Chapter 4: Prophecy

Hello, and welcome back to our irregularly scheduled nonsense!

So, we've had an interesting development in the world of this Tiger's Curse spork.  I've finished reading book four in the series, Tiger's Destiny, to ensure that we don't have such a crazy wait after the end of, uh, this book (sorry about that, again).  Anyway, I was expecting to get a big cliffhanger--I'd read a bunch of reviews where people mentioned they couldn't wait to read the last book in the series.  What I was not expecting was that the story just ends at the end of book four.  Like, I mean Kelsey's story is over completely, and the fifth book was tacked on at the end as a cheap way of selling books associated with a semi-popular YA paranormal romance series.

I did look at reviews for the fifth book to see what on earth happened.  Apparently, even fans of the books don't even like this one.  Don't let the high rating on Amazon fool you--apparently scathing reviews calling the book "boring" and "a waste of time" and "not as good as the first four" are worth...four stars.

So, hey, we'll be done with this series much sooner than I originally thought!  We're already over halfway through the series!

(And alright, you can't really blame me for this mistake--is it that crazy to expect the first four books to be fetch quests to get the MacGuffins, and then expect the fifth book to be the climactic resolution where they get to use all of them against the Big Bad?  I mean, that would actually be relevant to the worldbuilding--there's the whole "five pillars" thing from the first fucking book where the four standing pillars had prophecies written on them, and there was a fifth pillar that had been destroyed!  Come on, it would have made perfect sense.)

What do we have to look forward to in the next book?  Well, we get an explanation of how the stupid Matt Damon amulets work, even though that explanation is also flawed for a number of reasons.  Still, all of my complaining about how Kelsey's amulet doesn't work the same way Mr. Kadam's does?  There is an answer (just not a very good one).  Also, Lokesh still makes no fucking sense.

Anyway!

Last time, Kelsey & Co. visited Phet, who gave Kelsey some advice and gave some gifts to Kishan and Ren.  Kishan got soma, which will not pay off for several hundred pages and is kind of lame, and Ren got goop rubbed into his hair, which was possibly to allow Phet to look into his head and figure out what's causing his amnesia.  It turns out that Ren is ~somehow~ blocking his own memory from coming back, which mortally offends Kelsey (EVEN THOUGH IT'S BLEEDING OBVIOUS WHAT'S GOING ON).

So, yeah.  Dumb stuff.

Chapter Four: Prophecy

We pick back up with Kelsey moping in the jungle.

The reasonable part of my brain told me that Ren most likely had a perfectly legitimate reason for purposefully forgetting me.

YEAH, BECAUSE YOU HAD A CONVERSATION ABOUT IT

And I am still sitting here, screaming silently into the void of Kelsey/Houck's brain.

Still, the fact that it seems to be Ren himself keeping them apart is wreaking havoc with Kelsey's self-esteem.  All of the fears of Ren leaving her that we were subjected to for about a hundred pages over the last couple books are being validated.

Now I knew that he deliberately wanted to forget me.  He wanted to cast me aside and had somehow found a very convenient way to do it.

Okay, seriously, does Houck think we just forgot about what happened in the last book, especially considering how much the conversation where Kelsey urged him to take Durga's deal affected her afterwards?  Because she thought he died, and was horrifically depressed until Kishan's Convenient Magical Vision showed her that Ren was alive?

None of these characters function like people.  Kelsey just doesn't remember this incredibly important conversation because otherwise, the plot wouldn't happen.  And that's just terrible writing.

Kelsey's brain is also just a weird place in general:

How nice it must be to just erase your mistake.  Pick the wrong girl?  That's okay.  Just highlight and delete.  Those pesky memories won't bother you anymore.  You could sell that pill and become a billionaire.  So many people have done things they'd like to wipe out of their memory.  To forget completely.  Expunge your memory!  Buy one, get one free!  Limited time offer!

So yeah, that's a paragraph I had to read.  I think this is supposed to be funny?  It's not.

After an hour of "feeling sorry for [her]self," Kelsey heads back into Phet's hut and asks Phet if he's sure that he can't do anything else.  Phet says there isn't, so Kelsey says that she's ready to leave, thanking Phet for his hospitality and the other gifts he gave.  Phet tells her to remember what he said about earth and water, and Kelsey says she's more like the moon.  This might seem like a bonkers statement to make, but this is just a setup for Phet to make a comment about how the moon still pulls the tides.  Which, yeah, I guess that's a nice line, but it really hinges on the setup actually making any amount of sense, which it doesn't.

Kelsey gets her stuff together and walks out of the door.  Kishan catches up to her, and she says she doesn't want to talk about it yet.  Kishan "peruses" her face, which is a super weird word to use, so that's fun.  He doesn't push the issue, but Ren--ever the ~gentleman~--walks up as a tiger and rubs up on her leg.  Kelsey walks away from him, and Kishan gives Ren a Look that makes him walk behind them a ways.

Kelsey walks until she tires herself out, so she creates a tent with the Scarf and goes to bed immediately.  She wakes up early the next morning and encounters Ren when she pokes her head out of the tent.  Ren asks if she had a nightmare, and Kelsey says that she's just awake now.  Riveting.  There's another weird description centered weirdly on the skin color of our love interest:

The flickering flames made his golden-bronze skin glow warmly.  I tried not to notice.  Why does he have to be so good-looking?

I mean, it's just a weird description because it only ever gets brought up when Kelsey lusts over the hot young love interests.  I'm not saying you can't have non-white characters (FAR FROM IT), but the way skin color only ever gets brought up so Kelsey can ogle it and comment about how hot it is reads...not great.

Kelsey asks where Kishan is, and Ren says that he's out hunting.  Kelsey asks why Ren isn't out with Kishan, and he says that he's watching over Kelsey.

"You really don't need to.  I'm a big girl.  Go hunt if you want.  In fact, you probably should.  You're still too skinny."

"Nice to know you've been looking.  I was worried you'd forgotten all about me."

God, Ren is such a dick.

This, predictably, doesn't go over well with Kelsey, who blows up at him.  Well, when I say "blows up at him," that implies that she reacts like a normal human being who gets rightfully angry at him.  Actually, Kelsey says, "You are really starting to annoy me!"  Which is a very understated reaction.

Kelsey accuses Ren of trying to get her to "profess [her] undying love" for him, which...honestly doesn't sound far from the truth.  Ren says that he's not making fun of her though, so I guess that takes care of that.  No more questions.

Kelsey's not done yelling at him, though.

"You took away everything in the world that was important to me!  You plucked out my heart, squeezed it in your hands, and gave it to the monkeys to play with."

lolwut

Anyway, Kelsey calls him a square pillow and says that she just found out that she likes round ones, calling back to her conversation with Phet from the last chapter.  She says that they aren't meant to be together and that she's giving all of the poems he wrote her back once they get back home, since he obviously didn't mean them anyway.

He stiffened.  "What do you mean?"

"I mean, they don't matter anymore.  They might as well be thrown into the fire because that's the only warmth they'll ever offer me."

Sick burn.  (Ha ha because she's talking about fire and fire burns amirite)

So, what would a normal reaction to that be?  Wouldn't it make sense for Mr. Gentleman Ren to say something like, "Of course they meant something to me," or something?  Nah, Ren's a dick:

"I don't believe you'd do it."

Ah, of course.  Escalating the situation by calling her bluff, while also insinuating that she's actually still in love with him.  What a class act.

This makes Kelsey flip the fuck out, and she grabs her journal, flips to a page with a poem from Ren on it, and rips it out.

"Kelsey."  My brown eyes met his blue ones.  "Don't."

I'm just quoting this bit because why does Kelsey call attention to their eye colors here?  It has nothing to do with the situation!  Especially when emotions are running high and Kelsey is literally threatening to burn the poem that Ren wrote for her!  This is a situation that calls for writing that evokes emotions!  Not just descriptions of eye color!

Only now that Ren's poem is in a hostage situation does Ren try to convince Kelsey that he wasn't lying when he wrote the poem.  Kelsey says that the man she knew is dead, and Ren says that he doesn't know how or why he lost his memories but that he isn't dead because he's standing right there.  Well.  Can't fault that logic.

I shook my head.  Denying his words

Hold on.

Hoo boy.  It's not quite as bad as "Sorry," Brom apologized, from Eragon, but it's up there.  Yes, Houck, shaking your head MEANS that you're saying no.  That's what your primary audience already knows what shaking your head means.

I shook my head.  Denying his words, I said, "You're dead to me," and dropped the page.  I stared at it as it spun in the air.  A tear coursed down my cheek as I watched the corner of the page catch on fire.

This is the most emo paragraph I've ever read in my life.

Ren grabs the page from the fire before it can actually burn, visibly upset.

"Were you always such a stubborn, blind, obtuse girl?"

"Are you calling me stupid?"

"Yes, but in a more poetic way!"

"You're mad at me and saying you don't love me, which must mean you're stupid.  Because any girl in her right mind would be all over me."

They argue for a bit more.  It's all pretty trite.  The gist is that Ren says Kelsey doesn't know what she isn't seeing, and Kelsey launches into a tirade that sums up the last couple of chapters pretty well--he erased her from his memories, can't be in the same room, and can't touch her.

"No, you hotheaded girl!  What you're not seeing is this!"

And then he kisses her.

It's very Stirring and Romantic because it hurts him So Much to kiss her but he does it anyway because he Loves her.

Kelsey, whose IQ is lower than a brick's, asks what he meant by kissing her.

He took a big gulp of air and leaned against the tree.  "It means that I'm starting to develop feelings for you, and if I feel them now, the likelihood of me feeling them before is pretty strong."

OR, he's pretending to love her to get her to do what he wants, which is.  Um.  Exactly what Kelsey was just accusing him of.  You're going to have to present some stronger evidence there, Ren.

Kelsey says to prove it by getting rid of the block, and Ren reiterates that he's not sure how.  He thought kissing her would have done the trick, but it didn't do anything.

"So . . . what?"  You thought you could kiss the female frog and turn her into your fairy princess?  Well, I hate to burst your bubble, but what you see is what you get!"

Yeah, so Kelsey just turned this whole situation into thinking she's ugly for no reason.  And yes, this is what she means, because Ren immediately asks why she'd think he wouldn't be interested in what he saw in her.  Because she's Hot too, but doesn't know it, which makes her relatable!

Wait, wouldn't Ren be the frog prince in this scenario?  Since he's the one trying to change from the frog, i.e. Ren with amnesia, to the prince, i.e. Ren without amnesia?  Kelsey isn't even getting the story right.  She's so stupid.  This book is so stupid.

We're still not done with this argument, though!  Kelsey says that he didn't think she was beautiful back at the house when he was talking with Kishan about how pretty Nilima is.  Ren says that just because he thinks Nilima is beautiful doesn't mean he thinks Kelsey isn't, but Kelsey's all, "Nuh uh!  The way you said it means that you think I'm not!"  It's all very juvenile and not fun to read, because these are supposed to be our strong, kind, not-at-all-obnoxious romantic leads.  This prompts Ren to say that she is beatiful, so there, neener neener.

"That train has already zoomed on by, buster, and you didn't have a ticket."

lolwut

Ren asks if there's anything he can do to fix the situation, which is a dumb question.  Kelsey repeats that she's not sure why he'd do it in the first place, which means that this entire conversation just wrapped around itself into a big circle, so it was pointless.  I guess they kissed, which is something?

"I just can't imagine why you would do this.  If you really loved me, then why would you choose this?  The most logical conclusion is that you didn't really love me.  I knew you were too good to be true."

AFDA;KJF OIDJF DJAFD ADSA;JFS;JFA'

This is one of the worst examples of an Idiot Plot I've ever seen in my entire life.  The only reason this entire conflict is happening is because Kelsey (and by extension, Houck), just can't remember that KELSEY LITERALLY TOLD HIM TO DO THIS!!!  And she doesn't have the excuse that she has amnesia!  She's just the dumbest character ever written!

Ren asks what she means, and Kelsey says that he's too perfect and she's too average.  Ren says that he isn't perfect (NO SHIT, SHERLOCK), and that Kelsey's about as average as Durga.

Huh.  This is actually foreshadowing for the next book.  It's not foreshadowing anything good, but still.

Ren tries to say that she's not the same person she was back when he said that about Nilima, which doesn't impress her.  To be fair, that's a pretty terrible excuse.

"No.  I was avoiding you.  I wasn't getting to know you.  I was--"

I ripped out another page.

Okay, the comedic timing of that line is pretty good.

Ren yells at her and takes the journal out of her hands, and Kelsey tries to grab it back.  So yeah, they're fighting over it like toddlers now.  This argument still isn't over.

Ren says that she needs to stop judging him for things that he said right when he got back when he was "traumatized."  Oh, so he was traumatized?  Which Houck immediately dismissed and then cured almost instantaneously?  Alright.  Anyway, the point is that he says that he likes her and understands how he could have loved her before.  This still isn't good enough for Kelsey, who yells that she wants the old Ren back.  Ren says that that might never happen, and that this Ren also wants her.  He says that she needs to give him more time, and Kelsey says that she would have until Phet told her that he did it to himself.

God, this conversation is like a fucking Mobius strip.

Ren quotes some more Shakespeare at her, and to his credit this one is actually relevant this time ("How poor they are that have not patience!  What wound did ever heal but by degrees?")

Kelsey yells at him that quoting Shakespeare won't work this time, and he says that he should have picked something from Taming of the Shrew, which.  Burn.  Kelsey quotes some Taming of the Shrew at him and basically tells him to get lost.

"I don't need a lesson.  I already know how it ends.  The guy wins.  'Think you a little din can daunt mine ears?'"  He crooked his finger and beckoned me closer.  "In fact, come on over here and kiss me, Kate."

I narrowed my eyes.  "You botched the line, and you'll find I'm not as easily won over as Katherine."

Now, uh, I haven't actually read or seen Taming of the Shrew, but from what I understand the whole "Petruchio and Katherine" plot is about Petruchio psychologically torturing his wife into being obedient.  Not exactly the kind of comparisons you want to draw where your male love interest kidnapped your protagonist, whisked her off into a foreign country, and tries to emotionally manipulate her into admitting that she loves him despite her vehement protests.

Ren gives up and says that Kelsey wins and tells her she can give back the poetry as long as she doesn't burn it.  Kelsey says that she'll do so if he leaves her alone until they get back home.  It's one of those Fine!  Fine!  FINE!  arguments that were fresh in maybe about the 50s.

"Fine!  And incidentally, I don't understand how I could have believed you were a warm, affectionate, and ternderhearted person!  You're obviously as prickly as a porcupine.  Any man who comes close to you will end up with a face full of quills!"

"That's right!  A girl needs some defenses from the men who want to devour her for lunch.  Especially when those men are wild tigers on the prowl looking for trouble."

Have I mentioned how terrible the dialogue in this series is?

Ren grabs her wrist and...bites it like a fucking vampire and tells her that she hasn't seen how wild he can be.  Wat.  He also calls her another name in Hindi, which translates to "lovely witch."

"Flatter gets you nowhere, and a backhanded compliment gets you less than nowhere.  I'm well versed in your verbal tricks."

This sentence has 11 highlights.  No, I don't know why.  No, I also don't know why she's talking like she's from a Victorian novel all of a sudden.

Their argument continues on for another pathetic page, and Kelsey feels sad because she misses him.  She says that he's never called her that before, and Ren asks what else he called her.  He says he probably called her a bunch of insulting words, which makes Kelsey angry again.  She tries to push him over and fails miserably, because she's just a weak woman!  Idiot, how could you expect a woman to do anything?  He laughs at her, so she "zap[s]" him.  Keep that in mind for later.  "Zaps."

"Ow!  Alright, kitten, you show me your claws, and I'll show you mine."

lolwut

Yeah, so he forcibly kisses her again.

"I knew you couldn't wait to get your hands on me."

I gasped in outrage.  "You . . . you . . . deserter!"

Um.  Just pointing something out here, but this is exactly the opposite of deserting someone.  He's anti-deserting her because he's trying to get closer to her.  I hate this fucking book.

"If by deserter, you're asking if I'll have you for dessert, I'd consider it."

Hooooo my God, Houck is making puns now, and it's just as garbage as you could imagine.

Kishan finally gets back, cutting this punishingly long conversation short.  Well, short-er, since it keeps going on for a little bit.  It's pretty boring except for the fact that Kelsey says, "Don't let the jungle hit you on the way out!"  Which is.  Horrible.

Anyway, Ren leaves in a huff and Kelsey thinks about kissing him, because Ren's really Hot.

They have another triple "fine!" argument, and Ren says that he feels bad for Kishan since he has to walk all the way back with Kelsey.  Kelsey says that Kishan will survive, and Ren eyes Kishan and says that he's sure he will, very subtly implying that Kishan is in love with Kelsey.  Which every character present knows already, and the audience knows for sure since we've been hit over the head with it for a couple hundred pages, at least.

Ren finally, finally, leaves, and Kishan says he's never seen Kelsey this angry before.  Kishan tries to calm her down, and gets her things together.  Kelsey accuses Kishan of siding with Ren for trying to diffuse the situation, and asks Kishan point blank if he loves her.

She doesn't KNOW THIS ALREADY?????

It's one of, like, two things he talks about!

Kelsey is so stupid.

Kishan says that she already knows the answer, and Kelsey tells him to kiss her if he's serious about it.  Kishan refuses because of his promise from the last book that he won't kiss her again until he's sure she's done with Ren.  Since she's so angry with him, Kishan doesn't think she's over him yet.  Kelsey flips out at him, and decides to walk back to the Jeep herself.  She tracks both of them with their tracking devices on the way back, and they each stay a respectful distance away from her.

And when I realized that I had possession of the Golden Fruit and the Scarf, I grinned wickedly thinking about the two of them starving or having to hunt.  In fact, I made myself a big ice cream cone and soothed my temper with chocolate brownie and mudslide as I walked.

Ha, remember how the Fruit is supposed to feed all of India?  And Kelsey just uses it to make ice cream out of spite?  What a great protagonist!

After a couple of hours, Kelsey meets up with Ren at the Jeep.  When he sees her walk up, he turns into a tiger and runs back off into the jungle rather than be around her, which is kind of funny.

I studiously ignored him, sank down to the dirt with my back against the Jeep, and took a long drink of sugar-free lemonade from my canteen.

How...oddly specific.  This also gives Kelsey a chance to remind us that the Fruit can't make water, which we already know and makes no sense given that lemonade is...flavored water.

Kishan shows up shortly after, and the three of them share a silent, awkward ride back to Chateau la Ren.  Kelsey takes a few hours taking a shower when they get back, which is...excessive.  Kelsey goes downstairs to greet Mr. Kadam, but Ren's also in there.  This just gives us an excuse to hear how Hot he is again, because he's changed clothes!

His hair was wet and slicked back, and he was wearing a fitted V-neck shirt in dragonfly blue over a pair of straight-legged gray herringbone designer pants.

This is simultaneously way too descriptive, and devoid of any meaning to the point that I literally cannot picture what his clothes look like.  What the hell is "dragonfly blue"?

He was barefoot, and he was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen.

The way this is put together, it looks like it's because he's barefoot that he's the most beautiful thing she'd ever seen.  Does Kelsey have a...thing for feet?

Ren folds his arms, mostly so Kelsey can describe his biceps bulging.  Because Ren is Hot.

Ren excuses himself, deliberately brushing up against her to teach her a lesson (or something?), and Mr. Kadam excitedly tells Kelsey that he's translated the prophecy.  Here it is, again broken up into stanzas by me to make it easier to read.

Lustrous gems of blazon black

Once graced her satin'd skin.

A ruthless knave her neck ransack'd;

The strand sank deep within.

Now beads hide buried in the sea;

A brave one brings them out.

Deadly monsters bite and sting--

Too horrible to rout.

But trident wield, kamandal imbibe,

And the lady who weaves the silk

Will guide and guarantee you lay

The wreath on sea of milk.

Seek dragon kings of oceans five

From cardinal compass as you dive:

Ren Dragon's stars move in astral time;

Blue Dragon's range points the way;

Green Dragon helps see through the clime;

Gold Dragon's town lies 'neath the waves;

White Dragon unlocks the door to icy lights.

Take her arms and wield them well

Her unblemish'd prize to win.

Capture the string with fluid power;

Head homeward once again.

Cool India's lands with precious dew;

River, stream, the rain will fill.

The dry land and the heart renew,

Else healing pow'r is latent still.

I'd like to remind everyone that I am not a poet, nor am I experienced with analyzing poetry.  But--and I can say this with confidence--this poem blows.  The rhyme scheme just kind of gives the fuck up about halfway through, and don't even bother trying to scan the syllables or accents.

I'm also pretty sure they meet the dragons in a different order than what we see here, because editing is for losers.

Anyway, Kelsey's shocked and scared that this quest involves dragons.  That's the end of the chapter.

Closing Thoughts

Yeah, this entire chapter was Kelsey and Ren arguing.  But, hey, we got the prophecy in chapter four!  That's way sooner than before!

Also!  Dragons!!!

Next time, Chapter 5: Preparation!  More talking about Feelings, and more training sequences.  Yaaaaay...