Chapters 26 & 27: Baiga & War Stories
Hello, and welcome back to our irregularly scheduled nonsense!
Last time, Kelsey & Co. saved Ren! It was badly written and the tone was all over the place, but they did it! We've passed the climax of the novel, and including this one, we have three chapters and an epilogue left before we get to the end of Tiger's Quest! I can hardly wait for Tiger's Voyage!
Ren also punched Kelsey in the face and knocked her out, so that's Kelsey's one hundredth-ish concussion for this series.
Also, fun bonus for you! Chapter Twenty-Six is really short and boring, so I'm giving you a twofer! This also means that we get to finish this book up even sooner!
Chapter Twenty-Six: Baiga
The chapter opens with Kelsey coming to after getting knocked the fuck out by Ren. Kishan is carrying her through the jungle, no longer disguised as Some Other Person, and Kelsey asks where they're going. Kishan says that they're following the Baiga into the jungle to get away from the military camp. No, I don't know why they can't just leave.
Well, it's actually so that Houck can show us that she did research on the Baiga people. And to "foreshadow" the big twist at the end of the book. I put "foreshadow" in quotes because it's bleeding obvious to anyone who has more brain cells than Kelsey, which is pretty much everyone.
Kishan tells her that she's been out for three hours. I referenced this in the first book when Kelsey got clocked in the head by a random rock, but that's a really long time to be unconscious. If you're briefly knocked out by a blow to the head--brief being less than five minutes--it can take months to fully recover. A Grade III concussion (the most serious) starts at five minutes of being unconscious.
Ehh, aspirin'll take care of it.
Mr. Kadam helps her drink some water, and Kelsey asks Kishan to put her down. Kelsey's ankle is still messed up from their fight with Lokesh, though, so Kishan picks her up again. From Kishan's arms, Kelsey notices the Baiga people next to them, moving silently through the jungle. A few of them are carrying a stretcher with a "slumped form" on top (obviously Ren), who sleeps the whole time. The Baiga eventually stop to set up camp for the night.
Mr. Kadam asks Kelsey to make some food for the Baiga for dinner, since Lokesh has been starving them too while they kept Ren contained. 1) I have no idea why Mr. Kadam can't make food for them since the Golden Fruit works for everyone, except that Kelsey is the Woman and her job is to make sure people are fed (yikes) and 2) Lokesh has no idea how to treat minions. Mr. Kadam even instructs Kelsey on what to make for dinner, when, again, the Golden Fruit can literally make things from your thoughts. I guess it's Kelsey's job to stay in the metaphorical kitchen. Ick.
They all sit down for dinner, and Kishan says that they're taking care of Ren in one of the tents. Kelsey gets up to join him, but Kishan grabs onto her and tells her to stay near him and Mr. Kadam.
Mr. Kadam specifically made sure that they eat in the custom of the Baiga people, where everyone sits in a circle and passes a bowl of food around. I don't know enough about Baiga customs to argue with this, so I'll assume it's correct (even though I can't find anything somewhere as easily accessible as a Wikipedia article). I only mention this because Kelsey throws out some weird terminology:
I used my canteen to clean my hands and tried to be patient as the Baiga moved on to the next ritual.
Is it okay to refer to a custom as a "ritual"? My gut says no--this seems to ascribe a spiritualism to a normal activity simply because they're tribespeople. Kind of unintentionally racist, actually.
Anyway, there's music and dancing and general merrymaking. A couple of women come over to Kelsey and ask if she'd like some tattoos to commemorate her husband's victory. Kelsey asks Mr. Kadam who they think her husband is, and Mr. Kadam, embarrassed, says that they think it's him. Since Kelsey used the Golden Fruit, they think that she's a goddess and therefore married to Mr. Kadam. Mr. Kadam further exposits that they think Kishan and Ren are their sons, even though they're older than Kelsey, because goddesses can remain young and beautiful forever. Alright. Again, this is taking the "innocent, simple tribespeople" thing a liiiittle bit too far. They're not idiots, Houck, even if they do believe in spirits.
Instead of telling them the truth, Mr. Kadam asks Kelsey to show them her glowing henna tattoo. He does explain to the Baiga women that Kelsey already has a tattoo, though, because otherwise they wouldn't leave them alone without tattooing Kelsey.
One of the men was a fire-eater. I watched his performance, impressed with his skill, but I was in pain and exhausted.
If you're not going to describe the stuff that's happening, why even bring it up in the first place?
Kelsey falls asleep (which, rude) and wakes up a little while later. The tent flaps open up, and Ren walks out! His wounds have already started healing, but more importantly:
Someone had washed his hair and slicked it back.
Oh, good, someone decided to make him look more Hawt.
He immediately looks past Mr. Kadam and Kelsey, and smiles at Kishan. Mr. Kadam may or may not still be disguised (it isn't exactly told to us, which is incredibly annoying), but why doesn't he look at Kelsey??? It's such a mystery!!! It couldn't possibly have something to do with that deal he made with Durga, could it???
Ren hugs Kishan, and starts talking to him in Hindi. He won't talk to Kelsey for Some Reason, so she butts in and asks him if he'd like anything to eat. He quickly says no and goes back to his conversation with Kishan.
Then the guy Kelsey saw in her MacGuffin vision comes up to Ren, and asks Ren to either forgive him for his actions (since he was coerced into helping Lokesh, who killed his family) or he will leave the village forever. Again, Lokesh really needs to learn how to deal with minions, because you don't kill someone's family to make them loyal to you. You keep them hostage so the other person does what you say, or then you'll kill them. Anyway, he pulls out a knife and cuts off his long hair to offer to Ren. I have no idea if this is a thing that the Baiga people do, or if Houck just stole this from the Dothraki. Anyway, Ren accepts the man's hair, and Mr. Kadam translates Ren's forgiveness.
Next, the leader brings out two hot Baiga women, who kneel in front of Ren and Kishan.
The women had long, beautiful, glossy black hair and fine, delicate features. Their trim waists were accented by thin belts made of polished stone. They were curvy in a way I would never be.
Hey, I thought Lokesh was starving the Baiga people for as long as he was starving Ren? These women shouldn't look hot, they should look sick.
Kelsey ogles their tattoos for a while, specifically wondering how much of them is tattooed. These undertones remind me of her naked massage sessions with the Silvanae.
Anyway, Ren stands up and smiles at the girls. Kelsey ogles him (again, he should look pretty bad), and tells us that it was the disguise that caused him to punch her, and that they're playing a role for the Baiga. Since she's Mr. Kadam's "wife," they can't walk around acting all lovey-dovey, after all.
Ren picks up one of the girls' hands and kisses it. Kishan looks shocked, and Mr. Kadam looks "grim." What could it mean??
Ren and Kishan start arguing in Hindi. Ren seems confused about why they're arguing at all, and Kishan keeps looking over at Mr. Kadam like he's asking for help. Weirdly, Ren says something in another language (presumably Hindi) to one of the girls, who laughs. But we have already established that the Baiga don't actually speak Hindi, and in fact Mr. Kadam already had to translate Ren's Hindi into whatever language the Baiga speak. Consistency, what's that?
Anyway, Kelsey asks Mr. Kadam what the hell is going on, and Mr. Kadam says that the leader of the Baiga is offering Ren and Kishan permanent membership in the tribe. Through marriage. Ren and Kishan were arguing about whether or not to accept. Kelsey nudges Kishan in the ribs and tells him that he can take a Baiga wife if he wants to, but Kishan angrily says that that's not what's going on and he doesn't want to marry one of them.
If you thought that was obvious, Kelsey still doesn't get it.
Now I was more confused and slightly jealous.
Kelsey is so dumb.
She also falls asleep again, and I am genuinely concerned that this is a symptom of her recent traumatic brain injury. Although, to be fair, she always acts like this, so whatever.
Anyway, it's time to leave. Mr. Kadam pulls out a "fancy military gadget" that displays their latitude and longitude, and, more than that, tells them how much farther they have to go to their destination!
So, you know. A GPS device. This book was published in 2011. Handheld GPS navigation devices like Kelsey is describing started hitting markets ~2005.
Ren turns into a tiger, which Kishan says will help him heal faster. I doubt this, but it's pretty obvious he's using it as an excuse, so I'll let it slide. Kelsey's injuries are also pretty bad--her ankle is the size of a grapefruit, and her jaw is messed up from where Ren clocked her. She takes some...ibuprofen. Hey, our first instance of something other than aspirin!
Kelsey reaches out to pet Ren, but he growls at her. Kishan says not to bother him, and Kelsey says that it's like Ren doesn't even know who she is.
DO YOU GET WHAT'S GOING ON YET????
Kelsey still doesn't. Kishan says that it's likely that Ren is lashing out like a wounded animal does. Kelsey points out that she healed the both of them before (remember when they almost killed each other over Kishan touching Kelsey's face? Good times) and neither of them tried to attack her then. Kishan says it's probably something Lokesh did, and they should give him time to recover. After a while, they meet up at their rendezvous point, a lake where one of those water plane lands.
Turns out Nilima is flying the plane. Why can't we have Nilima more often? She can fly a plane, she seems pretty cool. I guess there's only room for one (1) female character, though, so she doesn't really get to do anything fun. I don't remember her doing all that much in the next book either, but it's always possible she gets more of a role in the last two books.
Everyone takes their place in the plane, and Nilima takes off. Ren's still a tiger, and he snuggles up with Kishan, who doesn't look thrilled. As they fly out into the night, Kelsey falls asleep on Mr. Kadam's shoulder, because this gives Houck an easy way to transition into the next chapter.
Chapter Twenty-Seven: War Stories
Hey, do you want to hear about how they saved Ren again, but worse this time since it's already happened? No? Well, bad news!
Kelsey wakes up as the plane touches down in a small lake near Ren's mansion. The five of them squeeze into the Jeep (parked nearby), which takes some doing as Ren is still a giant tiger. Mr. Kadam and Kishan are the only things keeping Kelsey from talking to Ren. She's still not suspicious that anything is wrong.
Kelsey takes a shower when they get back home, and she's excited to talk to Ren finally. She thinks about all the things they have to talk about, but instead of hearing about what she's planning on saying to her boyfriend after he's been captured for months, she complains about how everything hurts. She thinks about how she healed much faster in Kishkindha and Shangri-la, but not here. We know this already.
Kelsey reminds us that Ren made a deal with Durga, and that she has to thank Durga for helping Ren out. So is she talking about praying to Durga, or is she going to literally tell her the next time they see her for quest stuff? No idea.
Kelsey hobbles downstairs to find that Ren is still a tiger. Mr. Kadam says it's possible that he spent too long as a man to be able to change back right now.
Wait, he was a human the entire time Lokesh had him? I thought that he's a tiger the whole time if he's in captivity, like we saw when he was getting passed from circus to circus? Also, the Baiga can control tigers, so why were they even there at all if he was a human the whole time? This is stupid.
Ren still doesn't react to Kelsey being there. Kelsey still doesn't realize that something is wrong. She's stupid.
Kishan takes Kelsey to the kitchen, where Nilima is making some food (because she is also a woman). Kelsey asks why Nilima is taking care of her.
"You are . . . special, Miss Kelsey."
Ughhhhh. Why is Kelsey special again? Other than that she's the protagonist?
Nilima says it's because she's keeping "the family" together like this is some sort of mafia crime ring.
"We became a family when you became part of our lives. Though there is danger, he's never been as fulfilled or as happy as when you are around. He loves you. They all love you."
"God, you're so great, Kelsey! You make everyone's life better simply because you exist!"
Nilima says that she's the only one of Mr. Kadam's to know the truth, or even that Mr. Kadam is still alive. She does not tell us why she's the only one who knows, or what she did to find out. This is disappointing, because it could have been interesting. But no, Kelsey's more excited about the omelettes she's making.
There was something comforting and homey about being in the kitchen with another woman while cooking.
Not even going to touch that.
Kelsey sets a plate of eggs in front of Ren and rubs his head while he eats them. He growls at her again, and Kishan tells her to step back. Ren stands up and walks towards Kishan, and Kelsey feels offended. She still doesn't get that something is wrong.
Most of the rest of the chapter is the three of them telling the events that we already read to Nilima, who doesn't offer much in terms of conversation. In fact, she only asks a couple of questions throughout the whole thing, and makes a boob joke.
Anyway. The three of them parachuted into a clearing close to the military camp and hiked in. I have no idea how Lokesh didn't notice them, especially considering he was probably on high alert since he knew they were looking for him. Whatever. The pilot wasn't Nilima for some reason, but some old guy who worked for Flying Tiger Airlines who flew in World War II. We learn that one of the things they learned during the week of training was how to parachute out of a plane. Kishan and Kelsey bicker for a bit because Kelsey insisted on going solo because Kishan got too handsy while they were practicing in tandem. I would just like to reiterate that I hate Kishan.
Anyway, Kishan had to literally drag Kelsey out of the plane so they didn't miss their jump window. Kishan says that they didn't have another option.
He'd offered me another option alright. The option to drop the whole thing, forget about Ren, and run away with him instead. It was either that or leap out of an airplane by myself.
I wasn't sure if he was serious or just trying to get me to jump. I'd just opened my mouth to lecture him on maintaining an appropriate distance, when he growled angrily, grabbed my hand, and jumped out of the hatch.
Man this would have been nice to see play out instead of summarized! This is just the sort of dramatic tension the climax needed to make it feel like something was actually happening, but nope! We just get this instead.
Anyway, we get to hear what the disguises were, finally. Kishan turned into Kelsey, Kelsey turned into the Baiga servant she saw in her vision, and Mr. Kadam turned into a tiger.
I'd like to apologize for getting that part wrong in the previous spork, actually--I didn't remember until going over this chapter that Kishan didn't actually change back and forth, which means his disguise wasn't actually in any danger of poofing away. I will say, however, that this still isn't good writing, since I've read that part three times and still had no idea what was happening. It's really confusing.
Mr. Kadam drew off some of the soldiers while Kelsey!Kishan went to distract Lokesh and Baiga!Kelsey blew up the watchtowers.
Kishan explains what he was doing while disguised as Kelsey. He took out some of the guards (those were the ones piled up) and then used his Kelsey disguise to trick some other guys into helping him by...seducing them?
"I acted female. I stumbled into the room, feigned shock and fear, and asked all the big, strong men to protect me, saying that there was a crazy guy trying to kill me with a golden disc. You know, I batted my eyes and flirted. Woman stuff."
Kishan, everybody!
Anyway, he explains that he was just using his "assets" to his advantage.
"That's fine when you're using your own assets, but not when you're using mine!"
"Fine! Next time I'll go as Nilima!"
Nilima said, "Hey! Nobody's using my assets either."
Laugh, dammit!
Mr. Kadam quiets them down and continues the story. Tiger!Mr. Kadam tripped a bunch of traps in the jungle while going around taking out as many soldiers as possible. Once he got back to the camp, he used the Scarf to change disguises--he changed from a tiger into the Baiga god Dulha Dao. That's how he got all the Baiga people to go along with him, and why they were (I think) so deferential to him at their camp! He was pretending to be one of their gods!
It gets weird:
"Miss Kelsey left the gada in a discreet location for me to use. It's normally heavy for me, but when I yielded it as Dulha Dao, it felt light."
WHAT?? The Scarf can literally turn you into a god? Because you literally gain the attributes of the person you disguise yourself as????
This is huge! Ren and Kishan could potentially disguise themselves as a regular human and not have to deal with the whole tiger thing anymore! If they ever run into trouble, they can disguise themselves as some all-powerful being (literally anyone from mythology) and they'll be fine! Of course, this power is criminally underutilized in the rest of the series.
Nilima asks what Dulha Dao looked like, and Kelsey says that he was hot. Because that's all that matters, remember. She literally describes how hot he was for like two paragraphs, to the point where the other characters stare at her like she's crazy.
"What?" I asked, embarrassed. "Okay. So apparently I find burly Indian men attractive. What's wrong with that?"
Laugh, dammit!
Mr. Kadam is happily embarrassed and says that it's been a long time since a woman has found him dot dot dot burly. Can we have a single male character that doesn't flirt awkwardly with Kelsey? Please?
Then we get a description of the scene where Kelsey and Kishan fight Lokesh, which we've already read, except this time it's summarized from Mr. Kadam's point of view.
Last time, Kelsey & Co. saved Ren! It was badly written and the tone was all over the place, but they did it! We've passed the climax of the novel, and including this one, we have three chapters and an epilogue left before we get to the end of Tiger's Quest! I can hardly wait for Tiger's Voyage!
Ren also punched Kelsey in the face and knocked her out, so that's Kelsey's one hundredth-ish concussion for this series.
Also, fun bonus for you! Chapter Twenty-Six is really short and boring, so I'm giving you a twofer! This also means that we get to finish this book up even sooner!
Chapter Twenty-Six: Baiga
The chapter opens with Kelsey coming to after getting knocked the fuck out by Ren. Kishan is carrying her through the jungle, no longer disguised as Some Other Person, and Kelsey asks where they're going. Kishan says that they're following the Baiga into the jungle to get away from the military camp. No, I don't know why they can't just leave.
Well, it's actually so that Houck can show us that she did research on the Baiga people. And to "foreshadow" the big twist at the end of the book. I put "foreshadow" in quotes because it's bleeding obvious to anyone who has more brain cells than Kelsey, which is pretty much everyone.
Kishan tells her that she's been out for three hours. I referenced this in the first book when Kelsey got clocked in the head by a random rock, but that's a really long time to be unconscious. If you're briefly knocked out by a blow to the head--brief being less than five minutes--it can take months to fully recover. A Grade III concussion (the most serious) starts at five minutes of being unconscious.
Ehh, aspirin'll take care of it.
Mr. Kadam helps her drink some water, and Kelsey asks Kishan to put her down. Kelsey's ankle is still messed up from their fight with Lokesh, though, so Kishan picks her up again. From Kishan's arms, Kelsey notices the Baiga people next to them, moving silently through the jungle. A few of them are carrying a stretcher with a "slumped form" on top (obviously Ren), who sleeps the whole time. The Baiga eventually stop to set up camp for the night.
Mr. Kadam asks Kelsey to make some food for the Baiga for dinner, since Lokesh has been starving them too while they kept Ren contained. 1) I have no idea why Mr. Kadam can't make food for them since the Golden Fruit works for everyone, except that Kelsey is the Woman and her job is to make sure people are fed (yikes) and 2) Lokesh has no idea how to treat minions. Mr. Kadam even instructs Kelsey on what to make for dinner, when, again, the Golden Fruit can literally make things from your thoughts. I guess it's Kelsey's job to stay in the metaphorical kitchen. Ick.
They all sit down for dinner, and Kishan says that they're taking care of Ren in one of the tents. Kelsey gets up to join him, but Kishan grabs onto her and tells her to stay near him and Mr. Kadam.
Mr. Kadam specifically made sure that they eat in the custom of the Baiga people, where everyone sits in a circle and passes a bowl of food around. I don't know enough about Baiga customs to argue with this, so I'll assume it's correct (even though I can't find anything somewhere as easily accessible as a Wikipedia article). I only mention this because Kelsey throws out some weird terminology:
I used my canteen to clean my hands and tried to be patient as the Baiga moved on to the next ritual.
Is it okay to refer to a custom as a "ritual"? My gut says no--this seems to ascribe a spiritualism to a normal activity simply because they're tribespeople. Kind of unintentionally racist, actually.
Anyway, there's music and dancing and general merrymaking. A couple of women come over to Kelsey and ask if she'd like some tattoos to commemorate her husband's victory. Kelsey asks Mr. Kadam who they think her husband is, and Mr. Kadam, embarrassed, says that they think it's him. Since Kelsey used the Golden Fruit, they think that she's a goddess and therefore married to Mr. Kadam. Mr. Kadam further exposits that they think Kishan and Ren are their sons, even though they're older than Kelsey, because goddesses can remain young and beautiful forever. Alright. Again, this is taking the "innocent, simple tribespeople" thing a liiiittle bit too far. They're not idiots, Houck, even if they do believe in spirits.
Instead of telling them the truth, Mr. Kadam asks Kelsey to show them her glowing henna tattoo. He does explain to the Baiga women that Kelsey already has a tattoo, though, because otherwise they wouldn't leave them alone without tattooing Kelsey.
One of the men was a fire-eater. I watched his performance, impressed with his skill, but I was in pain and exhausted.
If you're not going to describe the stuff that's happening, why even bring it up in the first place?
Kelsey falls asleep (which, rude) and wakes up a little while later. The tent flaps open up, and Ren walks out! His wounds have already started healing, but more importantly:
Someone had washed his hair and slicked it back.
Oh, good, someone decided to make him look more Hawt.
He immediately looks past Mr. Kadam and Kelsey, and smiles at Kishan. Mr. Kadam may or may not still be disguised (it isn't exactly told to us, which is incredibly annoying), but why doesn't he look at Kelsey??? It's such a mystery!!! It couldn't possibly have something to do with that deal he made with Durga, could it???
Ren hugs Kishan, and starts talking to him in Hindi. He won't talk to Kelsey for Some Reason, so she butts in and asks him if he'd like anything to eat. He quickly says no and goes back to his conversation with Kishan.
Then the guy Kelsey saw in her MacGuffin vision comes up to Ren, and asks Ren to either forgive him for his actions (since he was coerced into helping Lokesh, who killed his family) or he will leave the village forever. Again, Lokesh really needs to learn how to deal with minions, because you don't kill someone's family to make them loyal to you. You keep them hostage so the other person does what you say, or then you'll kill them. Anyway, he pulls out a knife and cuts off his long hair to offer to Ren. I have no idea if this is a thing that the Baiga people do, or if Houck just stole this from the Dothraki. Anyway, Ren accepts the man's hair, and Mr. Kadam translates Ren's forgiveness.
Next, the leader brings out two hot Baiga women, who kneel in front of Ren and Kishan.
The women had long, beautiful, glossy black hair and fine, delicate features. Their trim waists were accented by thin belts made of polished stone. They were curvy in a way I would never be.
Hey, I thought Lokesh was starving the Baiga people for as long as he was starving Ren? These women shouldn't look hot, they should look sick.
Kelsey ogles their tattoos for a while, specifically wondering how much of them is tattooed. These undertones remind me of her naked massage sessions with the Silvanae.
Anyway, Ren stands up and smiles at the girls. Kelsey ogles him (again, he should look pretty bad), and tells us that it was the disguise that caused him to punch her, and that they're playing a role for the Baiga. Since she's Mr. Kadam's "wife," they can't walk around acting all lovey-dovey, after all.
Ren picks up one of the girls' hands and kisses it. Kishan looks shocked, and Mr. Kadam looks "grim." What could it mean??
Ren and Kishan start arguing in Hindi. Ren seems confused about why they're arguing at all, and Kishan keeps looking over at Mr. Kadam like he's asking for help. Weirdly, Ren says something in another language (presumably Hindi) to one of the girls, who laughs. But we have already established that the Baiga don't actually speak Hindi, and in fact Mr. Kadam already had to translate Ren's Hindi into whatever language the Baiga speak. Consistency, what's that?
Anyway, Kelsey asks Mr. Kadam what the hell is going on, and Mr. Kadam says that the leader of the Baiga is offering Ren and Kishan permanent membership in the tribe. Through marriage. Ren and Kishan were arguing about whether or not to accept. Kelsey nudges Kishan in the ribs and tells him that he can take a Baiga wife if he wants to, but Kishan angrily says that that's not what's going on and he doesn't want to marry one of them.
If you thought that was obvious, Kelsey still doesn't get it.
Now I was more confused and slightly jealous.
Kelsey is so dumb.
She also falls asleep again, and I am genuinely concerned that this is a symptom of her recent traumatic brain injury. Although, to be fair, she always acts like this, so whatever.
Anyway, it's time to leave. Mr. Kadam pulls out a "fancy military gadget" that displays their latitude and longitude, and, more than that, tells them how much farther they have to go to their destination!
So, you know. A GPS device. This book was published in 2011. Handheld GPS navigation devices like Kelsey is describing started hitting markets ~2005.
Ren turns into a tiger, which Kishan says will help him heal faster. I doubt this, but it's pretty obvious he's using it as an excuse, so I'll let it slide. Kelsey's injuries are also pretty bad--her ankle is the size of a grapefruit, and her jaw is messed up from where Ren clocked her. She takes some...ibuprofen. Hey, our first instance of something other than aspirin!
Kelsey reaches out to pet Ren, but he growls at her. Kishan says not to bother him, and Kelsey says that it's like Ren doesn't even know who she is.
DO YOU GET WHAT'S GOING ON YET????
Kelsey still doesn't. Kishan says that it's likely that Ren is lashing out like a wounded animal does. Kelsey points out that she healed the both of them before (remember when they almost killed each other over Kishan touching Kelsey's face? Good times) and neither of them tried to attack her then. Kishan says it's probably something Lokesh did, and they should give him time to recover. After a while, they meet up at their rendezvous point, a lake where one of those water plane lands.
Turns out Nilima is flying the plane. Why can't we have Nilima more often? She can fly a plane, she seems pretty cool. I guess there's only room for one (1) female character, though, so she doesn't really get to do anything fun. I don't remember her doing all that much in the next book either, but it's always possible she gets more of a role in the last two books.
Everyone takes their place in the plane, and Nilima takes off. Ren's still a tiger, and he snuggles up with Kishan, who doesn't look thrilled. As they fly out into the night, Kelsey falls asleep on Mr. Kadam's shoulder, because this gives Houck an easy way to transition into the next chapter.
Chapter Twenty-Seven: War Stories
Hey, do you want to hear about how they saved Ren again, but worse this time since it's already happened? No? Well, bad news!
Kelsey wakes up as the plane touches down in a small lake near Ren's mansion. The five of them squeeze into the Jeep (parked nearby), which takes some doing as Ren is still a giant tiger. Mr. Kadam and Kishan are the only things keeping Kelsey from talking to Ren. She's still not suspicious that anything is wrong.
Kelsey takes a shower when they get back home, and she's excited to talk to Ren finally. She thinks about all the things they have to talk about, but instead of hearing about what she's planning on saying to her boyfriend after he's been captured for months, she complains about how everything hurts. She thinks about how she healed much faster in Kishkindha and Shangri-la, but not here. We know this already.
Kelsey reminds us that Ren made a deal with Durga, and that she has to thank Durga for helping Ren out. So is she talking about praying to Durga, or is she going to literally tell her the next time they see her for quest stuff? No idea.
Kelsey hobbles downstairs to find that Ren is still a tiger. Mr. Kadam says it's possible that he spent too long as a man to be able to change back right now.
Wait, he was a human the entire time Lokesh had him? I thought that he's a tiger the whole time if he's in captivity, like we saw when he was getting passed from circus to circus? Also, the Baiga can control tigers, so why were they even there at all if he was a human the whole time? This is stupid.
Ren still doesn't react to Kelsey being there. Kelsey still doesn't realize that something is wrong. She's stupid.
Kishan takes Kelsey to the kitchen, where Nilima is making some food (because she is also a woman). Kelsey asks why Nilima is taking care of her.
"You are . . . special, Miss Kelsey."
Ughhhhh. Why is Kelsey special again? Other than that she's the protagonist?
Nilima says it's because she's keeping "the family" together like this is some sort of mafia crime ring.
"We became a family when you became part of our lives. Though there is danger, he's never been as fulfilled or as happy as when you are around. He loves you. They all love you."
"God, you're so great, Kelsey! You make everyone's life better simply because you exist!"
Nilima says that she's the only one of Mr. Kadam's to know the truth, or even that Mr. Kadam is still alive. She does not tell us why she's the only one who knows, or what she did to find out. This is disappointing, because it could have been interesting. But no, Kelsey's more excited about the omelettes she's making.
There was something comforting and homey about being in the kitchen with another woman while cooking.
Not even going to touch that.
Kelsey sets a plate of eggs in front of Ren and rubs his head while he eats them. He growls at her again, and Kishan tells her to step back. Ren stands up and walks towards Kishan, and Kelsey feels offended. She still doesn't get that something is wrong.
Most of the rest of the chapter is the three of them telling the events that we already read to Nilima, who doesn't offer much in terms of conversation. In fact, she only asks a couple of questions throughout the whole thing, and makes a boob joke.
Anyway. The three of them parachuted into a clearing close to the military camp and hiked in. I have no idea how Lokesh didn't notice them, especially considering he was probably on high alert since he knew they were looking for him. Whatever. The pilot wasn't Nilima for some reason, but some old guy who worked for Flying Tiger Airlines who flew in World War II. We learn that one of the things they learned during the week of training was how to parachute out of a plane. Kishan and Kelsey bicker for a bit because Kelsey insisted on going solo because Kishan got too handsy while they were practicing in tandem. I would just like to reiterate that I hate Kishan.
Anyway, Kishan had to literally drag Kelsey out of the plane so they didn't miss their jump window. Kishan says that they didn't have another option.
He'd offered me another option alright. The option to drop the whole thing, forget about Ren, and run away with him instead. It was either that or leap out of an airplane by myself.
I wasn't sure if he was serious or just trying to get me to jump. I'd just opened my mouth to lecture him on maintaining an appropriate distance, when he growled angrily, grabbed my hand, and jumped out of the hatch.
Man this would have been nice to see play out instead of summarized! This is just the sort of dramatic tension the climax needed to make it feel like something was actually happening, but nope! We just get this instead.
Anyway, we get to hear what the disguises were, finally. Kishan turned into Kelsey, Kelsey turned into the Baiga servant she saw in her vision, and Mr. Kadam turned into a tiger.
I'd like to apologize for getting that part wrong in the previous spork, actually--I didn't remember until going over this chapter that Kishan didn't actually change back and forth, which means his disguise wasn't actually in any danger of poofing away. I will say, however, that this still isn't good writing, since I've read that part three times and still had no idea what was happening. It's really confusing.
Mr. Kadam drew off some of the soldiers while Kelsey!Kishan went to distract Lokesh and Baiga!Kelsey blew up the watchtowers.
Kishan explains what he was doing while disguised as Kelsey. He took out some of the guards (those were the ones piled up) and then used his Kelsey disguise to trick some other guys into helping him by...seducing them?
"I acted female. I stumbled into the room, feigned shock and fear, and asked all the big, strong men to protect me, saying that there was a crazy guy trying to kill me with a golden disc. You know, I batted my eyes and flirted. Woman stuff."
Kishan, everybody!
Anyway, he explains that he was just using his "assets" to his advantage.
"That's fine when you're using your own assets, but not when you're using mine!"
"Fine! Next time I'll go as Nilima!"
Nilima said, "Hey! Nobody's using my assets either."
Laugh, dammit!
Mr. Kadam quiets them down and continues the story. Tiger!Mr. Kadam tripped a bunch of traps in the jungle while going around taking out as many soldiers as possible. Once he got back to the camp, he used the Scarf to change disguises--he changed from a tiger into the Baiga god Dulha Dao. That's how he got all the Baiga people to go along with him, and why they were (I think) so deferential to him at their camp! He was pretending to be one of their gods!
It gets weird:
"Miss Kelsey left the gada in a discreet location for me to use. It's normally heavy for me, but when I yielded it as Dulha Dao, it felt light."
WHAT?? The Scarf can literally turn you into a god? Because you literally gain the attributes of the person you disguise yourself as????
This is huge! Ren and Kishan could potentially disguise themselves as a regular human and not have to deal with the whole tiger thing anymore! If they ever run into trouble, they can disguise themselves as some all-powerful being (literally anyone from mythology) and they'll be fine! Of course, this power is criminally underutilized in the rest of the series.
Nilima asks what Dulha Dao looked like, and Kelsey says that he was hot. Because that's all that matters, remember. She literally describes how hot he was for like two paragraphs, to the point where the other characters stare at her like she's crazy.
"What?" I asked, embarrassed. "Okay. So apparently I find burly Indian men attractive. What's wrong with that?"
Laugh, dammit!
Mr. Kadam is happily embarrassed and says that it's been a long time since a woman has found him dot dot dot burly. Can we have a single male character that doesn't flirt awkwardly with Kelsey? Please?
Then we get a description of the scene where Kelsey and Kishan fight Lokesh, which we've already read, except this time it's summarized from Mr. Kadam's point of view.
"I finally broke into the complex to find Kelsey and Kishan prostrate on the floor and Lokesh nowhere in sight. The room was full of some sort of candy."
"Jawbreakers," I added.
"How did that come about?" Nilima asked.
"I had to do something, and the Golden Fruit was the only weapon I could access, so I wished for a hailstorm of jawbreakers."
Hey, Houck, this isn't the part that I needed explained! We read this part already! This is literally just a summary of what happened two chapters ago!
Anyway, Mr. Kadam explains what they did after Kelsey got knocked out. It's not super interesting, but Ren did pull a tracking device out of his arm as they were leaving so Lokesh couldn't find them.
We also get a very weird explanation about what the Baiga were actually doing at the camp. It turns out they weren't actually using their tiger controlling powers to keep Ren in. They were using their powers to attract tigers in, so if Ren got out of Lokesh's weird torture dungeon he could have left no problem. The characters are like, "Oh, so that's how Kishan was able to get in!" because I think Houck realized that if the characters were doing what makes sense, the plan she came up with wouldn't work. But then when she changed it, she didn't realize that the entire fact that the Baiga were there in the first place makes no sense, because the only reason they could be useful is to keep Ren from escaping.
My brain hurts.
Kishan says that Lokesh has a new target now. Kelsey takes a bit to realize he's talking about her. So yeah, Lokesh is after Kelsey now because she beat him. I have no idea how they actually know this, because he left before Kelsey got conked out and didn't say anything to suggest this.
Then we get a very confusing conversation that I really didn't help with, considering my interpretation of one of Lokesh's threat two chapters ago. There's a part where Lokesh threatens to kill "him" unless Kishan lets him go. I interpreted this to mean that he was threatening to kill Kelsey, when in reality he was actually threatening to kill Ren. Kishan also interpreted this the way I did initially, so he's surprised to hear that Lokesh threatened Kelsey!Kishan with Ren's death, rather than Baiga!Kelsey's death. This only makes sense if you knew who people were disguised as ahead of time, mind you, so even if you did interpret it correctly on the first go-round, it's still confusing.
The real point of this is to make Kishan say that he may have reacted differently if he knew that Lokesh was threatening Kishan, which makes Kelsey angry that he would even consider sacrificing Ren. Mr. Kadam, weirdly, says that his first priority should have been to kill Lokesh anyway, and the fact that he stopped at all (even when he thought Kelsey's life was in danger) showed how much he Loves her. Anyway, Kishan says that he wouldn't have sacrificed Ren anyway, but I don't believe him, because Kishan sucks.
Kelsey continues the story, and reminds us that she stopped the cars with sponge cakes and the guns with beeswax. 1) We know already, 2) She never actually told us she stopped the guns when it was happening, and they weren't even using guns, they were shooting darts, 3) beeswax isn't a food, and 4) the concept web said taffy!! I wanted my stupid Looney Tunes guns!
The problem was that that [the Fruit] only worked on the guns and cars I could see. That's why Lokesh had been able to escape in his car and the men I couldn't see still had weapons that worked.
Except, no, Kelsey said two chapters ago that the reason Lokesh escaped was that she was afraid of facing him again, so she let him escape. It was kind of a big deal two chapters ago, and now that's been retconned. Editing, what's that?
Then we get a summary of what happened in the last chapter. Literally, the stuff that's earlier in this post, that's what gets summarized. This is all just filler and I'm so annoyed. Ugh.
Kelsey talks about the guy cutting his hair off and Ren arguing with Kishan about taking the Baiga girls as wives. Kishan says again that Ren wasn't the one arguing that they shouldn't. Mr. Kadam and Kishan share a Look, and they refuse to say anything. Kelsey still doesn't get that anything's wrong.
Anyway, shameless summary over, Nilima gets up to do this dishes (the Woman's Job), and Ren surprises everyone by changing into a human and offering to help her clean up. She sends him back out to talk with the others.
Kelsey apologizes for letting Ren get captured, to which Ren barely reacts. Kishan tells Kelsey that it wasn't her fault and that Ren sacrificed himself to save her and Kishan. Ren says that he doesn't remember it that way, yuk yuk.
Ren looks at Kelsey strangely, and then thanks Mr. Kadam for coming up with the plan for his rescue. Mr. Kadam says that most of it was actually Kelsey's idea, so Ren thanks Kelsey. She notes that he seems cold and distant, but still doesn't have any idea of what's wrong.
Mr. Kadam and Kishan decide to leave the room so that she and Ren can talk things out. Kishan tries to talk her out of it, and then threatens Ren in the event that he hurts her.
Kelsey gives an Oscar speech about how she knows that he needs time to heal and that she's there for whenever he needs her--she'll get him food (again, the Woman's Job) and read him Shakespeare and everything. He says that's nice of her. Kelsey takes his hand and tells him she loves him, and then kisses him. He's surprised about it.
He touched his lip and grinned. "Now that's the kind of welcome a man likes to get."
Never change, Ren.
Kelsey's happy that he seems to be back to his old self, and Ren asks if he can ask her a question.
"Of course you may," I replied.
He reached out, tugged my braid lightly, and twisted the ribbon in his fingers. "Who are you?"
NOOOO THE DREADED AMNESIA SUBPLOT
And with that, the chapter ends.
Closing Thoughts
So, yeah. Ren has amnesia. It's pretty obvious that it's from the deal he made with Durga, but Kelsey won't figure this out for an embarrassingly long time, and it's treated as a Big Reveal. That might be a spoiler, but it's so obvious that it's immediately apparent. So, it's not, really.
Next time, Chapter Twenty-Eight & Epilogue: Worst Birthday Ever & Unloved, where we finally get to finish Tiger's Quest! I can barely wait.
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