerful army that Rajaram somehow had no idea existed.

"Minor skirmishes broke out between our armies, which he always claimed he had no knowledge of.  We now think that he was gathering intelligence because the skirmishes always occurred in key military areas."

AND YOU THOUGHT THEY WERE RANDOM?????  EVEN THOUGH YOUR ARMIES FOUGHT SEVERAL TIMES IN CRITICAL STRATEGIC AREAS???????

No wonder the Mujulaain Empire fell so easily.  Rajaram was an idiot.

Anyway, Lokesh always dismissed the skirmishes as "misunderstandings" of orders.  I am trying to figure out how this could even be true--what kind of order could you possibly give that could be misinterpreted as "attack the powerful empire's troops?"  And Rajaram believed him?

This is...this is advanced stupid, guys.  My brain hurts again.

Mr. Kadam was somehow the only member of Rajaram's council that suspected Lokesh wasn't telling the truth, because everyone else was busy huffing paint, I guess.

Kelsey asks what Lokesh's weaknesses are, like he's a boss fight in a video game.  (Here's a hint: always aim for the giant eyeballs.)

Kishan says that he thinks Lokesh abused Yesubai, which is a whole thing to just throw in as an aside.  He says that he doesn't really know about any of Lokesh's weaknesses, but he does know that he wants power, so that could be one.

Kelsey asks where Lokesh got the other pieces of the Matt Damon Amulet, and Kishan says that he has no idea.  He does know that they originally belonged to five warlords, which Rajaram and Deschen were both descended from, which is how he and Ren both ended up with a piece.  Gee, I can't wait to see what the backstory for these things actually is, since we have gotten literally no information about them!  Why are they named after Durga's tiger if one of them belonged to Genghis Khan?  What do they actually do?  Guess we'll have to wait and see!

Given how this series has gone so far, I'm about 80% sure we'll never actually get an answer by the fifth book.

No one had realized that the Amulets granted immortality because they were always passed down to the next generation.

"Our ancestors had longer lives than most, but the life span then was considerably shorter than it is today."

1. How does Kishan know what the average lifespan is now when he doesn't know what a football is?  2. That's not really accurate.  The average lifespan used to be much shorter, but that's because the infant mortality rate was much higher.  People who survived infancy lived quite a bit longer than the average, but it was a bit shorter than it is now due to modern medicine.

Kishan repeats that Lokesh's lust for power is his weakness.  Since they saw that the Scarf could produce a copy of the Matt Damon Amulet, they decide that they can exchange Ren for the fake amulet.

That night, they get to Mr. Kadam's camp at the base of the mountain.

I approached the tent and said, "Knock.  Knock.  Any room in there for a couple of wandering strangers?"

Now, normally this is rendered as "Knock, knock," but I am living for the hilariously deadpan way this comes across.  Kelsey offers to make some tea with the Golden Fruit to warm up, and takes the Scarf on her neck to increase the size of the tent and make some pillows.

Kishan helps Kelsey out of her coat and creepily strokes her arm, because he's terrible.

Mr. Kadam mumbled, "India's masses shall be robed."

"Huh, I guess we could clothe India's people with this thing.

Funny that that hadn't occurred to me before.

Because you're SELFISH.  Seriously, based on both prophecies, this is the literal purpose of the divine MacGuffins you've been using to make snacks and pajamas.  I hate every character in this book.

Kelsey says that it can also create Fujin's bag of winds.

Mr. Kadam exclaimed, "Similar to the bag of winds Odysseus received from Aiolos?  Ulysses' leather bag tied with a silver cord?"

Yep.  "Odysseus" and "Ulysses" appear next to each other.  Consistency, what's that?

"Perhaps sent by one of the gods of wind?  Vayu?  Striborg?  Njord?  Pazuzu?"

PAZUUUZUUUU!

"Don't forget Boreas and Zephyrus."

Let's see.  Vayu is the Hindu god of winds, Stribog (Note Spelling) is the Slavic god of wind, Njord is a Norse god more commonly associated with the sea, and Pazuzu is a Mesopotamian demon, technically of the southwest wind but more associated with bringing plagues and famine.  Boreas and Zephyrus are Greek personifications of the north and west winds, respectively.

This is more information than you get in the book.  Also, literally zero of them are associated with a bag of wind.  So, no, I have no idea why Mr. Kadam is telling us this, especially when we already know that the Scarf was woven by the Divine Weaver, who hangs out in one of Durga's temples.

Kishan takes the Scarf to demonstrate the disguise, and tries it out by not saying a name out loud to see if it will still work.  Kishan turns into Ren, which makes Kelsey upset.  Kishan tries to explain that he didn't want to shock Mr. Kadam by showing him his own face, but that's dumb.  What, does he think Mr. Kadam has never seen a mirror?

Mr. Kadam asks to see the Scarf, so Kishan takes it off and hands it to him.  Mr. Kadam says that it and the Fruit could help so many people, which is why they spend the next three books after this not doing that.  (I actually have no idea if they do or not, since I've only read up through the third book at this point, but I have a hunch.)

Kelsey asks how long they were gone, and Mr. Kadam says about a week.  So the time in Shangri-la didn't count, but the weather changed and stuff happened with Ren in real time, and now my brain hurts again.

The next morning, they start their trip back home to India, and regale Mr. Kadam with stories from Shangri-la, stopping at a hotel after a day of travel.  They pull out the camera and look through the pictures they took, and Kishan says he wants a copy of the picture he took of Kelsey when she was all dolled up by the Silvanae.  

Mr. Kadam says that she looks "quite becoming," which Kishan says is an understatement.  Kelsey brushes it off and says that it was just like getting a makeover.  Kishan waxes poetic about how beautiful and lovely she is, which Kelsey tries to shut down.

Kishan put his warm hands on my bare arms and rubbed them lightly.  He tugged me closer.  His eyes darted down to my mouth.  As he lowered his lips to within inches of mine, I deliberately pressed my hands against his chest and admonished, "Kishan."

"I like the way you say my name."

"Please let me go."

He lifted his head, sighed, and said softly, "Ren . . . is a lucky, lucky man."

I hate Kishan.

Kishan lets her go and says that he's going to take a shower.  Kelsey says she'd like to take a shower too, and Kishan cracks a joke that they should try to conserve some water.  Ha ha!  Sexual harassment is so funny!

The next day, Kelsey and Mr. Kadam put their heads together to try to figure out where Ren is.  I have no idea why this wasn't the first thing they talked about, given Kelsey's newfound desire to actually rescue Ren, but sure, better late than never.  They plan to do more research once they get back home, as well as look into Lokesh's Mumbai office (because, remember, Lokesh gave that away for literally no reason).

Rather than do this important thing, Kelsey tells us about how her relationship with Kishan has changed.  She's a bit alarmed at the fact that his flirting is getting worse, and I am similarly sketched out.  But instead of reacting like a normal human being, Kelsey thinks about how things could have happened differently--if Kishan had been the one she met first, or if Kishan had gone to Oregon instead of Ren.  Remember, nothing is more important than the Love Triangle.

This train of thought goes on for like two whole pages, all about how Kishan is great but Ren is even better.  Kishan asks what she's thinking about and she says she's thinking about Ren, and then falls asleep.  Yeah, it's that sudden in the book too.  Kishan wakes her up and tells her that they're home, and then the chapter ends.

Closing Thoughts

Wow, another boring chapter!  At least we know what the Scarf can do now, since Kelsey finally decided to tell us.  That entire conversation about Lokesh was almost pointless, since Kishan's answer to most of Kelsey's questions was, "I don't know."  Still, they figured out that they can make a fake Matt Damon Amulet, so that's at least a somewhat logical thing they can use in their plan.

Wait 'til you see what they actually do, it's absurdly complicated.

Next time, Chapter Twenty-Four: Confessions!  Kishan makes (another) confession to Kelsey about having feelings for her, and I tear my hair out while our characters continue to avoid doing anything important.