Chapter 8: Goa
Hello, and welcome back to our irregularly scheduled nonsense!
Last time, Kelsey & Co. regressed to Oregon-level character interaction, and we toured Ren's megayacht. That's literally it.
This time, we at least meet a somewhat more important character than Captain Dixon. He's still not that important, but he does at least contribute more than an offensive Jamaican accent.
Chapter Eight: Goa
If you remember, the plan is to sail from Mumbai around the coast of India, stopping in Goa to pick up the diving instructor so they can learn how to dive before getting to the City of Seven Pagodas. If you thought Houck could stop in a single location without sightseeing and doing general touristy things, you really haven't been keeping up with how these books go.
Anyway, we don't actually start off in Goa. Kelsey tells us what it's like sailing in the yacht, in a rare bit of actually decent description:
The breeze hit my face as the ship started to move, and I peered down into the sea as we carved through the blue-green water.
Maybe the writing in this series is warping my idea of quality, but this is a short description that doesn't go on for a whole paragraph and that actually conjures up some imagery that I like. Woo!
They'll get to Goa by tomorrow morning, and the diving instructor will meet them in the afternoon.
"We can show Kelsey the town and maybe do some shopping."
Why are they the ones showing her around when one of them has been in captivity for three hundred years, and the other one's been living in the jungle for even longer? Yeah, they're Indian, but Kelsey's more familiar with the modern world than either of them, even in India. I guess they could have had time to do some traveling while Kelsey was away in Oregon, but it looked like Ren was mostly moping around his bedroom writing sad poetry for most of the time until he joined Kelsey in America.
Kelsey says that shopping sounds fun and will give her a chance to get some souvenirs for her foster family and Jennifer from wushu class (haha remember Jennifer? Me neither!). Ren says that Nilima can arrange sending home any packages so they can't be traced by Lokesh.
"Lokesh sure has complicated our lives, hasn't he?"
Um, no. No, he hasn't. It's so difficult to swan around in a megayacht in the lap of luxury while you go shopping for swimsuits. SO HARD.
So, what are they going to do until they get to Goa? Do some research on the prophecy, train in the gym in case they have to fight anything, test out Kelsey's lightning powers in the pool (which they still haven't done)? Nah, they go watch Jaws and Jaws 2.
Both Ren and Kishan agreed that the first one was better, despite the old-time [sic] special effects.
I can't make this up. Also, Jaws barely has any special effects in it. I mean, yeah, the last scene has the shark, but the reason why Jaws is good is because it builds tension so well! Something this book could really learn because our protagonists are just marathoning movies for no reason instead of paying attention to the plot.
Also, I've mentioned this before, but referencing other media should really be used sparingly. Unless you're referencing them for a thematic reason, it's just annoying, and if your story isn't good, referencing better movies/books really doesn't do you any favors. Here, Jaws is only relevant because "lol shark" and that's not a great reason to reference it.
I guess being predators themselves made them less afraid of other predators.
Does Houck know that predators can get hunted by other predators?
Hey, are you interested in what they eat for dinner? No?
We joined Mr. Kadam and Nilima at the outdoor dining area where a seafood buffet awaited: candied teriyaki salmon drizzled with scallion butter, honey-orange scallops, crunchy shrimp with spicy cocktail dip, lobster-stuffed mushrooms, crab cakes with lemon cream sauce, salad, rolls, and virgin mango berry daiquiris.
Because GOD FORBID going on an epic magical quest makes you unable to have five-star meals. Seriously, what's the point of just listing the food off in a list? We don't hear Kelsey's thoughts about it! It's just words on a page that accomplish nothing!
The sun was hot, and I appreciated the shady canopy that had been rolled out to cover us.
Thanks, Kelsey, for sharing that the sun is hot. Stupid.
After a quip about the boys eating a lot (DO YOU THINK THIS JOKE IS FUNNY YET???) Kelsey goes to her room and soaks in her Jacuzzi bath, just in case you somehow forgot they were on an ostentatious megayacht. She finds a poem on her bed, and the only important thing to mention is that it's about love and it references the ocean! Because they're on a boat! Do you get it? It's all very subtle.
Ren's actually still in the room, which means he left the poem on her bed and waited for her to pick it up and read it in order to surprise her, instead of acting like a normal person. He opens a door Kelsey hadn't had the opportunity to try yet, and it leads into his room. He says that Kishan only let him take it because he can't touch Kelsey anyway, which is pretty funny. In a weirdly possessive way. Since she's, you know, not dating Kishan.
Anyway, Ren only brings this up because he's hoping he can sleep in Kelsey's room instead of his, since he's able to be around her as a tiger. He flirts with her and goes into her closet to change into some pajamas. He says he likes them, and she says that he was the one who gave them to her.
"I did? When?"
Why is Ren still surprised about the fact that he was in a relationship with Kelsey before? He's an amnesiac, not brain-dead.
He tucks her into bed, and Kelsey complains to us about how haaard it is to fall asleep on a boat, so Ren climbs in bed with her as a tiger and starts purring (which is, again, anatomically impossible for tigers to do). This makes her happy so she falls asleep.
The next morning, Kelsey wakes up in Ren's arms. She immediately tries to get away from him, but he says he only just turned into a human before she woke up. He says that they've docked already so now it's time to go ashore and start shopping! Ren strokes her hair for a bit, and Kelsey reminisces about how he used to do that before.
Ren laughed "I imagine I did. I love your hair."
"Really? It's just plain old boring brown. Nothing special. Nilima's got beautiful hair. Ebony. Very exotic."
Stop describing this as "exotic," I hate it! Also, um, if she's Indian, and they're in India, it's not exactly "exotic," now, is it?
He says that he likes her hair however she wears it. Ren has a real complex about Kelsey's hair, as we'll see later on in this book.
"You like it braided?"
"I like playing with the ribbons, and every time you wear braids I'm tempted to undo them."
Ah, so he acts like a hyperactive five-year-old who likes to terrorize all the little girls in preschool. Gotcha.
I laughed. "Ah, now that makes sense. On several occasions, you tugged the ribbons out of my hair and pulled out my braids. Now I know why. You have a braid fetish."
This is a weird line in a series that won't say the word "sex."
I wouldn't have a problem with it if it fit in with the tone! Like, I absolutely hated the Marked series (which is, uh, another bad Twilight ripoff) but it wouldn't be massively jarring if the characters had conversations about braid fetishes because they actually talked about sex!
(Unrelated, but the love interest in that series is introduced mid-blow job, which is a hell of an introduction. Like, the series is absolutely not well-written, but it's a definite Statement about how shameless the series is about any sexual content. Which gets really weird when you realize the authors are a mother/daughter team. Ick.)
Ren asks if she's ready to get up and go shopping (literally, he asks if she wants to go shopping), and she says she'd rather stay in bed with him. That's the perfect moment for her anti-Ren aura to kick in and he says he has to get up. I'm just imagining an AU where he's completely making up the "I can't be in the same room with you for long" thing and he's just looking for an excuse to get away from her, which is much more entertaining.
I've been skimming past a lot of the flirtatious dialogue in the series because it never actually leads to anything, but here's an example of what you're missing:
"I think the universe is conspiring against me."
"How so?" I stretched and rolled over to look at him while bunching my pillow under my cheek.
"Because I can enjoy your warm, beautiful self, all sleepy and cuddly in silky pajamas only from a distance. Do you have any idea how extremely tempting you are? I am very, very glad that Kishan's door is not connected to yours."
So, you're welcome for sparing you much more of that. No one talks like that.
Later that day, Ren and Kishan meet up with Kelsey to go into town. They're not taking the Jeep--
"No," Ren said. "We're taking these." He lifted a tarp to uncover two powerful racing motorcycles.
Why did they bring motorcycles with them? What purpose could they possibly serve other than showing off how fabulously rich they are, WHICH WE ALREADY KNOW BECAUSE HOUCK WON'T STOP BASHING US OVER THE HEAD WITH MANSIONS AND PRIVATE JETS AND MEGAYACHTS?
Kishan says that they got them a little after she left for Oregon and they know how to ride them, so it's safe.
Houck decides to gush about how Awesome the motorcycles are for a bit. They look like they're from a James Bond movie (and maybe it's just me, but motorcycles aren't exactly the first vehicle I picture when I think "James Bond"), and Kelsey notes that they're Ducati bikes. Ren's, inevitably, is blue. Because he has blue eyes! I know I base all of my purchases off of what color my eyes are.
Kelsey calls them out on how much money they spend on things again, and either Ren or Kishan blows her off. It's impossible to tell, because Ren and Kishan's dialogue is essentially identical and requires a dialogue tag to differentiate, which Houck forgot to include.
"You're exaggerating, Kells."
"I don't think so. Have you guys even heard of the word budget?"
Kishan shrugged. "We lived with nothing for centuries. Time to make up for it."
He had a point, so I let it go.
There's a difference between splurging when it makes sense to do so, and bringing along unnecessary time-wasting nonsense on a dangerous adventure just because. Also, it's because Houck wanted Kelsey to be spoiled absolutely rotten, and also because I think she's a bit of a gold digger.
Ren and Kishan put on some identical, color-coordinated leather jackets to go with the motorcycles, which is extremely corny in a way that I don't think that Houck intended. Kelsey salivates over how Hot they are.
Wow. I didn't think it was possible for him to look any more intoxicating than he already did. But a leather-clad Ren, helmet in hand, standing next to the gorgeous racing motorcycle made my brain go numb.
This book is making my brain go numb.
It doesn't stop there!
It was a this-is-your-brain-on-drugs moment.
This makes absolutely no sense, because this is a reference to an anti-drug commercial where it compares your brain on drugs to a fried egg, which has nothing to do with your brain being numb.
Well, a this-is-your-brain-on-seeing-Ren-in-tight-leather moment anyway.
Missing comma before "anyway" and all! Glad to see we're getting a "Ren in leather pants" moment.
We're still not done!
If the Ducati Company [why is "Company" capitalized here??] was smart, they would have used him in a commercial and given him the bikes for free.
So, yeah, I guess Kelsey has a leather fetish. Hey, if Houck's allowed to say it, so am I.
Ren offers a ride to Kelsey, and Kishan says that it makes more sense for her to ride with him. Kelsey agrees with Kishan, since she's scared of getting into an accident. Ren, being a dick, warns Kelsey that Ren likes to take turns dangerously, in what I can only assume to be a strategy to make her change her mind and ride with him anyway. Or to punish her for daring to disagree with him. What a gentleman!
So they take off towards the town! This would be a good time for Kelsey to describe what it feels like to be on a motorcycle, and really make the reader see what it's like--what the wind feels like through her hair, the drop in her stomach as they take a sharp turn, the giddy excitement of going as fast as possible with nothing between them and the road but a powerful engine. But no, all she says is that it's scary at first but she starts to have fun and they race for a bit. It's boring.
They eventually hit up Goa for a bit, and Houck shows off that she knows what Indian food is called. She buys various souvenirs for her foster family, and it's all very boring. Kelsey mentions that she forgot to pack a swimsuit. UM, HOW? YOU FORGOT TO PACK A SWIMSUIT IN YOUR WATER-THEMED QUEST?? Ren says they'll buy her one. Kelsey says they can just use the Scarf, but Ren points out that it can't make synthetic fibers like spandex, but he's perfectly happy if it just makes her a thin cotton suit to wear. So Kelsey agrees to buy a swimsuit. Comedy! Because boobs!
So Ren and Kishan spend the next page arguing about whether she should wear a bikini and what color it should be.
They rejected my own preference for a basic black suit, saying my choices were boring.
I would be so pissed off if I were in this position. I'm getting worked up about it just reading this scene. Maybe it's because I absolutely hate being told what to do, ever, but if someone literally said that I couldn't choose what I'm wearing, all hell would break loose. And we're supposed to think this is endearing!
Just, ARGH, I hate this so much.
On the way back, Kelsey enjoys holding onto Kishan because he's Hot too. She feels awkward when they get back, though. They all decide to get changed and meet at the pool in ten minutes, but when she arrives there's already someone swimming laps.
It's the diving instructor! Guess he's already making himself at home. His name is Wes and he's cute. He also immediately starts flirting with Kelsey.
Look. It's not the flirting itself I have a problem with. It's the fact that every male character does it. And then Kelsey still has the nerve to whine about how plain she is when every male character constantly waxes poetic about how beautiful she is.
"Nice to meet you too. This is some boat you got here."
"Oh, it's not mine. I'm just along for the ride."
"Ah." He smiled easily. "Daughter, niece, granddaughter, cousin, or girlfriend? And please don't say girlfriend." He laughed.
I laughed with him. "I guess I'm probably a little bit of all of those."
"I was afraid of that. I never get the gigs where the beautiful girl is available. But only a little bit of a girlfriend gives me some room to maneuver."
So, yeah. Looks like Ren's got some competition.
Wes also sucks.
"In case you were wondering and were too darn polite to ask, I'm your diving instructor."
"Yeah, I figured that out on my own."
He raised his eyebrows. "Oh, look out! This girl's got a sense of humor. I like that. Most of the beautiful girls I meet don't have much going on in the brain department."
Ughhh. "You're not like those other girls, you're special!"
Kelsey ogles him a bit, and says that he's blond, tan, has blue eyes, and is American. I have no idea why the fact that he's American is included in the list of things that makes him cute, but there you go.
Kesley asks where he's from, and he says he's from Texas.
"How does a guy from Texas end up in India giving diving lessons?"
Yeah, that's a good question, actually! I don't know what diving in India is like, but most rich Americans go to, like, tropical islands to dive. And it's gotta be pretty pricy to have on-site diving instruction for beginners, since it's way more common to get certified to dive, uh, before you go on your very expensive diving trip. So it's probably only the really rich people who decide to splurge on hiring an instructor on their trip, but I don't know how likely it is for a person's first diving trip to be in India.
Wes exposits that he's supposed to be at Harvard but likes diving more than college, and his parent's can't annoy him in India. Ah. So he's also an entitled brat.
He starts to ask her how a girl from Oregon ended up here, but they're interrupted by Ren and Kishan angrily stomping up to the pool, because how dare Kelsey have a single conversation with a person having a Y chromosome while neither of her boyfriends are present. Ick.
"
Wes, as a side character in a trasy YA paranormal romance book, is allowed to have one character trait. His is "Texan." He kicks his accent up a notch whenever he wants to be annoying. It's also written in bad dialect.
"I was just gettin' acquainted with yur pretty little filly here. I sure thank ya for the opportunity to hitch a ride. I'll jus mosey on off to my bunk and let y'all enjoy yur swim. We'll start the lessons at the crack o'dawn of that'll be alright with all y'all. Well, I'd better get to gett'n." Wes rubbed his stomach. "I hope we're fixin' ta eat soon. I'm startin' to feel all catawampus in the bread basket--I like to eat a whole hog--if you know what I mean." He grinned at both boys then turned to me. "Why it sure was nice making your acquaintance, ma'am. I hope ta see ya again real soon."
Once again with Houck making characters speak in entire paragraphs, which is not how conversations work. And yes, I understand that this is supposed to be a joke--Wes is affecting an outrageous accent to annoy Ren and Kishan. But the accent that's intended to be over-the-top as a joke is LESS INSANE than the ACTUAL DIALECT HOUCK USES FOR PHET AND CAPTAIN DIXON, which are SUPPOSED TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. That's not good!
Wes saunters off, and Kelsey refers to him as the "teasing Texan" in her narration, which I hate intensely. If the characters already know his name, there's no point to describing him with an epithet, especially one so cutesy and annoying.
Ren and Kishan immediately say that they don't like him, and Kelsey defends him by saying that he's fun.
"I don't like the way he was looking at you," Ren said.
I sighed. "You don't like the way any guy looks at me."
DING DING DING this isn't normal! It also makes it look like Ren doesn't trust Kelsey enough to not cheat on him with any guy who breathes in her general direction, which just isn't a healthy relationship dynamic. But Houck wants us to think it's endearing.
"I agree with Ren. He's up to something."
I want you to keep this in mind for later. Just put a pin in that.
Ren says that they should have gotten her a swimsuit that covered more of her skin, and Kelsey tells him to shut up. Then they swim for a bit, which we mercifully don't have to read about.
Scene break! It's dinner time. Wes sits next to Kelsey, much to the annoyance of Ren and Kishan, and he tells her lots of cowboy jokes that only she understands. He puts his arm around her, and one of the two tigers--Kelsey isn't sure which one--literally growls at him. Kelsey realizes that if she wants Wes to survive the night she'll have to extract herself from the situation, and says that she's heading to bed.
"Right you are. And I'm expectin' ta see ya bright-eyed and bushytailed come dawn."
I laughed and quipped, "How about I'll be bright-eyed and the boys will be bushy-tailed?"
Oof. Houck uses both "bushytailed" and "bushy-tailed" which is inconsistent. Because this book was edited by monkeys. Also, she's telling Wes this joke, who has no chance of understanding what the hell she's talking about. Kishan says he'll walk her back to her room, and Ren says, "Nuh uh, I'll walk her back," because he's a toddler.
I rolled my eyes and heard Wes give a long whistle. "I'd say there's a few too many bulls in the pasture. Best see to it a pretty little heifer like yourself doesn't get trampled."
Did he just call her a cow?
Kelsey affects a Texan accent and says that she can take care of herself and goes off to bed. That's, uh, that's the end of the chapter.
Closing Thoughts
So we finally met the diving instructor we've been teasing for the whole book! He's kind of interesting, I guess. Mostly because half of what he does in this chapter is try to annoy Ren and Kishan, which I will always support. But the other half of his actions are just outrageous flirting. So he still kind of sucks.
Now, normally, this is where I'd talk about something related to writing, or highlight a particular part of the chapter that was really dumb. But I looked up Wes on the Tiger's Curse Wiki to make sure I wasn't forgetting something about him. And someone, like, vandalized the page, and it's just really funny to me. Here's the "appearance" section:
Dickbutt isn't quite full of himself, yet he likes to show off to the "ladies." Well, doesn't that drive Ren and Kishan nuts! Wes is tan, with dirty blonde hair. He usually wears either the diving attire and your average Texan / Californian getup. Since he swims so much, he should smell like the ocean. He has a Texan accent, but when Ren or Kishan is around, he turns into a total cowboy!
I think that's just delightful.
Next time, Chapter Nine: Diving Lessons! Houck shows off that she did research about how SCUBA diving works for an entire chapter.
Last time, Kelsey & Co. regressed to Oregon-level character interaction, and we toured Ren's megayacht. That's literally it.
This time, we at least meet a somewhat more important character than Captain Dixon. He's still not that important, but he does at least contribute more than an offensive Jamaican accent.
Chapter Eight: Goa
If you remember, the plan is to sail from Mumbai around the coast of India, stopping in Goa to pick up the diving instructor so they can learn how to dive before getting to the City of Seven Pagodas. If you thought Houck could stop in a single location without sightseeing and doing general touristy things, you really haven't been keeping up with how these books go.
Anyway, we don't actually start off in Goa. Kelsey tells us what it's like sailing in the yacht, in a rare bit of actually decent description:
The breeze hit my face as the ship started to move, and I peered down into the sea as we carved through the blue-green water.
Maybe the writing in this series is warping my idea of quality, but this is a short description that doesn't go on for a whole paragraph and that actually conjures up some imagery that I like. Woo!
They'll get to Goa by tomorrow morning, and the diving instructor will meet them in the afternoon.
"We can show Kelsey the town and maybe do some shopping."
Why are they the ones showing her around when one of them has been in captivity for three hundred years, and the other one's been living in the jungle for even longer? Yeah, they're Indian, but Kelsey's more familiar with the modern world than either of them, even in India. I guess they could have had time to do some traveling while Kelsey was away in Oregon, but it looked like Ren was mostly moping around his bedroom writing sad poetry for most of the time until he joined Kelsey in America.
Kelsey says that shopping sounds fun and will give her a chance to get some souvenirs for her foster family and Jennifer from wushu class (haha remember Jennifer? Me neither!). Ren says that Nilima can arrange sending home any packages so they can't be traced by Lokesh.
"Lokesh sure has complicated our lives, hasn't he?"
Um, no. No, he hasn't. It's so difficult to swan around in a megayacht in the lap of luxury while you go shopping for swimsuits. SO HARD.
So, what are they going to do until they get to Goa? Do some research on the prophecy, train in the gym in case they have to fight anything, test out Kelsey's lightning powers in the pool (which they still haven't done)? Nah, they go watch Jaws and Jaws 2.
Both Ren and Kishan agreed that the first one was better, despite the old-time [sic] special effects.
I can't make this up. Also, Jaws barely has any special effects in it. I mean, yeah, the last scene has the shark, but the reason why Jaws is good is because it builds tension so well! Something this book could really learn because our protagonists are just marathoning movies for no reason instead of paying attention to the plot.
Also, I've mentioned this before, but referencing other media should really be used sparingly. Unless you're referencing them for a thematic reason, it's just annoying, and if your story isn't good, referencing better movies/books really doesn't do you any favors. Here, Jaws is only relevant because "lol shark" and that's not a great reason to reference it.
I guess being predators themselves made them less afraid of other predators.
Does Houck know that predators can get hunted by other predators?
Hey, are you interested in what they eat for dinner? No?
We joined Mr. Kadam and Nilima at the outdoor dining area where a seafood buffet awaited: candied teriyaki salmon drizzled with scallion butter, honey-orange scallops, crunchy shrimp with spicy cocktail dip, lobster-stuffed mushrooms, crab cakes with lemon cream sauce, salad, rolls, and virgin mango berry daiquiris.
Because GOD FORBID going on an epic magical quest makes you unable to have five-star meals. Seriously, what's the point of just listing the food off in a list? We don't hear Kelsey's thoughts about it! It's just words on a page that accomplish nothing!
The sun was hot, and I appreciated the shady canopy that had been rolled out to cover us.
Thanks, Kelsey, for sharing that the sun is hot. Stupid.
After a quip about the boys eating a lot (DO YOU THINK THIS JOKE IS FUNNY YET???) Kelsey goes to her room and soaks in her Jacuzzi bath, just in case you somehow forgot they were on an ostentatious megayacht. She finds a poem on her bed, and the only important thing to mention is that it's about love and it references the ocean! Because they're on a boat! Do you get it? It's all very subtle.
Ren's actually still in the room, which means he left the poem on her bed and waited for her to pick it up and read it in order to surprise her, instead of acting like a normal person. He opens a door Kelsey hadn't had the opportunity to try yet, and it leads into his room. He says that Kishan only let him take it because he can't touch Kelsey anyway, which is pretty funny. In a weirdly possessive way. Since she's, you know, not dating Kishan.
Anyway, Ren only brings this up because he's hoping he can sleep in Kelsey's room instead of his, since he's able to be around her as a tiger. He flirts with her and goes into her closet to change into some pajamas. He says he likes them, and she says that he was the one who gave them to her.
"I did? When?"
Why is Ren still surprised about the fact that he was in a relationship with Kelsey before? He's an amnesiac, not brain-dead.
He tucks her into bed, and Kelsey complains to us about how haaard it is to fall asleep on a boat, so Ren climbs in bed with her as a tiger and starts purring (which is, again, anatomically impossible for tigers to do). This makes her happy so she falls asleep.
The next morning, Kelsey wakes up in Ren's arms. She immediately tries to get away from him, but he says he only just turned into a human before she woke up. He says that they've docked already so now it's time to go ashore and start shopping! Ren strokes her hair for a bit, and Kelsey reminisces about how he used to do that before.
Ren laughed "I imagine I did. I love your hair."
"Really? It's just plain old boring brown. Nothing special. Nilima's got beautiful hair. Ebony. Very exotic."
Stop describing this as "exotic," I hate it! Also, um, if she's Indian, and they're in India, it's not exactly "exotic," now, is it?
He says that he likes her hair however she wears it. Ren has a real complex about Kelsey's hair, as we'll see later on in this book.
"You like it braided?"
"I like playing with the ribbons, and every time you wear braids I'm tempted to undo them."
Ah, so he acts like a hyperactive five-year-old who likes to terrorize all the little girls in preschool. Gotcha.
I laughed. "Ah, now that makes sense. On several occasions, you tugged the ribbons out of my hair and pulled out my braids. Now I know why. You have a braid fetish."
This is a weird line in a series that won't say the word "sex."
I wouldn't have a problem with it if it fit in with the tone! Like, I absolutely hated the Marked series (which is, uh, another bad Twilight ripoff) but it wouldn't be massively jarring if the characters had conversations about braid fetishes because they actually talked about sex!
(Unrelated, but the love interest in that series is introduced mid-blow job, which is a hell of an introduction. Like, the series is absolutely not well-written, but it's a definite Statement about how shameless the series is about any sexual content. Which gets really weird when you realize the authors are a mother/daughter team. Ick.)
Ren asks if she's ready to get up and go shopping (literally, he asks if she wants to go shopping), and she says she'd rather stay in bed with him. That's the perfect moment for her anti-Ren aura to kick in and he says he has to get up. I'm just imagining an AU where he's completely making up the "I can't be in the same room with you for long" thing and he's just looking for an excuse to get away from her, which is much more entertaining.
I've been skimming past a lot of the flirtatious dialogue in the series because it never actually leads to anything, but here's an example of what you're missing:
"I think the universe is conspiring against me."
"How so?" I stretched and rolled over to look at him while bunching my pillow under my cheek.
"Because I can enjoy your warm, beautiful self, all sleepy and cuddly in silky pajamas only from a distance. Do you have any idea how extremely tempting you are? I am very, very glad that Kishan's door is not connected to yours."
So, you're welcome for sparing you much more of that. No one talks like that.
Later that day, Ren and Kishan meet up with Kelsey to go into town. They're not taking the Jeep--
"No," Ren said. "We're taking these." He lifted a tarp to uncover two powerful racing motorcycles.
Why did they bring motorcycles with them? What purpose could they possibly serve other than showing off how fabulously rich they are, WHICH WE ALREADY KNOW BECAUSE HOUCK WON'T STOP BASHING US OVER THE HEAD WITH MANSIONS AND PRIVATE JETS AND MEGAYACHTS?
Kishan says that they got them a little after she left for Oregon and they know how to ride them, so it's safe.
Houck decides to gush about how Awesome the motorcycles are for a bit. They look like they're from a James Bond movie (and maybe it's just me, but motorcycles aren't exactly the first vehicle I picture when I think "James Bond"), and Kelsey notes that they're Ducati bikes. Ren's, inevitably, is blue. Because he has blue eyes! I know I base all of my purchases off of what color my eyes are.
Kelsey calls them out on how much money they spend on things again, and either Ren or Kishan blows her off. It's impossible to tell, because Ren and Kishan's dialogue is essentially identical and requires a dialogue tag to differentiate, which Houck forgot to include.
"You're exaggerating, Kells."
"I don't think so. Have you guys even heard of the word budget?"
Kishan shrugged. "We lived with nothing for centuries. Time to make up for it."
He had a point, so I let it go.
There's a difference between splurging when it makes sense to do so, and bringing along unnecessary time-wasting nonsense on a dangerous adventure just because. Also, it's because Houck wanted Kelsey to be spoiled absolutely rotten, and also because I think she's a bit of a gold digger.
Ren and Kishan put on some identical, color-coordinated leather jackets to go with the motorcycles, which is extremely corny in a way that I don't think that Houck intended. Kelsey salivates over how Hot they are.
Wow. I didn't think it was possible for him to look any more intoxicating than he already did. But a leather-clad Ren, helmet in hand, standing next to the gorgeous racing motorcycle made my brain go numb.
This book is making my brain go numb.
It doesn't stop there!
It was a this-is-your-brain-on-drugs moment.
This makes absolutely no sense, because this is a reference to an anti-drug commercial where it compares your brain on drugs to a fried egg, which has nothing to do with your brain being numb.
Well, a this-is-your-brain-on-seeing-Ren-in-tight-leather moment anyway.
Missing comma before "anyway" and all! Glad to see we're getting a "Ren in leather pants" moment.
We're still not done!
If the Ducati Company [why is "Company" capitalized here??] was smart, they would have used him in a commercial and given him the bikes for free.
So, yeah, I guess Kelsey has a leather fetish. Hey, if Houck's allowed to say it, so am I.
Ren offers a ride to Kelsey, and Kishan says that it makes more sense for her to ride with him. Kelsey agrees with Kishan, since she's scared of getting into an accident. Ren, being a dick, warns Kelsey that Ren likes to take turns dangerously, in what I can only assume to be a strategy to make her change her mind and ride with him anyway. Or to punish her for daring to disagree with him. What a gentleman!
So they take off towards the town! This would be a good time for Kelsey to describe what it feels like to be on a motorcycle, and really make the reader see what it's like--what the wind feels like through her hair, the drop in her stomach as they take a sharp turn, the giddy excitement of going as fast as possible with nothing between them and the road but a powerful engine. But no, all she says is that it's scary at first but she starts to have fun and they race for a bit. It's boring.
They eventually hit up Goa for a bit, and Houck shows off that she knows what Indian food is called. She buys various souvenirs for her foster family, and it's all very boring. Kelsey mentions that she forgot to pack a swimsuit. UM, HOW? YOU FORGOT TO PACK A SWIMSUIT IN YOUR WATER-THEMED QUEST?? Ren says they'll buy her one. Kelsey says they can just use the Scarf, but Ren points out that it can't make synthetic fibers like spandex, but he's perfectly happy if it just makes her a thin cotton suit to wear. So Kelsey agrees to buy a swimsuit. Comedy! Because boobs!
So Ren and Kishan spend the next page arguing about whether she should wear a bikini and what color it should be.
They rejected my own preference for a basic black suit, saying my choices were boring.
I would be so pissed off if I were in this position. I'm getting worked up about it just reading this scene. Maybe it's because I absolutely hate being told what to do, ever, but if someone literally said that I couldn't choose what I'm wearing, all hell would break loose. And we're supposed to think this is endearing!
Just, ARGH, I hate this so much.
On the way back, Kelsey enjoys holding onto Kishan because he's Hot too. She feels awkward when they get back, though. They all decide to get changed and meet at the pool in ten minutes, but when she arrives there's already someone swimming laps.
It's the diving instructor! Guess he's already making himself at home. His name is Wes and he's cute. He also immediately starts flirting with Kelsey.
Look. It's not the flirting itself I have a problem with. It's the fact that every male character does it. And then Kelsey still has the nerve to whine about how plain she is when every male character constantly waxes poetic about how beautiful she is.
"Nice to meet you too. This is some boat you got here."
"Oh, it's not mine. I'm just along for the ride."
"Ah." He smiled easily. "Daughter, niece, granddaughter, cousin, or girlfriend? And please don't say girlfriend." He laughed.
I laughed with him. "I guess I'm probably a little bit of all of those."
"I was afraid of that. I never get the gigs where the beautiful girl is available. But only a little bit of a girlfriend gives me some room to maneuver."
So, yeah. Looks like Ren's got some competition.
Wes also sucks.
"In case you were wondering and were too darn polite to ask, I'm your diving instructor."
"Yeah, I figured that out on my own."
He raised his eyebrows. "Oh, look out! This girl's got a sense of humor. I like that. Most of the beautiful girls I meet don't have much going on in the brain department."
Ughhh. "You're not like those other girls, you're special!"
Kelsey ogles him a bit, and says that he's blond, tan, has blue eyes, and is American. I have no idea why the fact that he's American is included in the list of things that makes him cute, but there you go.
Kesley asks where he's from, and he says he's from Texas.
"How does a guy from Texas end up in India giving diving lessons?"
Yeah, that's a good question, actually! I don't know what diving in India is like, but most rich Americans go to, like, tropical islands to dive. And it's gotta be pretty pricy to have on-site diving instruction for beginners, since it's way more common to get certified to dive, uh, before you go on your very expensive diving trip. So it's probably only the really rich people who decide to splurge on hiring an instructor on their trip, but I don't know how likely it is for a person's first diving trip to be in India.
Wes exposits that he's supposed to be at Harvard but likes diving more than college, and his parent's can't annoy him in India. Ah. So he's also an entitled brat.
He starts to ask her how a girl from Oregon ended up here, but they're interrupted by Ren and Kishan angrily stomping up to the pool, because how dare Kelsey have a single conversation with a person having a Y chromosome while neither of her boyfriends are present. Ick.
"
Wes, as a side character in a trasy YA paranormal romance book, is allowed to have one character trait. His is "Texan." He kicks his accent up a notch whenever he wants to be annoying. It's also written in bad dialect.
"I was just gettin' acquainted with yur pretty little filly here. I sure thank ya for the opportunity to hitch a ride. I'll jus mosey on off to my bunk and let y'all enjoy yur swim. We'll start the lessons at the crack o'dawn of that'll be alright with all y'all. Well, I'd better get to gett'n." Wes rubbed his stomach. "I hope we're fixin' ta eat soon. I'm startin' to feel all catawampus in the bread basket--I like to eat a whole hog--if you know what I mean." He grinned at both boys then turned to me. "Why it sure was nice making your acquaintance, ma'am. I hope ta see ya again real soon."
Once again with Houck making characters speak in entire paragraphs, which is not how conversations work. And yes, I understand that this is supposed to be a joke--Wes is affecting an outrageous accent to annoy Ren and Kishan. But the accent that's intended to be over-the-top as a joke is LESS INSANE than the ACTUAL DIALECT HOUCK USES FOR PHET AND CAPTAIN DIXON, which are SUPPOSED TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. That's not good!
Wes saunters off, and Kelsey refers to him as the "teasing Texan" in her narration, which I hate intensely. If the characters already know his name, there's no point to describing him with an epithet, especially one so cutesy and annoying.
Ren and Kishan immediately say that they don't like him, and Kelsey defends him by saying that he's fun.
"I don't like the way he was looking at you," Ren said.
I sighed. "You don't like the way any guy looks at me."
DING DING DING this isn't normal! It also makes it look like Ren doesn't trust Kelsey enough to not cheat on him with any guy who breathes in her general direction, which just isn't a healthy relationship dynamic. But Houck wants us to think it's endearing.
"I agree with Ren. He's up to something."
I want you to keep this in mind for later. Just put a pin in that.
Ren says that they should have gotten her a swimsuit that covered more of her skin, and Kelsey tells him to shut up. Then they swim for a bit, which we mercifully don't have to read about.
Scene break! It's dinner time. Wes sits next to Kelsey, much to the annoyance of Ren and Kishan, and he tells her lots of cowboy jokes that only she understands. He puts his arm around her, and one of the two tigers--Kelsey isn't sure which one--literally growls at him. Kelsey realizes that if she wants Wes to survive the night she'll have to extract herself from the situation, and says that she's heading to bed.
"Right you are. And I'm expectin' ta see ya bright-eyed and bushytailed come dawn."
I laughed and quipped, "How about I'll be bright-eyed and the boys will be bushy-tailed?"
Oof. Houck uses both "bushytailed" and "bushy-tailed" which is inconsistent. Because this book was edited by monkeys. Also, she's telling Wes this joke, who has no chance of understanding what the hell she's talking about. Kishan says he'll walk her back to her room, and Ren says, "Nuh uh, I'll walk her back," because he's a toddler.
I rolled my eyes and heard Wes give a long whistle. "I'd say there's a few too many bulls in the pasture. Best see to it a pretty little heifer like yourself doesn't get trampled."
Did he just call her a cow?
Kelsey affects a Texan accent and says that she can take care of herself and goes off to bed. That's, uh, that's the end of the chapter.
Closing Thoughts
So we finally met the diving instructor we've been teasing for the whole book! He's kind of interesting, I guess. Mostly because half of what he does in this chapter is try to annoy Ren and Kishan, which I will always support. But the other half of his actions are just outrageous flirting. So he still kind of sucks.
Now, normally, this is where I'd talk about something related to writing, or highlight a particular part of the chapter that was really dumb. But I looked up Wes on the Tiger's Curse Wiki to make sure I wasn't forgetting something about him. And someone, like, vandalized the page, and it's just really funny to me. Here's the "appearance" section:
Dickbutt isn't quite full of himself, yet he likes to show off to the "ladies." Well, doesn't that drive Ren and Kishan nuts! Wes is tan, with dirty blonde hair. He usually wears either the diving attire and your average Texan / Californian getup. Since he swims so much, he should smell like the ocean. He has a Texan accent, but when Ren or Kishan is around, he turns into a total cowboy!
I think that's just delightful.
Next time, Chapter Nine: Diving Lessons! Houck shows off that she did research about how SCUBA diving works for an entire chapter.
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