Chapter 13: Vatsala Durga Temple

Hello, and welcome back to our irregularly scheduled nonsense!

Last time, bad mythology and a training sequence.  But not even really a training sequence, because it was skipped over for some reason.  We didn't even really get a training montage, since Kelsey just said, essentially, "I practiced for a few weeks, and now I'm good at using my lightning powers."  Which is not great.

This time, the characters realize that they're almost 50% of the way through the story and they haven't done any curse-breaking yet in a book about breaking a curse, so they start to do that.  Prepare for some very rushed pacing, folks, because the events that took up the first book take up about 2/3 of that space in this book.

Chapter Thirteen: Vatsala Durga Temple

If you don't remember, this is the temple that they narrowed it down to in the last chapter because it's in close proximity to Lhasa, where they have to go next.

Kelsey says that they've kept to their training schedule for the next couple of weeks (!)--helping Mr. Kadam make preparations for their quest and trying to locate Ren in the mornings, sparring in the afternoons, and zapping targets with lightning in the evenings.  Hey, isn't time of the essence here?  Ren's been captured, and we know he's being tortured for information.  He could break at any second and let Lokesh know where they are.  Also, there's the whole fact that Kelsey is dating Ren and should want to rescue him as quickly as possible.  Nah, let's just screw around for a month even though we already know what the prophecy says and we already know exactly where we need to go.  Oy.

Kelsey says that she feels like she can take care of herself in a fight now because of her lightning power and not her physical strength.  Hey, remember when she said multiple times that she felt like her martial arts training made her feel safer and like she could take care of herself?  I do!  What I think happened is that Houck wrote the quest part first and realized her story was too short, so she added all of the stuff about wushu to try to add to the length without realizing that starting your novel off with hundreds of pages of filler is maybe not the best idea.

I could take out a weed all the way across the field and not damage the surrounding grass.  It was like I had some inner ability to auto-focus, and I knew just where I needed to aim.

Hacks!  Kelsey needs to get banned because she has auto-aim turned on.

Also, don't do this.  This is just plain bad writing, folks.  She's officially too over-powered for any tension to exist in combat situations.  And she can just pick this up instantly.  Ugh.

Mr. Kadam orders them a bunch of mountaineering gear for Kelsey.  We get an entire paragraph just listing different clothing items (branded, of course).

Anyway, Mr. Kadam has something to give to Kelsey--a book called Lost Horizon by James Hilton.

Note: this is a novel.  It's fiction.

Kelsey says she's never heard of it, and Mr. Kadam asks if she's heard of Shangri-La.

"Well, yeah.  As in special nightclubs in old Hollywood movies?  I think there might even be a casino in Las Vegas by that name."

BEEP BOOP I AM HUMAN

Mr. Kadam says that he thinks he's found a connection between the prophecy and the book.  Kelsey grabs Kishan and then goes back to Mr. Kadam for...more exposition!  Fuck!!!

Mr. Kadam explains the premise of Lost Horizon--basically, it's about a utopian society where people live long, peaceful lives.  It's set in the Kunlun Mountains, which are also part of the Himalayas.  So, of course, that must mean that they're trying to find Shangri-La!

Hey, Houck?  The Himalayas are a massive mountain range.  You've already set up that your characters are going to Lhasa and Mount Everest, right?

Nowhere even close to each other.

Pro tip for anyone plotting things out that this series fails so hard at: don't use your first idea, and then try to force everything you come up with later to fit.  If you're planning on setting your story in the Himalayas, and have already established that you're going to Mount Everest, you can't just shove in everything you can find that references the Himalayas.  If you're dead-set on using Lost Horizon and going to Shangri-La, you also can't just shove in everything you can find that references the Himalayas.  You have to actually sit down and use your brain to come up with a way to justify using both, or pick one.  Or none of them.

Mr. Kadam references the fact that Shangri-La was invented for the purposes of Lost Horizon, and that it's based on the Tibetan myth of Shambhala.  As expected, Mr. Kadam is kind of right, and the real story is actually a lot more applicable than we get to see in the story.  Shambhala isn't just Tibetan--it's a shared Buddhist and Hindu story (yes, in Tibet, but also in India and China), and is the birthplace of the future Buddha, as well as the birthplace of Kalki, an aspect of Vishnu.

But that would make too much sense and require effort.  So, yeah, they're going to Shangri-La, the entrance to which is near Mount Everest.

Then, keeping with tradition, Houck barrages my brain with every single mythological reference to a paradise to distract me from the fact that none of this makes sense or is even relevant.  I've gotten wise to this game, and it doesn't work on me anymore.

"The myth is fascinating.  Do you know this book [Lost Horizon] draws upon several famous cities and their stories?  There are ties to the Holy Grail, the Fountain of Youth, El Dorado, the City of Enoch, and Hyperborea of the Greeks.  All of those accounts are similar to the story of Shangri-la.

"In every story the people are searching for something that will grant immortality or a land that holds a perfect society.  [Because those two things are totally similar...]  Even the Garden of Eden has many comparable themes--the tree, the snake, a paradise, beautiful gardens.  Many have searched for such places and never found them."

Hey, that's not proof that where you're going is Shangri-La!  You just said that this book is a work of fiction in-universe!  That doesn't mean it's right about all this!

Look, I'd be more accepting of the idea that these can all be connected like this if the series was built around an "all myths are descended from a single supernatural thing," but that's not what this is!  What we've seen so far is a one-to-one translation from Hindu/Buddhist mythology (or at least an attempt at a one-to-one translation, because as I've written about before, a lot of it isn't even accurate).  We haven't gotten to the nonsense coming up yet (oh boy, just wait), but that's also a one-to-one translation!

I get the appeal of an "all myths are true" universe, but you have to do the legwork for this to make sense from the beginning.  It would be like if Percy Jackson just started talking about going to the underworld, which is located in a specific place because a dude wrote a fictional story that mentioned Hell.  It makes NO SENSE.

Kelsey asks if anyone has come close to finding Shangri-La, because I guess we're taking the words of a fictional novel from the thirties as gospel now.

"No.  Not that people haven't tried.  I came across an interesting piece of information, in fact.  It seems that Adolf Hitler believed that Shangri-la held the key to the perfect ancient master race.  He even sent a group led by Ernst Schafer on an expedition to Tibet in search of it in 1938."

Hitler???

It is true that Hitler sponsored an expedition to Tibet, but he wasn't literally searching for Shangri-La, like Mr. Kadam suggests.  Hitler believed that if he could find the original Aryan race, he could basically purify the current Aryan race to remove any traces of other bloodlines.  Also, WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING.  WHY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT HITLER?

Mr. Kadam, oblivious to the fact that this was a fucking insane thing to end a conversation with, gives Kelsey Lost Horizon and says that they'll probably leave by the end of the week, because it's not like time is of the essence or anything. Seriously, they've just been chilling for, like, an entire month.

Kelsey is nervous to go on the next step of the quest:

I'd been through some scary experiences the last time we did this, but I'd always had Ren with me.  I fought with him half the time and kissed him the other half, but despite all the emotional turmoil associated with that, I always felt safe.  I knew he'd protect me from the evil monkeys and the Kappa.

Kelsey literally died because of the Kappa.  She only survived because of some weird deus ex serpens power that Fanindra had.  Ren did a bad job.

Now that a new adventure loomed before me, I wanted Ren with me so desperately my insides felt desperately hollow.

I wrote a very dirty joke in the margins about Kelsey wanting to Ren to fill her up, but I won't share it because it's gross.

Kelsey summarizes the next few days spent trying to find leads on Ren.  It's too awkward to talk to Kishan about it, so she doesn't (what happened to being forthright and not afraid to speak your mind, hmm, Kelsey?) and Mr. Kadam feels guilty about not being able to find him, so she gives up trying to ask him.  She also summarizes that she hasn't spoken to Kishan about his confession for the last couple of days.  I keep saying "summarizes" because this whole section is written like this:

Kishan and I didn't speak about his feelings for me.  It was a little awkward at first between us, but we both doggedly ignored the subject until our relationship became easier.

Gee, sure would have been nice to, I don't know, see this happening, because it's a major part of the relationship between two of our main characters!  But that's hard to write, so we just skip over it.

They keep training together, and Kelsey begins to "like him more and more."  They're similar, but they're also different.

His thoughts were insightful.  He was also hard on himself and felt immense shame and self-recrimination over our situation.

Hey, Houck?  WE KNOW THIS ALREADY!  This is what they talked about during his confession to Kelsey!  What is it with this book with showing and then telling right afterwards?  I hate it.  Also, again, this would have been nice to see, but it's hard to write.  So we skip it.

Kelsey apparently calls him Ren a couple of times on accident, which he brushes off.  She can tell it makes him uncomfortable, though.  This is, again, summarized.

You know how I've been complaining pretty much non-stop that this book is taking too long with meaningless filler, and how I wished it would just get to the point?  Well, now it's going way too fast! This stuff is important because it's about our viewpoint character's relationship with the other major characters.  And, more importantly, there's some actual conflict going on here--Kishan is in love with Kelsey, who is in love with Ren, but they're also friends.  How do they navigate this?  This would actually be interesting to read!  Cut out all the garbage about wushu and dating a bunch of guys and focus on this, because this is actually important to the characters.

Ugh.

Anyway, at the end of the week, they head out in the Jeep.  Mr. Kadam gives her and Kishan some fake papers/passports, because they're traveling through multiple other countries.  Kelsey's passport is marked K.H. Khan and uses a picture of her from high school.  Instead of being a normal person and worrying about being discovered with fake papers, Kelsey says, "Talk about a bad hair day."  Which is dumb.

It takes them a couple of days to drive to Nepal, which is skimmed over in a sentence shorter than this one.  Guess it wasn't that exciting.

Mr. Kadam had to go through a long process of paperwork at the border and said that we had to show proof of the Carnet De Passage En Douane--a customs document that granted us permission to temporarily import our vehicle into Nepal.

This doesn't get the tone of voice across, but rest assured, it's very scathing.

What pointless information!

After we settled into a hotel, we left Kishan to nap, while Mr. Kadam took me on a rickshaw to see the Birganj clock tower.

They're sightseeing????  The stakes have never been lower.

Also, that's all we get to hear about the Birganj clock tower, which means this was entirely pointless, and does more bad than good!

Also, it's called the "Birgunj" clock tower.

Just in case you feel like you're missing out.

Then they eat dinner at the hotel, and rest assured, we get a list of every single thing they order.  Oh, how I missed pointless food description.  Kishan eats a lot of food, because Houck is willing to die on this hill.

The next day, they drive to Bhaktapur.  They stop in a market for a while, because again, Ren getting tortured?  Boring, let's go shopping, baby!

Anyway.  Vatsala Durga Temple is here in Bhaktapur.  It has a couple of stone lions out front (which I accidentally typed as "loins," and I'm not sure I want to read about giant stone loins) and a bell.

Boom.

Kelsey points out that she didn't have to wear her anklet, because there's a bell right there.  Mr. Kadam is evidently still in Exposition Mode.

"Yes.  It's called the Taleju Bell.  It's made of bronze, and it rests on the temple's plinth.  Would you like to hear the story of the bell?"

NO!!!!!!

Kelsey says, "Sure," so Mr. Kadam launches into more useless exposition.  Kill me now.

It's nicknamed the Barking Bell.  Legend has it that a king who lived nearby kept having nightmares of dog-like creatures attacking his people.

"Dog-creatures?  Sounds like werewolves."

"It's very possible."

IN WHAT WAY, MR. KADAM???  Werewolves are a German thing!  What the fuck is even happening anymore!!!

Anyway.  The only way to scare the creatures away in the dream was to ring a bell.  So the king made a bell.  That's literally the whole story.

"That's a good story."

I beg to differ, Kelsey.

There's a bunch of people milling around the temple, so Mr. Kadam talks about history and religious wear.  Thankfully, we're spared hearing about this.

"Mr. Kadam, you are like a walking encyclopedia on every subject imaginable."

I know, and it's terrible.  He's not a character, he's Google.  Actually, more like AskJeeves.  Ha, remember AskJeeves?

Mr. Kadam thanks her and tells her to let him know if she ever gets bored.

"If I ever become bored," I said with a laugh, "I'll let you know."

I'm bored right now!  Make it stop!

Kishan puts his arm around her and says that he'd never make her bored, which just screams of desperation to me.  Also, I thought they were still being awkward around each other?  They haven't had a conversation about it, so I have no idea why this has changed.

Anyway, they plan to come back at dusk, and it literally sounds like Mr. Kadam had to bribe someone to let them in after dark.  Because having to sneak in would be exciting, and we can't have that.

Scene break!  They come back later, with a whole bunch of potential offerings representing air and some fruit.  Mr. Kadam hands Kelsey Fanindra, which I can only assume means that Kelsey literally forgot about her god-given snake friend and would have just left her behind.  I thought they were friends now?

They head in, and there's a huge statue of Durga.  Kelsey gives Kishan a quick rundown of what she and Ren did before, and they lay out their offerings and Kelsey rings her anklet.  Since both she and Ren said something to Durga before, they do the same thing here.  Kelsey asks for her blessing, and Kishan says that he doesn't deserve a blessing, and only asks Durga to protect Kelsey.  Then he turns into a tiger, which starts off a wind inside the temple, blowing dust around.

The wind is really strong, and Kishan has to dig his claws into the ground to not get blown away.  I have no idea what Kelsey is doing during this, because she isn't a tiger.  Also, I have no idea how Kishan is able to dig his claws into the floor because it's made of marble.  This doesn't make sense.

Anyway, a handprint appears on the wall just like last time, so Kelsey activates it, which spins the wall around so that they're facing the statue.  I think I've seen something like this in fucking Scooby Doo.

Durga's awake, and greets the two of them.  She says that their offerings were accepted.  Woo.

Kishan is just busy staring at her.  Durga congratulates Kelsey on getting the Golden Fruit, and asks who Kishan is, since she's expecting to see Ren.  Kishan says that he's also a tiger, which Durga thinks is funny (?) I think.  She laughs, so, uh.  I got nothing.  She also says hi to Fanindra and lets her know that she wants her to stay with Kelsey for a little longer.

Kelsey asks if Durga can help them find Ren, and Durga says that because her time is limited she can only help them with the quest they're on.  Kelsey says that the whole point of breaking the curse is to help Ren.  I guess Kishan is pretty meaningless, then.  Alright.

She stretched out a soft hand to my cheek and caught a glistening teardrop.  I watched as it hardened and became a twinkling diamond sitting on top of her fingertip.  She gave it to Kishan, who was delighted with the gift.

lmao what

Durga says that the quest helps "all of India," so it's important that she completes it anyway.  Um, how does this help all of India, exactly?  We still haven't been given enough information as to what the curse even is, and I legitimately can't tell how it helps.  I guess they're defeating Lokesh, but Lokesh isn't doing anything to hurt India from what I've seen.  He just really has a grudge against the tigers.  And he wants power/money, which he already has.

Anyway, Durga says that she'll be helping him if she gets the next MacGuffin, and not to let it fall into the hands of the bad guys or it would be Bad.  She also says that the Golden Fruit will help them out on the next leg of their quest.  Kelsey asks what the "airy prize" is, and Durga points to the back of the room.  There's an old lady back there weaving on a loom.

After a moment, I asked, "Grandmother, what are you weaving?"

Why is Kelsey talking like this now?  This is very formal, almost stilted fantasy lingo.  Kelsey never talks like this.

The old woman says that she's weaving the world, and Kelsey says that it's beautiful.  

She cackled, "I use gossamer to make it light, fairy wings to make it sparkle, rainbows to make it iridescent, and clouds to make it soft.  Here, come and feel the fabric."

I grasped Kishan's hand, pulling him closer, and then stretched out my fingers to touch the material.  It tingled and crackled.

"It has power!"

That's Kelsey saying that last line, by the way.  Also, what the actual fuck am I reading right now.

Anyway.  The old woman tells her that the vertical strands are called the warp and the colored strands are called the weft.  The warp threads are strong and plain, but necessary for the weft to cling to in order to weave.

Do you get the heavy-handed symbolism yet?

"Your tigers cling to you; they need you.  Without you, they would blow away in the winds of the world."

Yes, thanks, I got that before you had to explain it.

Anyway.  The old woman gives Kelsey the cloth, and tells her that it can "collect, craft, and cloak."  She also says to trust Durga, because Durga can see the whole picture, while Kelsey can only see a small piece.

"Don't allow yourself to become disheartened when the thread doesn't suit or seems unsightly to you. Wait and watch.  Be patient and devoted.  As the threads twist and turn, you will begin to understand, and you will see the pattern finally materialize in all its splendor."

I.e., don't do anything because things will just work out!  What a great message!

Kelsey kisses her on the cheek, and the old woman starts weaving again, dematerializing until all they can hear is the loom, and then nothing.  I would think this was effective imagery, except for the fact that this is literally just what the Cheshire Cat does.

Durga gives them another gift, too!  She gives Kelsey a bow and arrow.  Which means all that nonsense about swords is finally proved to be pointless!  Also, this was written during the Hunger Games phase when every other character used a bow and arrow because it was Cool.  So Kelsey does too.

Durga tells Kishan that she's giving him something.

He bowed deeply and grinned rakishly at her.  "I will gladly accept anything you offer me, my beautiful goddess."

I rolled my eyes at him.  Sheesh.

In a perfect world, this would result in Durga obliterating Kishan.  But this isn't a perfect world, so she just thinks it's cute.

Durga gives Kishan a golden discus, which is a very Greek word for something that's called a chakrum.  He kisses her hand, and Kelsey has to point out that she doesn't feel jealous.  Sure.

Kelsey asks if there's anything that Durga can tell them about Shangri-La, and Durga says to beware the four houses, because they're meant to test them.  This isn't helpful, because this is literally spelled out in the prophecy.  Durga also says to use what they've learned.  Which is, uh, what, exactly?  I have no idea what they're supposed to have learned so far.  Durga says that the MacGuffin will help them escape and find "the one you love," and then she freezes back into a statue.

Kelsey says, "Drat!" which is almost as bad as "Gads."

Anyway, Kishan is starstruck from meeting Durga.  And you know what this whole scene is reminiscent of?  The Fellowship meeting Galadriel!

Seriously, this whole scene seems almost directly ripped from that.  They're down one party member--Gandalf and Ren--and then they go meet this ultra powerful immortal woman who gives them some useful items to use on their quest (including fabric that they can use to disguise themselves, just like the cloaks from Lothlorien!).  One person is enamored by the ultra powerful immortal woman and receives an extra special gift from her out of the goodness of her heart--the three hairs from Galadriel, and the diamond from Durga.  Except the scene in Lord of the Rings is good because the interaction between Gimli and Galadriel is interesting, while here...Kishan thinks Durga is hot?

I snickered, "Yeah.  So what is it with you and unattainable women anyway?"

Holy shit, Kelsey has just gone from being an idiot to being an actively cruel character.  She knows that this bothers Kishan, because she's been telling us how much it bothers him since she got to India!  He becomes visibly uncomfortable, and tries to play it off like a joke.

The light faded from his eyes, and he visibly withdrew into himself.  He grimaced.  "Yes.  You're right, Kelsey."  He laughed at himself dryly.  "Maybe I can find a support group."

I giggled but then became sad.  "I'm sorry, Kishan.  That wasn't very nice of me to say."

No, it wasn't, you sociopath!  She and Ren are just perfect for each other.

Kishan forgives her, because he's the Love Interest of this book.  He says to remember that he's the weft to her warp.  And I know I've been directly quoting a lot from this chapter, but that's because the writing is just exceptionally bad this time.

"Yeah.  Not too flattering for me, eh?"

"You're a beautiful warp."

"Hmm, I don't think my warp drive is operating within normal parameters."

He tilted his head, confused.  "What's a warp drive?"

I winced.  "Sorry.  Dad was a Trekkie.  I couldn't resist."

"A Trekkie?"

"I've got to introduce you to Star Trek.  It's a television series and not one but several movies.  You may like it."  I mumbled, "Too bad Scottie can't beam us out of this crazy life, huh?"

Kishan's brows knit together in confusion.  He had no idea what I was talking about.

These jokes are clearly not landing, Kelsey, so stop trying.  Also, this is the lazy kind of nerd reference humor.  Also, the last two sentences are completely redundant, once again showing us and then telling us right after!  It's bad!!

Kelsey says that they should go find Mr. Kadam (after name-dropping E.T. for...some reason...), and Kishan calls her "my lovely" because consistent characterization is haaaard.  Seriously, I have no idea why he's okay with this, even when he wasn't okay with Kelsey poking fun at him about it.

She says that flirting with her like that doesn't work on her (I beg to differ re: Ren), and he says that he'll keep trying until he finds something that does.

"Don't hold your breath, Casanova."

"Who's Casanova?"

"Never mind."

And again!  But this one is much snappier and much less annoying.

The moon sets and all of a sudden the temple is all dirty again, because Magic, I guess.  The chapter ends before they go find Mr. Kadam, and I'm not sure why it's left as a cliffhanger, because they are in absolutely zero danger.  There's not even a ticking clock (well, there is, but they're completely ignoring it), so it's dumb.

Closing Thoughts

Hoo boy.  Let this be a lesson--just because you can make a connection to a myth doesn't mean that you should.  Throwing in the whole kitchen sink as a ginormous infodump is not fun to read, and it somehow delegitimizes the stuff that actually makes sense because it looks like you're grasping at conspiracy theory straws to make people believe you.  Especially when one of those things is Nazis.

Durga is still a boring character and exists to just give the characters powerful items that they don't have to work for.  Ren has been forgotten as our characters go sightseeing at clock towers and going shopping at random markets.  Oh, and just hanging out at home for a month before you start your quest for no reason.

Next time, Chapter Fourteen: The Friendship Highway!  It's another fucking filler chapter!!  Fuck!!!