Chapter 9: Diving Lessons
Hello, and welcome back to our irregularly scheduled nonsense!
Last time, Kelsey got to flirt with three hot guys all vying for her attention at once, she bought a cute new swimsuit, and we met an outrageous Texan accent in the form of a diving instructor. This time, Houck shows off that she did some research on how diving works, and this research takes up the majority of the chapter. Joy.
Chapter Nine: Diving Lessons
Kelsey wakes up to a poem on the pillow next to her. It's about how she's the moon and Ren is the sea, and it's very Romantic. Instead of letting some actually subtle bit of symbolism stand for once, Kelsey immediately explains how much it applies to the current situation:
I'd told Phet I was like the moon. Maybe the universe was trying to tell me that I belonged with Ren. It was an accurate comparison. The moon and the sea were destined to affect one another but were never able to touch.
You know, the whole point of a literary allusion is to draw comparisons without explicitly telling your audience exactly what those are. Have some faith in your audience.
Kelsey realizes that she's late and runs down to the pool to meet Wes, but she's also the first person to show up, so that's a nice bit of inconsistency. She notices that Wes's outrageous accent is gone, and he tells her that he exaggerates it to placate "overprotective fathers or jealous boyfriends" as well as get dates and get better grades in college (wat). Although it seems there's a bit more to Wes than meets the eye if he can fake stuff like this so easily. Hmm.
He says that it's a wonder Ren and Kishan haven't killed each other yet because they're so overbearing about her, and Kelsey warns him that all that attention is on him now. They're interrupted by Ren and Kishan showing up to the pool, so Wes's accent takes over again.
"Well, good mornin', fellers. Looks like Kelsey wins the award for early riser. And doesn't she look purtier than a pat of butter meltin' all over a stack of griddle cakes?"
Wes sucks. Also, pretty sure he just called her fat, since that's what butter is. First she's a cow, now she's butter?
Wes starts teaching them about diving. He's full of very useful information like this:
"There are two barriers that prevent humans from diving. The first is we don't have gills."
No shit.
Actually, that line exists so he can say more "Texan" things.
"And if you ever do find a man with gills you can fry me up, call me a catfish, and serve me with hushpuppies."
It says a lot when Sandy Cheeks is less of a stereotype than Wes. And she's a literal cartoon character.
Anyway, he does actually give some valuable information, and says that the big problem is the amount of pressure the water puts on your lungs, so the diving equipment is designed to counteract some of the pressure so they can actually breathe. He still can't help himself but say stupid things though.
"Sure as shootin', they'd pop like a smoked sausage left too long on the barbeque."
So there's that.
Wes then spends the next four pages (at least on Kindle) expositing about diving equipment. For once it makes sense for a character to speak in paragraphs, since he's basically giving a lecture, but it's not an interesting lecture and it's not an important lecture. I hate it.
They'll be learning on two types of equipment--open-circuit sets and rebreathers. Despite talking about diving equipment for four straight pages, we never get an explanation on what either of these are and how they're different.
These passages are broken up by shameless flirting.
Wes winked at me, and I giggled. Kishan snapped the depth gauge in half, and Ren squeezed the compass too hard. The glass popped and cracked, and the compass fell apart.
Comedy? Wes seems unconcerned with the fact that the boys are destroying all of their safety equipment since it belongs to them anyway.
I'm not even sure how to go through this part. It's just a lot of Wes saying, "This is what this piece of equipment does." And he does this for every conceivable piece of gear that's used while diving, which is a lot. It's very thorough, and very boring.
After Wes explains what a wet suit is, Kelsey asks if it's bite-resistant, and Wes says that it offers some protection but it can still be torn through. Kishan says that Kelsey's afraid of sharks, and Wes says that if they see any sharks they probably won't bother them.
Wes went over every piece of equipment in detail and then asked us all to get into the deep end of the pool.
SO THOSE FOUR PAGES WEREN'T DESCRIBING EVERY PIECE OF EQUIPMENT IN DETAIL?
Kelsey spends an entire paragraph lusting over the three muscular male chests that she's in the pool with.
When Wes is satisfied with their ability to use the weights in the pool, he says that they'll reconvene later on to learn some first aid and CPR. Kelsey just drops into the narration the fact that she's taken first-aid and CPR classes before, which is something we've never seen before.
I'd taken first aid and CPR classes before, but this was all new to Ren and Kishan.
Remember when she got attacked by that bear on Mount Everest and got infected? And Kishan told her that he was well-versed in battlefield medication and was able to make herbal poultices? I do! Houck clearly doesn't.
Ren taps out early after spending all day near Kelsey, and Kishan swoops in to take the spot next to Kelsey so Wes can't sit there, because Comedy. Wes talks about how he misses Texas barbeque, just in case you forgot he's a Texan from Texas.
Wes asks Kelsey if she'd like to walk around the deck with him, and Kishan says that she won't. Kelsey tries to defuse the situation by agreeing to walk with Kishan tomorrow, and she'll go with Wes tonight because he's their guest. You know, instead of saying, "Kishan, what the fuck is wrong with you?"
"You're not planning to make any fresh moves are you?" I asked Wes.
"No, ma'am. I consider myself a perfect Southern gentleman. I ain't never laid a finger on a gal that didn't want me to, not that any of them ever turned me down before." He grinned mischievously.
You know, if you have to explicitly say "I've never raped anyone before" to convince someone you won't, that's uh. Not really very convincing.
Kelsey looks out at the ocean and it's very Beautiful.
The ocean is so beautiful . . . and dangerous, I thought. Just like tigers.
3deep5me
Wes asks Kelsey how long she's "planning on juggling" Ren and Kishan.
"I don't know." I flashed a smile. "You're incredibly astute for a dumb hick, you know."
Wow, Kelsey's a huge bitch. When confronted with the fact that she's unfairly stringing along two guys, she admits that she is, smiles because she doesn't think it's that big a deal, and then insults the guy who pointed it out. Also, Wes already told her that he dropped out of Harvard, which is, uh, not exactly easy to get into (unlike Houck's portrayal of WOU, apparently, given how Mr. Kadam was able to shove Kelsey in).
Wes says more stupid stuff.
"Hick I am, but dumb I ain't," he said with a dimpled smile. "But seriously, you look about as trapped as a piglet at a baby-back-ribs cook-off. Wanna talk about it?"
Did he just call her a pig?
Instead of clarifying why she's leading them on, she explains that they fought over a relationship a while back, and the girl died, so they're still coming to terms with that. Wes says that they're doing the same thing again with Kelsey, and she says that she loves both of them but is too afraid of hurting either one. She says that she'd pick Ren, but due to extenuating circumstances that doesn't look likely.
"There never was a horse that couldn't be rode; never was a cowboy that couldn't be throwed."
Did he just call her a horse? And a man?
Kelsey asks what that means, and he says that there isn't such thing as an "insurmountable object."
"If you want to, for lack of a better term, 'ride that horse,' you do it."
My notes have a very dirty joke about Kelsey wanting to ride Ren, which is pretty gross. Thanks, past me.
Anyway, Wes says that it's worth getting hurt as long as you can say you tried. Kelsey says that no matter how hard they try, it's possible that it'll never happen. Wes answers with more terrible comparisons.
"Not even the most willing mule with the biggest heart will ever win the Kentucky Derby, honey."
And:
"I'm sorry. I've made you droopier than a corsage the morning after prom."
It's really annoying to read. It's fine if he does it every once in a while, but it's literally about every other line of dialogue when he's not talking about diving equipment.
He sighed. "When the girl loves the mule, he wins her heart, even if he can't win the Derby," the charming Texan remarked.
Oh boy, it's my lucky day! An unnecessary epithet and a dialogue tag that isn't "said" for no reason!
That night when Kelsey goes to bed, Ren comes into her room as a tiger, and Kelsey tells him she loves her mule, to his confusion. Comedy?
Scene break! More diving talk. Ughhhh.
He talks about dangers associated with diving, like the bends and narcosis. Kelsey asks if the fact that she gets altitude sickness will make it more likely to get narcosis, and Wes says that they'll keep an eye on it. This would be important if this ended up actually showing up again in the future, but I legitimately don't think it does, so it's pointless.
They swim around in the pool for a while, which lasts about a page. Like the motorcycle nonsense from the last chapter, this would be a great place to describe what it feels like to dive. Really take advantage of the first-person narration you have going on, you know? You could describe the feeling of being totally submerged in water, what it's like to breathe with a tank--maybe panic a little on how the skills you're building now might not be enough when you're getting attacked later. Houck doesn't do any of that, and it's all summarized in quite possible the blandest prose I've ever seen in my life:
Wes told us to take a breath from our regulator, hold it, and see if we remained steady floating at near eye level. If we sank, then we needed to lighten the weight. Mr. Kadam and Kishan sank a little, so they lightened their belts. Then we were supposed to exhale. If we sank, we were fine. If we floated, we needed to add more weight. Kishan, Ren, and Mr. Kadam all sank fine, but I floated. Wes added more units of weight to my belt until I sank like the others. He told us we needed to go through this process on every dive.
All of the diving stuff is written exactly like this, and it's most of the chapter. It's so boring. Kelsey doesn't even tell us what she's thinking through all of this! She's supposed to be terrified of diving, but she just silently summarizes all of this boring nonsense that doesn't ever come back in any way!!!
When they dock that night, they give the crew the night off. Not to be nice or anything, it's so they can make a Texas barbeque buffet for Wes with the Golden Fruit. They give the excuse that the chef made arrangements for dinner, but, uh, I'm not sure how you'd pull that excuse off. I've eaten "American" food in Asia before, and it's about as authentically American as Panda Express is in America.
Wes is very happy about the food.
A look of rapture crossed Wes's face as the aroma of Texes barbecue hit him.
Ah, so now Houck is spelling it as "barbecue" instead of "barbeque." Consistency, in my published novel? It's more unlikely than you think.
Wes is very happy about the food.
He grabbed me, kissed me hard on the lips, and spun me around.
Why does every male character have to hit on Kelsey at all times? She hasn't even expressed any interest in him outside of laughing at some of his jokes.
Ren, predictably, reacts to this by threatening violence, because Ren is a psychopath.
Hey, do you care about what food is in the buffet? No? Too bad! Houck thoughtfully describes the scene in exactly the same way she describes every other meal: by providing a dispassionate list of different types of food with no actual description. It's basically every stereotypically Southern food--fried okra, barbeque chicken (ah, so we're back to "barbeque" now), beef brisket, garlic bread, corn on the cob, beans, coleslaw, biscuits, salad, and green beans. Yes, the way I described it is almost identical to how Houck describes it. Ren and Kishan eat most of the spread because Man Eats Lots is Still Funny.
Why do I not have a problem with it when it's, like, Goku eating a lot of food, but it's so Irritating when Ren and Kishan do? That's a good question. Probably because I actually like Goku, and he's written to be a childish goofball even when he's an adult. Ren and Kishan are just obnoxious.
Even Wes notices that Ren and Kishan are eating a lot, and points out that they seem a little "different." Everyone at the table freezes awkwardly, and Kelsey asks what he means. Wes says that it's weird that Ren and Kishan, who are Indian, are eating American food. That's...that's not that weird, Wes. Although I guess Wes could know why they're eating a lot, and he's just fucking with them. Hmm...
Ren and Kishan say that they've hunted a lot, so it's not any weirder than eating boar or buffalo.
"Though this is a little bit more well done."
Hey, if you're trying to keep a low profile, making jokes about hunting animals as a tiger to someone who doesn't understand what you're talking about isn't the way to do that.
Wes asks what kind of rifle they use to hunt, and Kishan says that he and Ren "hunt more . . . primitively." See above comment about stupid jokes that'll give you away.
Wes assumes that they mean they hunt with a bow, and says that his cousins hunt deer and javelina that way. Why you'd hunt javelina in the first place is beyond me--they're super musky and I can't imagine that wouldn't make the meat taste awful.
Wes offers to show them how to do some spearfishing, and they all agree that that sounds like a good idea.
They spent a couple of hours talking about spear fishing, asking what types of weapons were used and how they worked underwater.
And that's all we get about that! This information would actually be useful, since they're gearing up for a fight underwater. And they actually get into a couple of underwater fights later. So when we could actually get information that is relevant, Houck just skips it. Ugh.
Scene break! Back to more disinterested diving summary. The only thing of note that happens is that Wes teaches them how to massage away cramps, and Kishan spends too long working on Kelsey's leg. Ha ha.
Wes declares them ready to dive in the actual ocean! Kelsey immediately freaks out and...complains some more!
She spends an entire page talking about how scared she is to dive in the open ocean, but when they do, it's described in the exact same bland way it was in the pool.
We practiced vertical dives, swimming underwater, and clearing our snorkels. After a while, I started to relax and enjoy myself.
Gee, that was easy! There goes any potentially interesting internal conflict.
It's very pretty and Kelsey looks at a bunch of fish. As with the jungle scenes, they come across an implausible range and number of animals, including a sea turtle and a stingray.
[Ren's] eyes crinkled just as a school of colorful fish swam past him, and I suddenly realized this was one of my dreams from Shangri-la.
I'd dreamed of swimming with Ren in the ocean--and there he was. He gave the thumbs-up sign to mean we should head to the surface. I emerged near him and began treading water.
Wow, the payoff to the prophetic dream Kelsey had in Shangri-la sure was...anti-climactic. She barely even comments on it--she's literally just like, "Hey, I've seen this before!" and then goes back to bland diving descriptions.
If you think Ren wanted to tell her something important, he just wanted to tell her that she was beautiful. Romance? Comedy? A mixture of the two, maybe?
Uh, there's more boring summary of diving lessons. This chapter is really hard to describe because that's honestly most of this chapter. Kelsey sees another improbably diverse array of fish, including a barracuda and a lion fish.
I touched some brain coral, a starfish, and a huge conch.
NO!!! One of the first things you learn when you go snorkeling/diving is not to touch the wildlife! This is for a couple of reasons. First, there are a lot of fish that hang out if reefs that are fine with you at a distance, but will attack you if you get too close. Some of these are venomous. Second, it's really damaging to the ecosystem! One of the big dangers to coral reefs is idiot tourists who damage coral by touching it!
I'm getting worked up again. Moral of the story--don't do this if you go snorkeling or diving, or I will physically manifest next to you and drown you.
Kelsey swims around a bit, and an eel darts out from a rock over her arm. Um, if it's a saltwater eel, it's probably some kind of moray eel, and they're not exactly known to swim around large potential predators like divers for absolutely no reason. Kelsey flips the fuck out and loses her regulator, which is useful for all that breathing stuff. She tries to go for her backup regulator, and slams into some rocks.
A ascended a few feet quickly and slammed the top of my head into the ridge above me.
Ooh, more head trauma! It's been a while since she's been unconscious, so I guess Houck was itching for the chance to give Kelsey another concussion.
I could just make out the others swimming toward me before I blacked out.
She gets knocked out so easily. Anyway, she just needs some aspirin and she'll be fine.
That's the end of the chapter, though, so we're left on a super high-stakes cliffhanger! At 30% of the way through the story, so she's in no actual danger!
Closing Thoughts
This one's kind of short, which I can get away with by not summarizing the over-the-top summary of diving instructions that Houck gives us. I guess you can consider this another training scene. I've talked at length about training scenes in the previous book, and this suffers from the same problems--we don't learn anything about how the world works (since it's just...diving), how characters deal with adversity (since Kelsey's fears instantly evaporate the moment they could be inconvenient), or let us experience things from inside the protagonist's head (since it literally reads like an instruction manual).
Wes continues to be incredibly suspicious, and also I hate him.
Next time, Chapter 10: Durga's Temple! Houck remembers that the Plot needs to happen.
Last time, Kelsey got to flirt with three hot guys all vying for her attention at once, she bought a cute new swimsuit, and we met an outrageous Texan accent in the form of a diving instructor. This time, Houck shows off that she did some research on how diving works, and this research takes up the majority of the chapter. Joy.
Chapter Nine: Diving Lessons
Kelsey wakes up to a poem on the pillow next to her. It's about how she's the moon and Ren is the sea, and it's very Romantic. Instead of letting some actually subtle bit of symbolism stand for once, Kelsey immediately explains how much it applies to the current situation:
I'd told Phet I was like the moon. Maybe the universe was trying to tell me that I belonged with Ren. It was an accurate comparison. The moon and the sea were destined to affect one another but were never able to touch.
You know, the whole point of a literary allusion is to draw comparisons without explicitly telling your audience exactly what those are. Have some faith in your audience.
Kelsey realizes that she's late and runs down to the pool to meet Wes, but she's also the first person to show up, so that's a nice bit of inconsistency. She notices that Wes's outrageous accent is gone, and he tells her that he exaggerates it to placate "overprotective fathers or jealous boyfriends" as well as get dates and get better grades in college (wat). Although it seems there's a bit more to Wes than meets the eye if he can fake stuff like this so easily. Hmm.
He says that it's a wonder Ren and Kishan haven't killed each other yet because they're so overbearing about her, and Kelsey warns him that all that attention is on him now. They're interrupted by Ren and Kishan showing up to the pool, so Wes's accent takes over again.
"Well, good mornin', fellers. Looks like Kelsey wins the award for early riser. And doesn't she look purtier than a pat of butter meltin' all over a stack of griddle cakes?"
Wes sucks. Also, pretty sure he just called her fat, since that's what butter is. First she's a cow, now she's butter?
Wes starts teaching them about diving. He's full of very useful information like this:
"There are two barriers that prevent humans from diving. The first is we don't have gills."
No shit.
Actually, that line exists so he can say more "Texan" things.
"And if you ever do find a man with gills you can fry me up, call me a catfish, and serve me with hushpuppies."
It says a lot when Sandy Cheeks is less of a stereotype than Wes. And she's a literal cartoon character.
Anyway, he does actually give some valuable information, and says that the big problem is the amount of pressure the water puts on your lungs, so the diving equipment is designed to counteract some of the pressure so they can actually breathe. He still can't help himself but say stupid things though.
"Sure as shootin', they'd pop like a smoked sausage left too long on the barbeque."
So there's that.
Wes then spends the next four pages (at least on Kindle) expositing about diving equipment. For once it makes sense for a character to speak in paragraphs, since he's basically giving a lecture, but it's not an interesting lecture and it's not an important lecture. I hate it.
They'll be learning on two types of equipment--open-circuit sets and rebreathers. Despite talking about diving equipment for four straight pages, we never get an explanation on what either of these are and how they're different.
These passages are broken up by shameless flirting.
Wes winked at me, and I giggled. Kishan snapped the depth gauge in half, and Ren squeezed the compass too hard. The glass popped and cracked, and the compass fell apart.
Comedy? Wes seems unconcerned with the fact that the boys are destroying all of their safety equipment since it belongs to them anyway.
I'm not even sure how to go through this part. It's just a lot of Wes saying, "This is what this piece of equipment does." And he does this for every conceivable piece of gear that's used while diving, which is a lot. It's very thorough, and very boring.
After Wes explains what a wet suit is, Kelsey asks if it's bite-resistant, and Wes says that it offers some protection but it can still be torn through. Kishan says that Kelsey's afraid of sharks, and Wes says that if they see any sharks they probably won't bother them.
Wes went over every piece of equipment in detail and then asked us all to get into the deep end of the pool.
SO THOSE FOUR PAGES WEREN'T DESCRIBING EVERY PIECE OF EQUIPMENT IN DETAIL?
Kelsey spends an entire paragraph lusting over the three muscular male chests that she's in the pool with.
When Wes is satisfied with their ability to use the weights in the pool, he says that they'll reconvene later on to learn some first aid and CPR. Kelsey just drops into the narration the fact that she's taken first-aid and CPR classes before, which is something we've never seen before.
I'd taken first aid and CPR classes before, but this was all new to Ren and Kishan.
Remember when she got attacked by that bear on Mount Everest and got infected? And Kishan told her that he was well-versed in battlefield medication and was able to make herbal poultices? I do! Houck clearly doesn't.
Ren taps out early after spending all day near Kelsey, and Kishan swoops in to take the spot next to Kelsey so Wes can't sit there, because Comedy. Wes talks about how he misses Texas barbeque, just in case you forgot he's a Texan from Texas.
Wes asks Kelsey if she'd like to walk around the deck with him, and Kishan says that she won't. Kelsey tries to defuse the situation by agreeing to walk with Kishan tomorrow, and she'll go with Wes tonight because he's their guest. You know, instead of saying, "Kishan, what the fuck is wrong with you?"
"You're not planning to make any fresh moves are you?" I asked Wes.
"No, ma'am. I consider myself a perfect Southern gentleman. I ain't never laid a finger on a gal that didn't want me to, not that any of them ever turned me down before." He grinned mischievously.
You know, if you have to explicitly say "I've never raped anyone before" to convince someone you won't, that's uh. Not really very convincing.
Kelsey looks out at the ocean and it's very Beautiful.
The ocean is so beautiful . . . and dangerous, I thought. Just like tigers.
3deep5me
Wes asks Kelsey how long she's "planning on juggling" Ren and Kishan.
"I don't know." I flashed a smile. "You're incredibly astute for a dumb hick, you know."
Wow, Kelsey's a huge bitch. When confronted with the fact that she's unfairly stringing along two guys, she admits that she is, smiles because she doesn't think it's that big a deal, and then insults the guy who pointed it out. Also, Wes already told her that he dropped out of Harvard, which is, uh, not exactly easy to get into (unlike Houck's portrayal of WOU, apparently, given how Mr. Kadam was able to shove Kelsey in).
Wes says more stupid stuff.
"Hick I am, but dumb I ain't," he said with a dimpled smile. "But seriously, you look about as trapped as a piglet at a baby-back-ribs cook-off. Wanna talk about it?"
Did he just call her a pig?
Instead of clarifying why she's leading them on, she explains that they fought over a relationship a while back, and the girl died, so they're still coming to terms with that. Wes says that they're doing the same thing again with Kelsey, and she says that she loves both of them but is too afraid of hurting either one. She says that she'd pick Ren, but due to extenuating circumstances that doesn't look likely.
"There never was a horse that couldn't be rode; never was a cowboy that couldn't be throwed."
Did he just call her a horse? And a man?
Kelsey asks what that means, and he says that there isn't such thing as an "insurmountable object."
"If you want to, for lack of a better term, 'ride that horse,' you do it."
My notes have a very dirty joke about Kelsey wanting to ride Ren, which is pretty gross. Thanks, past me.
Anyway, Wes says that it's worth getting hurt as long as you can say you tried. Kelsey says that no matter how hard they try, it's possible that it'll never happen. Wes answers with more terrible comparisons.
"Not even the most willing mule with the biggest heart will ever win the Kentucky Derby, honey."
And:
"I'm sorry. I've made you droopier than a corsage the morning after prom."
It's really annoying to read. It's fine if he does it every once in a while, but it's literally about every other line of dialogue when he's not talking about diving equipment.
He sighed. "When the girl loves the mule, he wins her heart, even if he can't win the Derby," the charming Texan remarked.
Oh boy, it's my lucky day! An unnecessary epithet and a dialogue tag that isn't "said" for no reason!
That night when Kelsey goes to bed, Ren comes into her room as a tiger, and Kelsey tells him she loves her mule, to his confusion. Comedy?
Scene break! More diving talk. Ughhhh.
He talks about dangers associated with diving, like the bends and narcosis. Kelsey asks if the fact that she gets altitude sickness will make it more likely to get narcosis, and Wes says that they'll keep an eye on it. This would be important if this ended up actually showing up again in the future, but I legitimately don't think it does, so it's pointless.
They swim around in the pool for a while, which lasts about a page. Like the motorcycle nonsense from the last chapter, this would be a great place to describe what it feels like to dive. Really take advantage of the first-person narration you have going on, you know? You could describe the feeling of being totally submerged in water, what it's like to breathe with a tank--maybe panic a little on how the skills you're building now might not be enough when you're getting attacked later. Houck doesn't do any of that, and it's all summarized in quite possible the blandest prose I've ever seen in my life:
Wes told us to take a breath from our regulator, hold it, and see if we remained steady floating at near eye level. If we sank, then we needed to lighten the weight. Mr. Kadam and Kishan sank a little, so they lightened their belts. Then we were supposed to exhale. If we sank, we were fine. If we floated, we needed to add more weight. Kishan, Ren, and Mr. Kadam all sank fine, but I floated. Wes added more units of weight to my belt until I sank like the others. He told us we needed to go through this process on every dive.
All of the diving stuff is written exactly like this, and it's most of the chapter. It's so boring. Kelsey doesn't even tell us what she's thinking through all of this! She's supposed to be terrified of diving, but she just silently summarizes all of this boring nonsense that doesn't ever come back in any way!!!
When they dock that night, they give the crew the night off. Not to be nice or anything, it's so they can make a Texas barbeque buffet for Wes with the Golden Fruit. They give the excuse that the chef made arrangements for dinner, but, uh, I'm not sure how you'd pull that excuse off. I've eaten "American" food in Asia before, and it's about as authentically American as Panda Express is in America.
Wes is very happy about the food.
A look of rapture crossed Wes's face as the aroma of Texes barbecue hit him.
Ah, so now Houck is spelling it as "barbecue" instead of "barbeque." Consistency, in my published novel? It's more unlikely than you think.
Wes is very happy about the food.
He grabbed me, kissed me hard on the lips, and spun me around.
Why does every male character have to hit on Kelsey at all times? She hasn't even expressed any interest in him outside of laughing at some of his jokes.
Ren, predictably, reacts to this by threatening violence, because Ren is a psychopath.
Hey, do you care about what food is in the buffet? No? Too bad! Houck thoughtfully describes the scene in exactly the same way she describes every other meal: by providing a dispassionate list of different types of food with no actual description. It's basically every stereotypically Southern food--fried okra, barbeque chicken (ah, so we're back to "barbeque" now), beef brisket, garlic bread, corn on the cob, beans, coleslaw, biscuits, salad, and green beans. Yes, the way I described it is almost identical to how Houck describes it. Ren and Kishan eat most of the spread because Man Eats Lots is Still Funny.
Why do I not have a problem with it when it's, like, Goku eating a lot of food, but it's so Irritating when Ren and Kishan do? That's a good question. Probably because I actually like Goku, and he's written to be a childish goofball even when he's an adult. Ren and Kishan are just obnoxious.
Even Wes notices that Ren and Kishan are eating a lot, and points out that they seem a little "different." Everyone at the table freezes awkwardly, and Kelsey asks what he means. Wes says that it's weird that Ren and Kishan, who are Indian, are eating American food. That's...that's not that weird, Wes. Although I guess Wes could know why they're eating a lot, and he's just fucking with them. Hmm...
Ren and Kishan say that they've hunted a lot, so it's not any weirder than eating boar or buffalo.
"Though this is a little bit more well done."
Hey, if you're trying to keep a low profile, making jokes about hunting animals as a tiger to someone who doesn't understand what you're talking about isn't the way to do that.
Wes asks what kind of rifle they use to hunt, and Kishan says that he and Ren "hunt more . . . primitively." See above comment about stupid jokes that'll give you away.
Wes assumes that they mean they hunt with a bow, and says that his cousins hunt deer and javelina that way. Why you'd hunt javelina in the first place is beyond me--they're super musky and I can't imagine that wouldn't make the meat taste awful.
Wes offers to show them how to do some spearfishing, and they all agree that that sounds like a good idea.
They spent a couple of hours talking about spear fishing, asking what types of weapons were used and how they worked underwater.
And that's all we get about that! This information would actually be useful, since they're gearing up for a fight underwater. And they actually get into a couple of underwater fights later. So when we could actually get information that is relevant, Houck just skips it. Ugh.
Scene break! Back to more disinterested diving summary. The only thing of note that happens is that Wes teaches them how to massage away cramps, and Kishan spends too long working on Kelsey's leg. Ha ha.
Wes declares them ready to dive in the actual ocean! Kelsey immediately freaks out and...complains some more!
She spends an entire page talking about how scared she is to dive in the open ocean, but when they do, it's described in the exact same bland way it was in the pool.
We practiced vertical dives, swimming underwater, and clearing our snorkels. After a while, I started to relax and enjoy myself.
Gee, that was easy! There goes any potentially interesting internal conflict.
It's very pretty and Kelsey looks at a bunch of fish. As with the jungle scenes, they come across an implausible range and number of animals, including a sea turtle and a stingray.
[Ren's] eyes crinkled just as a school of colorful fish swam past him, and I suddenly realized this was one of my dreams from Shangri-la.
I'd dreamed of swimming with Ren in the ocean--and there he was. He gave the thumbs-up sign to mean we should head to the surface. I emerged near him and began treading water.
Wow, the payoff to the prophetic dream Kelsey had in Shangri-la sure was...anti-climactic. She barely even comments on it--she's literally just like, "Hey, I've seen this before!" and then goes back to bland diving descriptions.
If you think Ren wanted to tell her something important, he just wanted to tell her that she was beautiful. Romance? Comedy? A mixture of the two, maybe?
Uh, there's more boring summary of diving lessons. This chapter is really hard to describe because that's honestly most of this chapter. Kelsey sees another improbably diverse array of fish, including a barracuda and a lion fish.
I touched some brain coral, a starfish, and a huge conch.
NO!!! One of the first things you learn when you go snorkeling/diving is not to touch the wildlife! This is for a couple of reasons. First, there are a lot of fish that hang out if reefs that are fine with you at a distance, but will attack you if you get too close. Some of these are venomous. Second, it's really damaging to the ecosystem! One of the big dangers to coral reefs is idiot tourists who damage coral by touching it!
I'm getting worked up again. Moral of the story--don't do this if you go snorkeling or diving, or I will physically manifest next to you and drown you.
Kelsey swims around a bit, and an eel darts out from a rock over her arm. Um, if it's a saltwater eel, it's probably some kind of moray eel, and they're not exactly known to swim around large potential predators like divers for absolutely no reason. Kelsey flips the fuck out and loses her regulator, which is useful for all that breathing stuff. She tries to go for her backup regulator, and slams into some rocks.
A ascended a few feet quickly and slammed the top of my head into the ridge above me.
Ooh, more head trauma! It's been a while since she's been unconscious, so I guess Houck was itching for the chance to give Kelsey another concussion.
I could just make out the others swimming toward me before I blacked out.
She gets knocked out so easily. Anyway, she just needs some aspirin and she'll be fine.
That's the end of the chapter, though, so we're left on a super high-stakes cliffhanger! At 30% of the way through the story, so she's in no actual danger!
Closing Thoughts
This one's kind of short, which I can get away with by not summarizing the over-the-top summary of diving instructions that Houck gives us. I guess you can consider this another training scene. I've talked at length about training scenes in the previous book, and this suffers from the same problems--we don't learn anything about how the world works (since it's just...diving), how characters deal with adversity (since Kelsey's fears instantly evaporate the moment they could be inconvenient), or let us experience things from inside the protagonist's head (since it literally reads like an instruction manual).
Wes continues to be incredibly suspicious, and also I hate him.
Next time, Chapter 10: Durga's Temple! Houck remembers that the Plot needs to happen.
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