Chapter 7: The Yacht

Hello, and welcome back to our irregularly scheduled nonsense!

Last time, our main trio wasted time flirting with each other at a poorly-researched festival instead of doing anything productive even though "TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE!"

This chapter is, well, more filler.  Because Houck can't resist writing it.  All I have to say is that at least this filler is at least tangentially related to the Plot even though it's really boring.  It's leagues better than all the nonsense from Tiger's Quest in Oregon--the wushu, all the dating, college--that literally had no impact on anything.

But it's also basically a repeat of that interminable chapter from the first book where Kelsey waxed poetic about how nice Mr. Kadam's private jet is, so it's still a complete waste of space.  At least it's not forty pages long this time and riddled with grammatical errors.  And at least they spend most of the rest of the book actually on the yacht, so it's not as pointless as the plane.

Chapter Seven: The Yacht

Even though Kelsey told us that they'd been busy packing up before the Star Festival so they could leave as soon as possible, they spend the next day lounging around the house doing nothing, because stakes and tension are for losers.  Kelsey leaves her bedroom and Ren is creeping outside of her door, just waiting for her to wake up, I guess.  He asks if she wants to get breakfast with him, and she says she'll make pancakes, because cooking is the woman's job.  Ick.

He blinked.  "Do I like those?"

Why does Ren remember some of the stuff he did with Kelsey, like going to Oregon, but not others, like food he's eaten?  He remembers everything they did with Phet together, so he should still remember what foods he likes if he can still quote all that Shakespeare.

(In a rare positive example I can give of character amnesia, there's a character in the Dragonwatch series who loses his memory in a process that erases his identity.  He still knows what things are, but he no longer has opinions about those things.  It removes a lot of the weird inconsistencies in memory we get with a lot of amnesia subplots.  But that's just because Brandon Mull is actually, like, a good author, and doesn't let the fact that he writes for a younger audience act as a justification for being lazy with his worldbuilding.)

Kelsey makes him some pancakes, because she's a good female protagonist who hangs out in the kitchen, and Ren says that if he didn't love her before he would now, because Man Eat Lots.  He asks if there's anything he could do in return, and Kelsey says that she misses his massages, but that's impossible now.  I mean, he could just wear gloves, because it's skin-to-skin contact that's painful, but Houck didn't think about that, so no one mentions it.  Instead, Kelsey speculates that she could ask Kishan for a massage, which annoys Ren.

Ren set his fork down and frowned at me.  "I don't want Kishan putting his hands on you.  I'll suffer through it."

Oh goody, I get to use this again.

Ren asks point-blank if Kelsey will be his girlfriend again, because Houck thought the conversation in the last chapter about how much Kelsey still loves him was too subtle or something.  Kelsey says that she'll have to let Kishan down easy after ditching him the night before.  She finds him out back using the chakram to chop a tree down, because this is Manly Pain.  Yeah, he's annoyed that Ren and Kelsey seem to be all buddy-buddy again, because how Dare Kelsey express interest in someone else?

Kelsey tries to play both sides, though, because she also sucks.  She says that she was thinking of Ren when she burned the lantern, but she was also thinking about Kishan.

"Thinking of me how?"

I sighed and drew my knees up.  "I guess I thought of you because I knew that if, for some reason, I can't be with Ren that I would choose you."

"So I'm your runner-up?  Your backup plan?"

"I wasn't thinking of it like that.  You're not a second choice, or a wrong choice.  You're a different choice.  I guess it's not so much that I felt as sure of the man as I felt sure of this family.  I belong here.  I'm a part of you."

Instead of telling Kelsey to take a hike for treating him like a toy she can just pick up later whenever she wants him instead of a person, Kishan seems to accept this.  And even if Kelsey claims she doesn't see it like that, he is still a second choice because her first choice is Ren!  Which she just told him!  Saying that he's a "different choice" instead of a "backup plan" means nothing if there's no practical difference in real life.

But no, because Kelsey is Great (and the protagonist), Kishan agrees with her and lets her continue stringing him along while she's actively dating Ren, because all of these characters suck.

Kishan hugs her and Kelsey tries to lay her head on his incredibly sculpted pecs, but her neck twinges.  Kishan offers to massage it for her, and Kelsey says that Ren won't be happy.  So Kishan says that Ren won't find out, and massages her neck anyway.  Good to know that Kelsey also just doesn't care about her boyfriend's feelings (regardless of whether they're justified or not).

They spend the rest of the day wasting valuable time watching movies and feeding popcorn to Tiger!Ren.  Kelsey falls asleep on the couch and wakes up in her own bed because Ren carried her upstairs despite his Angst Pain, because Romance.  Kishan's also hanging out on her veranda in his usual spot.  This mostly does nothing, but I guess it lets the reader know that things are literally back to exactly how they were in Oregon with no interesting character growth, so it's not completely pointless.  It's just that what it does sucks.

Ren wakes Kelsey up early the next morning and lets her know they're going to the yacht.  Kelsey complains about waking up early for like a whole page, which is really irritating.  Ren calls her iadala and Kelsey tells him to use that instead of strimani in the future, so we lose even that signal that things have changed at all.

Like, I get that it's easy to write things that are nice and pleasant, and I get the motivation for writing scenes to make your self insert protagonist comfortable.  But if you're writing a character-driven action/adventure story where one of the love interests gets fucking amnesia, things need to change to make the story worth reading.  It's satisfying and cathartic to watch characters we like go through hardship and succeed!  If nothing changes except the location and whatever MacGuffin they're looking for, it's not a satisfying narrative!  It's just a series of scenes happening in a row!

There's a whole paragraph describing Kishan taking shotgun in the Jeep so Kelsey can sit in the back with Ren.  It's boring.

They talk about the prophecy the entire time until they get to Mumbai.

I think Houck forgot it's a nine-hour drive.

We also don't get to hear any speculation about the prophecy, which is lame when all we have to work on going in is "dragons and badly-researched mythology."

As they drive through Mumbai, Kelsey tells Ren to put his head down, since he's you know, a tiger.  They drive down the dock past progressively larger and larger ships, and Kelsey wonders which one is theirs.  Their yacht is moored in the yacht club, because of course it is.  They finally reach the Deschen, and--

My mouth dropped.  "You own a cruise ship?"

Mr. Kadam laughed.  "Technically, it's called a mega yacht."

NEVER FORGET THAT REN IS RICH AND BETTER THAN YOU

And of course they travel in the lap of luxury on this quest!  Being slightly cramped in a normal boat would be slightly uncomfortable, and we can't have anything that might inconvenience the main character!

Mr. Kadam barfs exposition about the difference between a yacht, a mega yacht, and a giga yacht.  This one's on the higher end for a mega yacht, so it's about 215 feet long.

This is about the same size, so you can make your own judgments on how OTT it is.

Incidentally, in trying to find a picture of a megayacht, for y'all, I found that "megayacht" is one word and Houck has no idea how to research things because she splits it into two words.  Because this book was edited by monkeys!

The rest of the chapter is just a description of how swanky the yacht is.  I guess we meet another character with speaking lines, but since he doesn't add anything to the Plot, it's still kind of pointless.

The mega yacht was glossy and gorgeous.

Ah fuck, here we go.

They park the Jeep inside of the yacht and Mr. Kadam exposits about how to tell the directions on a boat.

"Starboard and port.  Starboard is on your right.  A way for you to remember is to think about Peter Pan."

"Peter Pan?"

"Yes.  Neverland is the second star to the right--star on the right.  Then you'll know port is to your left.  The body of the vessel is called the hull, and the upper edge all around is the gunwale, which you can remember easily because in warships that's where the guns are mounted."

None of this even mattersss, why are we spending all this time talking about boat partsssss

Anyway, the yacht is super fancy, guys.  It has a lounge and a library and a gym and a sundeck and a pool and--

Ugh.  Why do they need all of this?  The boat is literally just a way to get them from Mumbai to Goa, so why does it matter if they can work out in a state-of-the-art gym or swim laps in the pool?

"How many crewmembers are on board?"

"The captain, his assistant, three crewmen, a chef, two maids, and, eventually, our diving instructor."

"Isn't that, you know, a lot of people around?  Can't you drive the boat yourself?  We are doing top secret stuff, remember?  Why do we need a chef when we have the Golden Fruit?"

THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN SAYING SINCE THE FIRST BOOK!

Mr. Kadam brushes off these completely justified questions by saying they've worked for him for a long time, an Nilima's performed a thorough background check.  I mean, it's not like Lokesh has proven that he's willing to kidnap people and torture them for information, and it's completely impossible that Lokesh could manipulate them into giving up information by kidnapping and torturing their loved ones.  

Wait, no, the opposite of that.  Lokesh can and would do all of those things.  Mr. Kadam is an idiot.

"The only newcomer is the diving instructor, but his background has also been checked, and I believe him to be aboveboard."

Geddit because they're on a boat, hurr hurr.  But, ooh, this mysterious diving instructor's been brought up a couple of times.  And it doesn't seem like Mr. Kadam knows him very well, so he could be up to anything!

They have a chef because they need to feed the crew.  This is a lame reason, because Mr. Kadam says that he and Nilima are "fully capable of getting our ship back to shore."  THEN WHY DO YOU HAVE A CREW IN THE FIRST PLACE, MR. KADAM, IF YOU DON'T ACTUALLY NEED THEM?

Anyway, they get up to the bridge to meet the captain.  And if you thought Houck's attempts at writing an Italian or an Indian accent were bad, um...Captain Dixon is Jamaican.

"Ah!  Kadam, my friend.  Is dis de young lady you been tellin' me so much aboot, den?"

OH NO

"You're from Jamaica?"

"Dis is true, Miss Kelsey.  De lovely island of Jamaica is de place I call home, but de sea, she is my wooman, eh?"

OH NOOOOO

Kelsey immediately likes him, which means he's unquestionably Good and Kind and Not A Bad Guy, because that's how things work in terrible YA fiction.

"How far up are we?"

Captain Dixon joined me.  "I believe we be currently aboot fifty feet aboove [sic] de water line.  Come.  Let me show you de wheelhouse."

OH NOOOOOOOOO

I've mentioned this every time a new character shows up who speaks in dialect, but this is...not good.  It doesn't feel consistent, and it turns any character who speaks in dialect into a fucking cartoon character.  You can just say that he speaks in a heavy Jamaican accent!  We would still know to read his dialogue that way without the dialect!

*Sobbing* I hate this book so much, guys.

Captain Dixon shows her around the wheelhouse until Mr. Kadam tells her that they have a lot more to see on the tour.  

We left Captain Dixon behind, as Mr. Kadam took me back down the steps to show me the rest of the deck.  As we walked, he told me more about the ship.

"Her length is 210 feet, 3 inches, with a beam, or width, of 41 feet, 10 inches, and a draft of 12 feet, 5 inches.  She can hold approximately 30,500 gallons of fuel and 7,500 gallons of water and she has two 3,516 horsepower diesel inboard engines.  She can make twenty knots, but usually cruises at sixteen."

Mr. Kadam's dialogue makes me want to die.

They finally reach the ship's lounge, and it's very fancy.

A sofa and two love seats were set back against the wall.  A hatch opened on either side leading back into the interior of the boat, while across from the sofa, there was a semicircle of cushioned seating in cream and black with a small oval dining table in the center.  It was the perfect setting for a romantic dinner under the stars.

The only reason we would need to know this much about the location of the rooms and the furniture and what everything looks like is if this was a murder mystery game like Phoenix Wright or Danganronpa.

A body has been discovered!

Also, HAHAHA I THINK HOUCK JUST USED THIS PICTURE I FOUND OFF OF GOOGLE IMAGES TO DESCRIBE THE INTERIOR OF THE YACHT

The sundeck of the yacht has a movie theater, because of course it does.

A level down is the observation deck.   It has an interior (?) pool with a fountain in it, because of course it does.  It also has a fully-equipped gym and a juice bar for some reason.

The deck below is where all the crew cabins are located, and they're not allowed up to the main deck without permission so they can't see the tigers.  Yeah, this also means that they have no idea what they've been hired to do, which involves going to a fantasy land with multiple dragons in it, as well as a very real Lokesh who's actively pursuing them.  Which makes Mr. Kadam doubly responsible if anything actually happens to them.

This is also where the laundry room and kitchen is, just in case you were wondering.  It's not important, but there you go.

Mr. Kadam shows her how to get to the dry garage where they parked the Jeep, and then shows her the wet garage.  It's full of water skis and wave runners, as well as a couple smaller boats.  Unless I'm completely forgetting something (which is possible), I'm fairly certain that none of the stuff Mr. Kadam shows her in the wet garage even gets used later, so hooray for more unfired Chekhov's guns!

Mr. Kadam then shows her the diving area, which does actually see some use in the story.  Mr. Kadam says he's not sure what any of the equipment does, so they'll have to wait for the mysterious diving instructor to come on board and teach them.  Kelsey says she's not looking forward to diving, because she likes to complain about everything, and Mr. Kadam says that they'll have to see if her lightning power still works underwater.

Hey, why didn't they do that at the house?  Where they were just hanging out for a full week?  Where they have a pool?  That way, if it didn't work, they'd have time to get some weapons to use that would actually be effective.

Then Mr. Kadam shows her to the Main Deck, capital letters and all.  That's where the library is.  Mr. Kadam leaves her with Kishan to get ready to leave, and Kelsey asks if Kishan's been here before.  He says that they were here once before while Kelsey was in Oregon.  He shows her to her room, and she's amazed at how enormous it is, because of course she has the master suite.

A familiar tune was playing overhead.

What's the point of mentioning that a familiar song is playing if you don't actually tell us what the song is?

It's very big and fancy, and all of her stuff has already been put away.  She has her own TV, and she finds her laptop along with some research books and a new iPad sitting on a table in her bedroom.  No, I have no idea why she gets a new iPad out of nowhere, and she never actually uses it.

She asks if they get the Internet on the boat, and Kishan says that they do.

"Is it hard to get that?"

"Not when you own a satellite."

"You own a satellite?  A space one?"

"Yes.  You hungry?"

HOW HAS LOKESH NOT FOUND THEM YET

Kishan asks if she wants to raid the kitchen.

I laughed at the cavalier attitude Kishan displayed regarding his wealth, and said, "Won't that bother the staff?"

Ha ha!  Extravagance and disregard for the the feelings of the lower classes is so funny!

He says that they can find something, and they head off to sneak food from the kitchen, instead of, uh, using their magical food-creating plot device.  That's the end of the chapter.

Closing Thoughts

Yeah, this is a short one this time!  That's because most of it was excessive descriptions of the inside of the boat, which I could mercifully skim over.

I know I keep calling a lot of chapters pointless.  And that's because they are.  But this one is especially pointless.

You could argue that the previous couple of chapters aren't completely pointless because they involve character relationships, and that's something that should be explored.  And that would be right, if they were explored well.  But nothing really comes out of Kelsey arguing with Ren and Kishan, and they both seem completely fine with her utter inability to make a decision between the two of them, so it's pointless in that nothing interesting actually happens.

But this chapter is pointless because the entire chapter is dedicated to saying WOW THIS BOAT SURE IS NICE when they don't actually...use any of the nice things on the boat.  We met a new character, but he only exists to be a Jamaican stereotype that gets them from point A to point B, and contributes nothing to the plot.  Ugh.

Next time, Chapter 8: Goa!  It's another filler chapter, with most of the page count dedicated to flirting and shopping in Goa, but at least we get to meet the mysterious diving instructor!  He sucks, too.