Chapter 3: Phet

Hello, and welcome back to our irregularly scheduled nonsense!

Last time, we had mostly filler.  But it was at least filler taking place on the way to things happening in the near future, so I'm not incredibly annoyed by it.  By the time this happened in Tiger's Quest, we were like...twelve chapters in.

But anyway.  Quick recap--Ren's mysterious amnesia is accompanied by a physical reaction to Kelsey that triggers a need to escape (at least when he's a human), and Kelsey & Co. are on their way to see Phet, the racist problematic wise mentor of the series.

Also, fun fact!  I had most of this spork written up before Blogger decided to delete the entire thing!  I'm talking, like, about 85% of the chapter.  I'm very annoyed about that.  Now I'm gonna have to try to recreate it.  If I seem extra annoyed by this chapter, that's why.

So that's the reason for the delay!  Sorry.

Chapter Three: Phet

Oh, boy.  I can't wait for Phet to come back.

Anyway, the trio sets out towards Phet's house in the morning.  Kishan goes off into the jungle to change, because always remember that we must remain Chaste and Pure in the series where the villain's main motivation is to kidnap, rape, and impregnate the protagonist.  Anyway, Kelsey still feels awkward being alone around Ren, which is understandable.

I wasn't really sure how to talk to him.  This is who Ren was before me.

Ren is literally exactly the same as he was before losing his memories, with the exception being that he's not pawing all over Kelsey at every chance he gets, mainly because it's physically impossible.  His character is I D E N T I C A L.

Seriously, how has Ren changed at all?  We've seen evidence of Kishan warming up to other people (even if that boils down to wanting to boink Kelsey), but how has Ren changed to merit this kind of comment?  Kelsey's literally spent the entire last couple of chapters talking about how ~haaard~ it is that Ren is basically the same person, just one that doesn't know who she is.  He's still relaxed, and thoughtful, and all the other informed characteristics he got from the first two books, and we know this because Kelsey told us this in the last couple of chapters.  He still likes to play music and read poetry and badly quote Shakespeare.  The ONLY difference is that he can't make out with her anymore.

Which, fine, whatever.  I'm just saying that it's the least interesting way to go about writing an amnesia plot if you really want to do that.  It's boring!  And when Kelsey starts complaining about how ~different~ he is now, it rings really hollow because, well, that's not what's happening!

She does go into some detail (by telling us instead of actually showing us anything, of course) about how he's different.  Kelsey's main complaint seems to be that he's less confident and sure of himself.  She does point out that he doesn't write poetry or play guitar as much, and seems pretty apathetic about the curse.

Hey, Houck?  This isn't describing someone who's lost "conviction" or "self assurance" or whatever.  This sounds like Ren is depressed.  Like, clinically depressed.

Which could have been an interesting route to take!  But even though that's what it looks like in the subtext, I do not think that this is what Houck is going for.  Mainly because Houck has never heard of subtext in her life--if she intended Ren to be depressed, rest assured that there would be at least three conversations about it.  Like, look at how she handled the PTSD comment earlier--Kelsey brought it up as an option, and Ren quickly dismissed it as ridiculous, and we never hear about it again.  So, yeah, I don't think this is what Houck is trying to do, because it's actually some good writing (showing instead of telling) for once.

So, yeah, assuming that Ren isn't depressed (which, again, I really don't think Houck intended), what exactly is Kelsey's complaint here?  That he still acts like himself, but not as much?  That's just so boring!

Kelsey asks if Ren is going to change clothes too, and Ren says that he's going to be a tiger all day.  Kelsey literally asks him why and can't grasp the fact that, uh, it's pretty obvious why he'd want to be a tiger.  They literally had a conversation in the last chapter that it doesn't hurt him to be around her as a tiger.  Even if that's not what Ren means (I think he's talking about how he doesn't like to see her and Kishan getting all buddy-buddy, because Ren is a spoiled brat), it would be perfectly reasonable to think that this is what he's talking about!

Seriously, I don't get the point of making Kelsey this dense.  It's not endearing, and I hate all of it.  Assuming it's even intentional, which it probably isn't.

Anyway, Kelsey asks why Ren wants to be a tiger, but they're interrupted by Kishan coming back.  He's soaking wet from bathing in a stream, which he only did to give Kelsey a chance to (drumroll) complain about how she's dirty!  Kishan tells her that she can take a bath at Phet's.

Uh, how does Kishan know that this is an option?  He wasn't there when they met Phet last time.

They head off, and Ren rubs up against Kelsey's leg on the way.

The thought occurred to me that Ren might be more comfortable as a tiger, much as Kishan had been for all those years.

Or, and hear me out, being a tiger around you doesn't cause indescribable pain.  You know, like he already told you.

They make it to Phet's place in the early evening, and they see him working on his garden outside.

Before I even called out a greeting, I heard him holler, "Hallo, Kahlsee.  Joyous meetings happen with you!"

Fuck.  It's worse than I remembered.

They all greet each other.  Phet seems pleased to see Kelsey:

"Ah!  My flower grows hardy and strong."

I hate Phet so much.

Phet hugs Kelsey and starts eyeing Kishan, because this is the first time they've met.  Phet grabs Kishan's head and looks into his eyes.

"Ah, I see.  Deep eyes.  Many colors there.  The father of many."

Kelsey is shocked by this, and Kishan blushes.  She asks what Phet meant, and Kishan says that he has no idea and that Phet is probably crazy anyway.

I pressed, "What?  What is it?  Wait a minute.  You're not already a father, are you?  Did you and Yesubai--"

"No!"

"Huh.  I've never seen you look so disconcerted before.  There's something you're not telling me.  Well, doesn't matter.  I'll weasel it out of you sooner or later."

He...he ALREADY TOLD YOU IN THE LAST BOOK WHEN HE TOLD YOU ABOUT HIS WEIRD MAGICAL VISION OF YOU HOLDING A BABY THAT HE THINKS IS HIS!

This isn't new information!  She already knows that Kishan saw a vision of the future and thought he saw his baby with Kelsey!

Kelsey is so stupid.  This series is stupid.

Phet chanted singsong, "Crazy, crazy.  Laisy, daisy," then hummed happily as he ducked into his hut.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure we've dipped our toes into actual racism here.

Also, this seems to be in response to Kishan calling him crazy before, but its' so far removed from that actually happening that it makes no sense.  There's an entire conversation that happens in between!  It's not often that a joke that's written down can have poor timing, but Houck somehow provides.

Ren tells Kishan that Phet isn't crazy, and quotes some Shakespeare at Kelsey: "Better a witty fool than a foolish wit."  This makes no fucking sense, because Phet is neither a fool nor a wit, and even if he was, Ren just called him a fool (i.e., crazy) despite the fact that he just said he's not crazy.

Kelsey shoots back with, "When the fool speaks, the wise man listens."  Okay, Kelsey definitely just called Phet a fool.  I mean, I agree, but that's definitely not the vibe Houck is trying to go for with the whole "sage old mentor" thing.

They head inside, Kishan pushing her through the door by her waist (which, rude) and Kelsey gets the feeling that he's trying to prove something.  But what could it be?  I mean, it's obviously Kishan rubbing in the fact that he can touch Kelsey while Ren can't, but Kelsey is too dense to realize it.  Guh.

Phet serves them dinner and talks some more.  Great.  He said he knew they were coming and Kelsey asks how he knew.

"Birds glimpse the whole lot.  Birds are knowing many thing.  Say two tigers smitten.  Only one garl."  He laughed uproariously and then smiled and patted my cheek happily.  "Be-u-ti-full flower captivate many.  Beforehand petite bud.  Now bud is ajar, half-blossom.  Next, the rounded bloom come into flower.  Then the perfect bloom and flower life complete."

I hate Phet so much.  Also, seriously, what the hell is he talking about?  Puberty???

Kelsey asks if she can take a bath after dinner, and Phet says that she can while he talks to the tigers.

Kishan apparently tries to hang back while Kelsey undresses to bathe (because all of the men in this series are Incorrigible Perverts), so Phet scolds him and drags him outside.  Kelsey listens into their conversation while she bathes.  This conversation is conveniently in English despite all three people talking being able to speak Hindi and one of them being barely able to speak English.

Anyway, he scolds them for not taking care of "fragile flower."  Basically, he's yelling at them for fighting over Kelsey.  Kelsey is, predictably, completely oblivious to this fact:

He sure is raking the guys over the coals about his flowers.  Funny, I didn't notice any flowers, I thought and sank lower into the tub.

Holy shit, Kelsey, Phet just had a conversation where he called you a flower.  Her brain is so swollen from all those concussions she can barely function.

So, yeah.  I think Kelsey's amnesia is worse than Ren's.

She enjoys the bath, but when she remembers Kishan's milk bath comment from the last chapter, she blushes.  When she's finished, she uses the scarf to make some towels and pajamas.  The shirt of the PJs reads "I ❤ TIGERS" and there's a cartoon graphic of a white tiger and black tiger sleeping on the front.  She's annoyed because she doesn't remember asking the Scarf to make it that way.

Well, this gives us some actual insight into how the Scarf functions!  It does work by building things from your thoughts, which is what I speculated in the last book.  Remember that I immediately dismissed this theory because the first thing they made with it was a parachute--something neither character was familiar with or had even seen up close before.  So even knowing how the Scarf works, it's not consistent.  Awesome.

Ren and Kishan slink back in after their scolding.  Phet asks how she feels, and Kelsey says, "Yes.  I feel 100 percent better."  I know this is largely a stylistic thing, but why is 100 written out like this in dialogue?  It's not as bad as the "WWII" thing from the last book, but it still looks really funky.

Anyway, Kelsey uses the Fruit to make them a snack--the fairy tea party from Shangri-la (thanks for reminding me of that, Houck).  Phet digs in and says that it's been a long time since he's been to Shangri-la.

Wait, what?  Phet's been to Shangri-la?  When?  Why??  This is the one time I actually want some exposition, and I don't get it!  Kelsey just asks Phet why he wanted to see them and if he can help Ren.

Phet says he's not sure if he can, but he'll know by the morning.

Wait, that's how a normal person would say it.  Instead, Phet says, "Phet long time thinking this.  Fix maybe or maybe not.  Tomorrow best time looking tiger's eyes."

Gee, I sure do love it when I have to translate every line of dialogue from this fucking guy.

Actually, this kind of character trait can be handled pretty well.  There's a character named Telemain in The Enchanted Forest Chronicles who speaks almost exclusively in magical jargon that's really hard to parse through.  Thing is, the series is meant to be comedic, and there's always a character in the scene to call him out for being unintelligible and get him to speak normally.  Also, Telemain is a likable character who just gets really excited about magic and can't help himself but launch into really technical explanations, since he's spent basically his entire life as a grad student.

Here, I just hate Phet.  So much.

Kelsey asks why he needs to look into Ren's eyes, and Phet says in a really long-winded and broken-English-y way that the eyes are the window to the soul.  When Kelsey asks if that's what he means, he says she's really smart--er, sorry, "vastly quick."

See, that's the other thing I like about Telemain is that the main characters never get patted on the back for figuring out what he means.  People just tell him to simplify things, because it's really annoying to try to figure out what he's trying to say, especially when it's something important!  Also, it's not written in horrifically offensive broken English!

Kelsey asks if he wants the weapons Durga gave them, and he says that the time will be better in the morning.  Tonight, he wants to see Durga's gifts--the Fruit and the Scarf.

Except, uh.  The weapons are the gifts, because they are what Durga actually gave Kelsey.  She didn't give the Fruit or the Scarf to her--there are two entire books about their quests to go get them.

God, this series is so stupid.

Kelsey fishes the Fruit out of her bag:

It will be hard to give them up.  They do come in handy.  Having the Fruit means I have to carry around a lot less as we walk through weeks of jungle, plus we don't have to eat power bars all the time."

"I don't want to give them up because then I would be slightly inconvenienced.  And we can't have that."

She sets the Fruit and the Scarf on the table, and Phet starts to sing over them and chant softly.  They react spectacularly to him, which means that they just change colors and get really sparkly.  Okay, that was...weird.

Phet says that it's been a long time since he's seen the gifts, and--

Wait, what?  Phet's seen these before?  How?  When?  They've all been in their realms since, like, forever, right?  Like, Hanuman supposedly took the Fruit and had it the entire time it's existed, right?

Again, the only time I actually want exposition.  I don't get any.

Phet gives the Fruit and the Scarf back to Kelsey in order to help them on the rest of their journey.  Because we gotta make things as easy as possible for the protagonists, remember.

Phet has a couple of other things to give them before they leave.  He mixes up a medicine/potion thing, and gives it to Kishan to drink.  Kishan points out that Ren's the one with the problem, and Phet insists that it's for Kishan.  Kishan asks what it does, and Phet answers with nonsense.  It's supposed to sound wise, but I know what it does because I've read the book.  It's nonsense.

Kishan asks if he has to drink it, and Phet says that he always has a choice and doesn't have to if he doesn't want to.  So Kishan drinks it.

In almost a carbon copy of this scene.

Kelsey asks Phet what the drink was (again), and Phet says that it's soma, which surprises Ren and Kishan.

"What's soma?" I asked.

Ren turned to me.  "Soma is the Hindu version of ambrosia.  It's the drink of the gods.  In the modern world soma is also a hallucinogenic."

"Oh."

Phet grunted.  "My soma no dream."

"Does that mean he becomes a god?" I asked Phet.

The brothers were staring at Phet too.

He just shrugged his shoulders.  "Phet not know everything, only some thing.  Now gift other one."

I legitimately have no idea what's going on.  And no, why would eating the food of the gods turn you into a god?  That makes no sense.

Now it's Ren's turn for a gift.  Ren sits him down and gets out a jar of pink goo, which he rubs into Ren's hair.  Ren stands up right away, presumably because how dare someone mess with his sexy hair, but Phet yells at him to sit back down.  So Phet smears goop into his hair, which Kelsey thinks is a funny image.  Ren asks what it does, but Phet ignores him and tells him to sleep in it and he'll see results in the morning.

Kelsey makes a towel and cleans the excess goop off of his shoulders out out of his hair in a weirdly...sensual scene that goes on for like a whole page.  She sees everyone looking at her and she blushes.  Phet sends them off to bed--Kelsey gets the house, the tigers sleep outside, and "Phet," he grinned, "with Scarf."

I really don't want to know what he's going to do with that Scarf.

The next morning, Kelsey wakes up to Phet making breakfast.  She asks where Ren and Kishan are, and Phet says they're bathing in a river outside.  Phet takes Kelsey's hand, and her henna tattoo starts glowing.

"Hmm.  Ah.  Hmm."

Hmmmm

HmmMMMMmmmm...

Phet looks into Kelsey's eyes and--here's a huge suprise--tells us things we already know!  He says that she's really sad and asks why.

"What's my damage?"  I laughed dryly.  "It's mostly emotional.  I love Ren, and he doesn't remember me.  Kishan loves me, and I don't know what to do about that.  It's one of those awful love triangles in which no one is happy."

OH GOD SHE'S BECOMING SELF-AWARE

Then Phet gives Kelsey relationship advice.  This goes on for a really long time, in a really over-wrought water metaphor.  

"Love resembling water.  Water on all sides of us everywhere.  Ice, river, cloud, rain, ocean.  Some is big, some is tiny.  Some good drink, some too salty.  Every one usefulness for earth.  For all time be in motion cycle.  Necessitate water to endure.  Woman like earth; need immerse water.  Water with earth sculpt each other, grow.

"Earth change for river, make waterway.  Lake bed know how to hold water in basin, all contain.  Ice water is glacier; move earth.  Rain make mudslide.  Ocean make sand.  Always two: earth and water.  Need each other.  Become one together.  You be required to choose.  Soon."

Oh, boy.  I love "wise old mentor advice" that makes no fucking sense at all.

First off, he's comparing different relationships to water--basically, there are different types of relationships just like there are different types of water.  The metaphor breaks down completely when he starts talking about how she's like the earth.  The earth needs all of these different kinds of water to support life.  But then he tells Kelsey that she has to choose one, which is what he just finished explaining doesn't work in his metaphor.

Also, gotta indoctrinate those young teenage girls reading this drivel that she's incomplete unless she's in a relationship.

Kelsey asks what happens if she makes the wrong choice.  Phet says that there isn't a wrong choice, and that her choice is correct on the merit of being her choice.  He picks up two pillows and asks if she prefers round or square pillows.  Kelsey says it doesn't matter because they're both pillows.

"You like round?  Choose round.  You like square?  Choose square.  Not matter.  You want sleep, use pillow.  You pick rock?  No!  Pillow is good.  Same water.  You choose ice?  River?  Ocean?  Is all good.  Pick ocean, you change sand.  Pick river, you grow to be silt.  Pick rain, you are garden soil."

T?  What kind of life I want to have?"

"Yes.  Both man put together your life special.  Choose ocean or choose river.  No matter."

See, on the one hand, I kind of like this?  Because it's not the hackneyed "you're destined to be with one of them" thing I see all the time in terrible YA romance?  But on the other hand, this kind of speech requires me to actually, uh, like the options?  Because Ren is an insufferable asshole.  Even if Houck keeps shoving how ~great~ he supposedly is down my throat, I hate him.  So much.  So this kind of speech doesn't really work.

Also, this exact kind of speech is (shocker) handled better in other media.

From The Good Place, which is just very excellent on a lot of levels: "If soulmates do exist, they're not found.  They're made.  People meet, they get a good feeling, and then they get to work building a relationship."

Which is much more succinct.

Kelsey tries to argue, but Phet shuts her down.  He says she's strong, and that she'd be happy with either of them.  Phet says yes, and Kelsey says the only problem with that is that one of them won't be happy.  Phet tells her not to worry and that he still has some help to give the two tigers.

Kelsey asks Kishan if Ren's treatment worked, and Kishan says that it didn't.

Their hair was slicked back and wet.  Ren had gotten all of the pink stuff out.

I smirked, thinking, either that, or it had been absorbed into his brain overnight.

Comedy?  This is what passes for jokes in this series, folks.  I have no idea what's supposed to be funny about that statement.

Kelsey Angsts about making a decision between a) the person she lavishes purple descriptions all over constantly but is a total asshole, or b) the relatively nicer one who never once gets an overwrought description of making out.  This goes on for about a page, and it's really boring.

Look, I just really hate love triangles, okay?

Phet asks to see the weapons, so Kelsey gets out the gada, the chakram, the bow and arrows, and Fanindra.  Well, actually, she hands them to Kishan, who hands them to Phet, but this is just an excuse for Kishan to smile whenever their hands brush together because Shipping.

I smiled back, but my happy expression wavered when I saw Ren quickly look away with disappointment.

Quick question--why is Kelsey describing her own face from a third person perspective when the narration is in first person?

This is a relatively minor point, but it's something I try to keep in mind on the rare occasions that I actually write.  If you're writing in first person or limited third person, it's so, so important to actually stick to that perspective.  You shouldn't describe things from a vantage point that your narrator doesn't have access to.  Since Kelsey is narrating this herself, she shouldn't be able to describe what her expression changing looks like without a mirror present.

Phet hands the weapons back to the person they belong to, and Kelsey asks how he knows whose is whose.  Phet says that Fanindra told him.  Fanindra wakes up, and Phet sings at her, which hypnotizes her.

Jeez, the stereotypes just keep coming.

He hands Fanindra back to Kelsey, who sets her on a round pillow.  Unsatisfied with this relatively subtle bit of writing, Houck makes Kelsey explicitly wonder which one the round pillow represents.

Phet says that he's going to look into Kelsey's eyes, so Kishan goes over to the bed with Kelsey and takes her hand.  Ren shoots him an angry look, and Phet yells at him again to look him in the eye.  After a couple of minutes, Phet says that he can't fix Ren.  Kelsey asks him to explain, and Phet says that Ren is blocking him from being able to fix the memory loss.

Phet sighed.  "Fix it the hurting of knife and cage.  Evil black at this time gone.  But rememberance is jam, have trigger, only white tiger be acquainted with it."

"Okay, to clarify, you were able to fix the PTSD, the pains, and memories of the torture?  All of the trauma of Lokesh is gone now?  Can he still remember it?"

Gee, curing PTSD, a complex mental disorder developed in response to intense trauma, sure is easy!

Fuck this.  I fucking hate it when bad writers just handwave away real mental health issues by going ~MAGIC!~  It's insulting to people who suffer from these issues, and it's insulting to people who work hard to help people get better.  I especially hate it when it literally just exists as a plot point for cheap drama about love triangles, because of course Kelsey is mortally offended that Ren is blocking Phet out.

"Are you saying he's deliberately doing this to himself?  He's blocking his memories of me on purpose?"

Phet nodded.

I gaped at Ren, stunned.  He looked at Phet dumbfounded; then knit his brows together in confusion and stared at his hands.

Holy shit, how did this not get caught in editing?  There are two grammatical errors in that sentence!  There should be a comma before dumbfounded, and that's not how semicolons work!  The phrase after the semicolon has to be a complete sentence!

This book is so fucking bad.

In a tiny voice, I choked out, "Why?  Why would you do this to me?"

WE'VE ALREADY SEEN WHAT HE DID

THIS ISN'T A DRAMATIC REVEAL IF YOU LITERALLY SHOWED US THAT REN TOOK A DEAL FROM DURGA

Look, here was their conversation from the second book:

"I'm always with you.  My thoughts are of you."  He captured a lock of my hair and brought it to his lips.  He inhaled deeply.  "All the time."

"Don't give up!  Not when we're so close!"

His eyes shifted.  "There is an option I could consider."

"What is it?  What option?"

"Durga," he paused, "has offered her protection, but she asks a heavy price.  It's not worth it."

"Anything is worth your life!  Take it!  Don't think twice about it.  You can trust Durga.  Do it!  Whatever the price is, it doesn't matter as long as you survive."  [Holy redundancy, Batman!]

"But, Kelsey."

"Shh."  I pressed a fingertip lightly against his swollen lips.  "Do what you have to in order to survive.  Okay?"

[And then Ren kisses her and he recites more poetry and Kelsey feels their connection break.]

Like?  Am I going insane?  Am I actually losing my mind, or is this incredible easy for anyone with half a brain to figure out?

She runs out into the jungle in tears.  Chapter's over.

Closing Thoughts

Well, assuming Blogger doesn't delete this when I try to post it, that was chapter three!

I've been complaining a lot about how Ren and Kishan both suck, but I've been ignoring my problems with Kelsey in favor of attacking the more obvious character problems.  Kelsey has her own sins that are maybe a little less obvious.

Yeah, I've complained a lot about how Kelsey sucks as a protagonist, but those complaints have been on a narrative level.  She doesn't do the stuff a protagonist should be able to do--so she doesn't fill the role very well.  But that's not her only problem--Kelsey also sucks as a character.

She's so incredibly selfish, all the time.  Houck likes to suck Kelsey's dick by saying that she's so Strong and Kind and Brave, but I have seen no evidence of this in Kelsey's actions.  She constantly complains when things are slightly inconvenient or uncomfortable, she never tells anyone what she's thinking or how she's feeling (not Ren and not Kishan, ever) because that would be haaaard, and she's dumb as a post.  When tragic things happen to other characters, we never see a shred of empathy.  It's always about how the event affects HER.  We saw this when her parents died, we saw this when Ren got captured, and we're seeing it now with Ren's amnesia.  Doesn't Ren see how his PTSD and amnesia THAT I FORCED HIM INTO affects ME?????

And Houck NEVER.  ONCE.  NOTICES THIS.

So, really, Ren is perfect for Kelsey.  I can think of no statement more damning.

Ugh.  Next time, Chapter 4: Prophecy.  We get to hear the prophecy for this book.  Neat.