Chapter 24: The Ocean of Milk

Hello, and welcome back to our irregularly scheduled nonsense!

Many apologies for the, uh, extended delay in updates. I've been working in my summer job/studying for an important exam that's required for me to get a job/languishing in quarantine hell. So there's that!

Last time, Kelsey turned down Ren (again) and told him she was dating Kishan (again). Ren immediately went back on his promise not to leave her by...immediately leaving the room. Hilarious.

This time, we finally get that payoff from that inconsequential thing that happened in, like, chapter three of the book, such that when I was re-reading the book I literally forgot all about it by the time I got to this chapter. This was on a re-read, mind you, so I'd already read it once. I'll provide a quick little recap of that section once we get there in this chapter, given that I last talked about it, uh...*checks posting history* in January roughly 500 years ago.

Remember January? Good times.

Chapter Twenty-Four: The Ocean of Milk

Ewwww.

The chapter picks up right where we left off, showing that the chapter ended with Ren leaving just for the Drama rather than any kind of logical scene break like a change in scene or jump in time. Kelsey berates herself for the way she handled the conversation with Ren.

Good-bye? I never do this right! Why do I always screw up everthing? I'd meant to tell him why I wasn't picking him. I wanted him to understand my thinking . . . or at least hear me out.

So Kelsey thinks that she handled the coversation badly, where what actually happened was this:

Ren: "You should date me."

Kelsey: "No thanks."

Ren: "WAAAAAH!"

Ren isn't owed an explanation for why someone doesn't want to date him. The fact that Kelsey thinks he is is pretty troubling--especially when you remember that Ren was her first real relationship and basically what she considers normal.

Yikes.

Kelsey reiterates (again, damn it) that Kishan is the safer option because loving Ren is too risky for her emotionally. 

She then talks about her decision to pick Kishan over Ren in a really confusing metaphor that's somehow overwrought and underthought at the same time.

Almost winners aren't remembered anyway. Nobody cared if you almost made a touchdown. Almost had that three-point shot at the buzzer. Almost made a triple play.

Um, people care a lot if you almost do those things. Generally the losing team.

I was a coach who'd just benched the all-star rookie player. I had my reasons, but the fans didn't care. All they'd see was a coach who'd made what they felt was a very bad decision.

So, wait, Kelsey is both the coach and the fans in this scenario?

It keeps going.

But, to be fair, do you throw the rookie into the championship game, hoping his showy enthusiasm will get you points? Or do you put in your slower but steadier guy?

Does Houck think that there's a single player on a football/basketball/baseball team? What?

The players who have proved themselves all season.

Oh, there's the rest of the team. Except this sentence is referring to the single "slow but steady guy" from the last sentence, so I don't know why it's plural now. Also this sentence is completely nonsensical because it's missing a verb and doesn't work as a sentence fragment following the previous sentence.

They may not hit three-point shots but they can go the distance.

I...ow. My brain hurts. They may not hit three-point shots. Because you hit a basketball. And the "go the distance" part is about football, I think?

This reads like something a character would say ironically to show that they don't know much about sports. This feels like it's supposed to be sincere. Oof.

She then points out that it was dumb to use a sports analogy. Which, yeah, but the solution is to edit it into something better, not just call attention to it by saying "lol that was dumb, wasn't it?"

Then she compares her constantly lusting after Ren to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting! Classy!

Hi. My name is Kelsey, and I'm an addict.

Hi, Kelsey.

It's been two minutes since I let Ren walk away, and I think I'm going to fall off the wagon.

No! Stay strong, girl! We're here to support you.

Right. But you don't understand. I can't live without him.

Sure you can. You just take it one day at a time.

You mean I have to go a whole day without seeing him

My fellow addicts would laugh. Try a whole lifetime, girl. You've got to go cold turkey. Comletely expunge him from your life. Mementos will just tempt you. You're an addict, and you're in denial.

Hey, fuck this book! This is a serious topic, and it's being treated like a LOLSOQUIRKY joke. 

Then she falls asleep. Yeah, it's just as sudden in the book, too. She wakes up the next morning and thankfully doesn't waffle on about weird metaphors anymore. Instead, we see that her room has a super fancy bathroom. Neat. She takes a shower and there's a fancy air blower that dries her off instead of a towel, and Kishan makes fun of how poofy her hair is when she joins them for breakfast. Comedy?

You'd think that would be the end of it (as in, it's a tight-ish scenario of her and Kishan goofing around) but there's a whole section afterwards where Kelsey asks for a comb, which neither Kishan nor Yinbailong have, but Ren does. And because it's Ren giving her a comb, it's the most Amazing, Beautiful, Special comb that ever existed (also, it's made out of gold). Ren hands it to her and then immediately peaces out, leaving everyone else at the table. Kishan says that he likes how her hair looks now, anyway.

Remember, we're supposed to like Ren in this scene.

Yinbailong tells them how to get to the next stage of the journey--they have to swim through some ice caves and find a hidden key that will let them into the last pagoda, but only someone with the blood of the gods (whatever that means) can get to the key.

This is, of course, summarized in two sentences in narration because Kelsey is too busy brushing her hair and literally cannot walk and chew gum at the same time.

I listened with half an ear. My mind was distracted, which wasn't good considering it would probably take all three of us to retrieve Durga's Pearl Necklace and make it out alive. Thankfully, Kishan seemed to be paying attention. I smiled and daydreamed a little as I methodically combed my puffed up hair.

Yeah, you thought I was exaggerating, didn't you?

You know, Houck, in order for us to care about what's happening in the book, the very first, most basic step is to make the protagonist care about what's happening.

So instead of listening to the dragon explaining to them exactly how to, you know, do the thing that they came here for, she daydreams about Ren brushing his fingers through her hair. She literally ends the scene by saying that Yinbailong, Ren, and Kishan had come up with a plan and that it was time to go.

Ughhhhhh. Kelsey is literally the most useless protagonist I've ever seen.

Time for an improbable list of every deep-sea fish in existence!

Yinbailong takes them to an observatory and there are a lot of fish swimming around. There's a sea cucumber and a starfish and some snails and a hatchet fish "the size of a bean bag chair." This is impressive because they're called "hatchetfish" (note the lack of a space) and only grow up to six inches long.

No, this can't be excused with Magic, because when they showed up to Yinbailong's palace I was subjected to a whole conversation about dinoflagellates and their natural bioluminescence, so Yinbailong's palace is based in actual biology. Research is for Nerds.

Also there's gulper eels, angler fish, lantern fish, viperfish, lobsters, crabs, jellyfish, a vampire squid, and even a sperm whale. This is insane and it happens every time they go to a new environment and it drives me crazy.

Then Yinbailong starts expositing about the different zones of the ocean. No, I'm not joking. Yes, it goes on for way too long.

I was going to quickly skip past it, but I did some research (read: five literal seconds of Googling) and it's not even correct. I'll leave some space before and after if you really don't want to read about fish for way too long (but you should, because biology is really interesting!) So let's go through this:

"The oceans are divided into four zones according to depth."

This is wrong. There are five zones: epipelagic, mesopelagic, bathypelagic, abyssopelagic, and hadopelagic.

"Jinselong lives in the euphotic zone, which comprises the top five hundred feet of the ocean. Plants grow there, and it's full of a vareity of marine life."

There is something called the euphotic zone, and it does compirse the top five hundred feet of the ocean, but this isn't technically one of the five zones. As the name suggests, "euphotic" refers to light penetration into the water. This is the zone that's bright enough for photosynthesis to happen. The epipelagic zone, which is what I think Houck is trying to refer to, extends to about 200 meters below the ocean--yes, this is about the same depth, but she also uses the terms mesopelagic and bathypelagic, so let's at least try to be a bit consistent with our Greek and Latin root words.

"The mesopelagic zone is next. It doesn't have plant life, but numerous animals still seek sustenance in its depths. That is where you find most species of shark."

This is true, although it certainly has a lot of species living there other than sharks. Since this is mostly just for Kelsey's benefit (because Shark Scary hurr hurr) I'll let it slide.

"We are between three thousand and ten thousand feet, the bathypelagic zone, where the only large animal, like I mentioned, is the sperm whale."

The depth is correct, but the rest isn't. Sperm whales don't live in the bathypelagic zone because they are mammals and have to breathe oxygen. They dive down to extreme depths to eat food, but they spend most of their time up near the surface where they can, you know, breathe and stuff.

Other large creatures that actually live in the bathypelagic zone: several species of giant squid (the colossal squid gets up to 33 feet long), the Japanese spider crab (12 feet), the giant oarfish (possibly up to 56 feet [!]), and the Stygiomedusa jellyfish (30 feet). Also: sharks! Including the megamouth shark, which is maybe the most deeply unsettling thing I've ever seen in my life:

"Below this level is the abyssal zone, which continues to the bottom of the ocean. There isn't really all that much going on down there."

True--it's mostly small fish adapted to living on the ocean floor. But! This is where large carcasses end up. When a whale dies, it lands in this zone, and actually creates its own biosphere of different kinds of detritovores that eat through the entire body, including the bones! It's some cool stuff.

Yinbailong leaves out the discussion of the hadopelagic zone, which is what's going on below the ocean floor in deep sea trenches. Not much is known about these areas of the ocean. Most of the fish seem to be eels, but we're still discovering what's going on there, since the absolutely insane pressure makes it difficult to explore (over 1000 times atmospheric pressure!! Wow!!!)

I like marine science, and I won't apologize for that.

Anwyay, the only important thing we get out of that explanation is that the Seventh Pagoda is in the upper abyssal zone (roughly 4000 meters/ 13,000 feet deep). They're already close to that deep in Yinbailong's palace, and once they get through the Ocean of Milk it should be easy.

Kelsey & Co. get prepared to leave (Kishan wraps Kelsey up in an absurd amount of winter gear, har har) and Yinbailong changes into a dragon to see them off.

Its dragon claws were blue, as were its eyes.

As opposed to its tiger claws. Stupid.

Its underbelly shimmered like the aurora borealis.

Yinbailong opens its mouth and starts to glow until the layers of ice melt away from it. Then Yinbailong turns back into a human and tells them that the door will lead them directly to the Ocean of Milk, where its guardian will guide them to the key. Neat.

Uh, also, the dragon shows them to a sled and when Kelsey asks where the dogs are, he says that Ren and Kishan will pull it as tigers. So that's a thing, I guess.

Here's a Complete and Total Suprise: Kelsey falls asleep and fast travels to further down the ice tunnel. She literally just wakes up to complain that it's cold. There is this line, though:

"The cold was so frigid it was painful."

"The cold was so cold it was painful." Genius.

The next day, they reach a room with a lake and a stone fountain. Kishan says it's Kelsey's turn and that she has to free the guardian. She asks what she has to do (remember: this was already explained to her and she literally just spaced out instead of paying attention, and this is, again, not an exaggeration on my part and is what literally happened in the text) and Kishan tells her to melt the ice.

Weird, the person with fire powers is presented with a lot of ice. What could she possibly have to do? Idiot.

She melts part of the fountain, but then her fire starts to go out because of Drama. Ren says that she needs to be warmed up. Ren tells her not to be stubborn, but she decides that she's an Independent Woman Who Don't Need No Man (except, uh, Kishan, I guess) and "tap[s] her inner core of fire" (whatever the hell that is) and melts the rest of the fountain. Neat.

The fountain starts up and the water is milky white. There's a mermaid statue on the top, but then Kelsey realizes that the mermaid is alive! How she can mix up a living person and unpainted stone I have no idea.

The mermaid, being an icky female character, exists solely to flirt with Ren and Kishan, because as an attractive female in a terrible YA paranormal romance book she is only seen as a threat to the protagonist's love triangle. Thanks, I hate it!

Kishan asks what her name is, and she says that it's Kaeliora, which is a name with a whole heap of vowels in it. Then she immediately complains about getting her hair wet.

Yeah--the mermaid is complaining about getting her hair wet. Because she's an attractive woman, and therefore a shrill harpy.

End my suffering.

She's not wearing any clothes, but rest assured, we are spared having to read about mermaid T&A because her tail goes up over her chest "like a halter top." But because female solidarity doesn't exist in this hellish universe, Kelsey says that it's "somehow more provocative than being nude" and compares her scales to a trout's.

Kaeliora asks for her present and says that it needs to be "bright and living," and when Kelsey says they don't have anything for her, she literally pouts. God, I don't normally get worked up over stuff like this, but it's irritating.

Ren says that Ackshully, they have Durga's lei, and Kaeliora is happy to receive a flower since she hasn't smelled one in a long time. She puts it on and stares at herself in the mirror for an entire minute while decades of feminism dies a painful death in the background.

Kelsey asks for the key while the mermaid checks for split ends, seemingly forgetting that they're there. Yes, the irony is completely lost on Houck as THIS CHAPTER LITERALLY STARTED WITH KELSEY BRUSHING HER HAIR AND COMPLETELY IGNORING THE PLOT.

DOUBLE STANDARDS BETWEEN OUR PROTAGONIST AND AN ATTRACTIVE WOMAN? WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY BE TALKING ABOUT?

Kaeliora tells Kelsey that the key is at the bottom of the lake. It's only about twenty feet deep, but it's really cold and whoever goes in will probably freeze to death. Ren immediately volunteers to go in, and Kelsey flips the absolute fuck out.

"Always willing to put yourself in harm's way, aren't you? Can't resist a worthy cause, no matter how dangerous! Why not? He's faster than a speeding bullet, able to leap tall buildings. Naturally, you want to go."

"Why should I stay?" he asked quietly.

"No. You're right. You have absolutely no reason to keep yourself safe. It's just another day at the office for you, isn't it, Superman? No, Iceman would be more appropriate in this case. Why not? Go ahead! Fly off and save the day, like you always do. Just make sure you don't come back as Mr. Freeze. He was the bad guy."

Which is completely bonkers, by the way. Iceman is a terrible play on Superman, and Mr. Freeze was Batman, you complete buffoon.

It says a lot when this is a better pun.

This is a shame, because the reaction itself makes sense, since Ren's tendencies to jump headlong into danger is, like, the primary reason she chose Kishan. If Kelsey blowing up at Ren was actually treated seriously rather than as a really clunky way to make a Superman reference, this could actually be a really powerful scene! But no, we're stuck with this.

Iceman. Honestly.

Kaeliora giggles and says that Ren can't go anyway. Only Kishan can go. (Then she looks at her fingernails because Houck still thinks you haven't gotten the joke yet.)

Well, it turns out that only Kishan can jump in to get the key, because he was the one who drank soma.

Wait, what's soma again? When did that happen?

Well, that's what happened all the way back in chapter three! With my favorite character, Phet!

"If that drink was a gift for Kishan, what was it?" Ren asked.

Phet leaned back in his chair and, with an odd expression on his face, said, "Soma."

Kishan began coughing violently and Ren froze.

"What's soma?" I asked.

Ren turned to me. "Soma is the Hindu version of ambrosia. It's the drink of the gods. In the modern world soma is also a hallucinogenic."

"Oh."

Phet grunted. "My soma no dream."

"Does that mean he becomes a god?" I asked Phet.

The brothers were staring at Phet too.

He just shrugged his shoulders. "Phet not know everything, only some thing. Now gift other one."

You may remember me saying waaay back then that it makes absolutely no sense for someone drinking god food being turned into a god. I wrote that well before I read the fourth and last book of the series (where "turning into a god" is somewhat relevant) and it STILL makes no sense because that's not how it happens in the next book!

Anyway, Kaeliora says that the soma did the trick and that she can see the power on Kishan's skin. She also says that it looks hot, because Houck thinks this singular character trait is entertaining.

I peered at Kishan. "Nope, can't really see his power."

"Well, the water is full of it. Power, I mean. My job is to stir it once in a while so it doesn't settle to the bottom."

I...but...you spend your time frozen. The only way to even get to the key is to unfreeze you.

My brain hurts again.

"Dip a finger in, and you'll get the shock of your life. An arm, and your brain shuts down. You entire body? Zap! You're just nutmeg floating in the eggnog."

But you just said that the problem with the lake is that it's cold! Now it's electrified? What?

Also, HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW WHAT EGGNOG IS, LADY?

Kaeliora rambles on and on for a really long time (because being hot automatically makes you a complete airhead in this universe), the jist being that it's a really fancy swimming pool for the gods and that Kishan still might freeze to death, but at least he won't get zapped to oblivion. There's really only one line worth mentioning, because I think Houck forgot she was writing about a mermaid:

"Oh, and I forgot to mention, you'd better make it quick. My toes are freezing already, and if the fountain re-freezes before you get back, you can't enter or exit the lake, and I won't be able to tell you how to get the Necklace."

Mermaid.

Toes.

The three of them run to the edge of the lake (while the mermaid "whine[s] about her tail not getting enough moisturizer" because this book is proof that you can still be a raging misogynist if you are a woman). Kelsey melts a hole in the ice (despite being so tapped out from melting the fountain in the previous scene that she collapsed and has been carried around by Kishan this whole time), and they hear Kaeliora shout to them that the key is gold so it should be easy to spot.

Kishan dives a couple of times trying to spot it, and finally sees it pretty far away. He's already freezing, and Kaeliora says that as it is he won't make it, but that Kelsey can help him. Kelsey immediately rips off her and Ren's clothes.

Yes, that happens.

I let another few seconds go before ripping off my coat and yanking off Ren's.

Told you.

Anyway, they do their SUPER MEGA AMAZING SPOONING POWERS (I am still not over this, it's so dumb) and the lake immediately heats up to the point that it's steaming. Kishan says that it feels like a sauna, which is not what a sauna is. That would be a hot tub, Houck. Editing, what's that?

Kishan climbs out of the water and gives Kelsey a "very soggy kiss" (apparently Houck forgot that she established the water as deadly to anyone who hasn't drunk soma) and the key. Kelsey and Ren run back to Kaeliora while Kishan changes into dry clothes and ask her what they should do next.

Rather than finish the scene naturally, Houck decides that this is as good a place as any to end the chapter, so we're done!

Closing Thoughts

This chapter could have been good. There's some real conflict going on between Kelsey and Ren that manages not to feel completely forced like in the previous books, and Kelsey's internal conflict about choosing between Kishan and Ren is, while not amazing or anything, pretty standard fare for YA paranormal romance love triangles.

The major problem is that we've already been so inundated with the exact same conversations and comparisons by this point (it's literally been going on since the last book) none of it actually means anything because nothing really changes. If I have to hear about how Ren is a risky choice and Kishan is the safe choice one more time I'm going to lose it.

Kaeliora is a really one-note and boring character, so much so that Houck literally just forgot she was writing about a mermaid at one point, so that shows how crucial she is to the plot.

So that's that. Next time: Chapter Twenty-Five: The Seventh Pagoda! We're over 85% of the way through! That means the climax is coming up soon, and then I don't have to read this book anymore!