Chapter 22: The Golden Dragon's Hoard

Hello, and welcome back to our irregularly scheduled nonsense!

Last time, more Drama. Oh, also, I guess we also talked a lot about Greek mythology for no reason, and Kishan zapped lightning out of his eyes (?) and was possessed (??) by an oracle spirit or something that will never actually be explained (???).

This book is weird.

This time, hey, another dragon! They're lame, but they're still the best part of the book.

(We're just over 75% of the way through, by the way. If you're curious.)

Chapter Twenty-Two: The Golden Dragon's Hoard

The dragon (which showed up right at the end of the last chapter) introduces itself as Jinselong. For all you Chinese-speakers out there, this translates as "gold dragon." Creative.

Its interest was piqued by the Golden Fruit.

This one looked more like a water dragon.

Ooh, look at Kelsey, the dragon expert all of a sudden. It's really great because the following description has nothing to do with how it looks like a "water dragon." It has sharp white teeth, golden scales, and spikes instead of horns. What about that makes it look aquatic? It would make sense if it was streamlined, but Kelsey doesn't mention anything like that.

At least it doesn't look like this train wreck.

It asks if she's interested in trading something for the Fruit, but Kelsey says that they're not interested, so it starts to go back underwater. Kelsey says that she's willing to talk about a different trade, which intersests the dragon. She says they're looking for the Necklace, and the dragon agrees to negotiate.

And . . . what would you give me for this information? It would have to be something priceless. Not even your Fruit would be as valuable.

The payoff for this is so dumb it's almost embarrasing.

Kelsey agrees to discuss, and the dragon says that they'll meet on its "turf," which is both very modern and very American slang that is weird to hear coming from an ancient Chinese dragon in the Spirit Realm (or whatever this place actually is...) in India. Kelsey asks where that is, and Jinselong says that it's beneath the waves.

"Where exactly is your turf?"

My palace is beneath the waves.

"How do we get there?"

Dive off the ship with a piece of gold in your hand.

"How deep is it? How are we supposed to breathe?"

The depth will not affect you as long as you remain in my realm. Breathing will also not be a problem in my underwater palace.

Wait, what? So simply the act of diving into the water while holding something gold lets you enter the dragon's realm. Alright. But all three of them have already done that! Durga's weapons are all made of gold--the chakram, the bow and arrows, the trident, the gada, the Fruit, and Fanindra. They couldn't breathe underwater before, so why can they now?

Whatever.

The dragon says that it will come back in an hour.

The dragon slipped beneath the waves and disappeared. I mumbled, "Great. I've got a date with a dragon," and went to hunt down everybody.

Why...why is she upset about this? Isn't this exactly what she wants to happen? They're there to speak with the dragon. But Kelsey seems to find this an inconvenience!

I guess Houck thought this was lolsofunny even though 1) it's not even a funny line because there's no punchline and 2) it's not consistent with what's going on.

She heads back to the wheelhouse where Ren and Kishan are arguing. She asks where Mr. Kadam is, and I'm just extremely confused by this little interaction:

I rolled my eyes and said, "Really?: Now is not the time. We've got a date with Jinselong in less than an hour. Mr. Kadam? Are you here?"

"Just a moment." He emerged from the back dressed in a robe and drying his hair with a towel.

"Sorry to interrupt your shower. We need three pieces of gold and something really valuable to barter. I suspect it needs to be very shiny."

Why does Kelsey talk to Ren and Kishan like they already know Jinselong has agreed to meet with them? Why does she ask if Mr. Kadam is in the wheelhouse when he's clearly not, as he enters the wheelhouse in the next sentence? Why does Mr. Kadam tell her to wait "just a moment" when he enters the scene immediately afterwards? He emerges "from the back" of what? The wheelhouse? His room isn't in the wheelhouse, I don't think, because the wheelhouse is where you drive the boat, not a bedroom.

Ugh.

Kelsey says that she met with the Golden Dragon not far away from Ren and Kishan, who apparently didn't even notice a giant dragon emerging from the ocean. Idiots.

Kishan has the sense to look embarrassed, but Ren immediately starts getting on Kelsey's case for being above deck. Of course.

Mr. Kadam says that they can raid the safe to see what they can bring to barter.

Kishan held a gold pen, Ren a letter opener, and I held a golden brooch that belonged to Nilima. Ren had brought his trident, Kishan the chakram and the kamandal, and I brought Fanindra. The Fruit and the Scarf were placed in a diving bag, along with precious stones, Nilima's most expensive jewels, and a golden statue of Durga.

Hey, why do they have all this stuff? Not the pen/letter opener (since I can fully believe that Mr. Kadam would just have those on him at all times) and Durga's gifts, but all the other stuff. Why would Nilima bring an expensive brooch and precious stones with her in the first place? Why on earth would they just have a golden statue just lying around? What?

Kelsey is still worried that all this stuff won't be enough.

Just before we jumped, Nilima rushed in with Durga's lotus-flower lei. She placed it around my neck and told me she'd had a dream I would need it.

Huh? Why is Nilima having prophetic dreams? Why is this completely ignored and then never explained or even mentioned again? Huh??

Kishan got a whole chapter about it. Nilima gets a single sentence because she's not a hot male love interest.

They jump into the water.

I rubbed my tingling jaw, tightened my fist around the brooch, and jumped into the water feet first.

My head broke the surface.

This is honestly just shameful. In one sentence, she says she jumps in feet first, and then in the next sentence it's immediately contradicted. I'm not an editor. I'm doing this for fun. Someone got paid to edit this book and it still got published in this state.

Anyway, Kelsey almost loses hold of the brooch once she's undewater becaues it starts pulling her downwards. Even though she'd been told she'd be able to breathe, she holds her breath until she almost passes out because she's an idiot.

She lets out an air bubble that expands and fits over her nose and mouth, and now she can breathe. Neat.

I began to relax and, now that I could see, studied my surroundings. The rubber band holdig back my hair swept away, and the long locks streamed out behind me in the water. I imagined I looked like a mermaid.

So, she starts studying her surroundings, and then proceeds to describe herself, rather than her surroudings. This section in particular has been especially poorly-written, even for this series. We do get some environmental description in the following paragraphs, but when you're writing, the things you write have to flow together logically. Literally, this wouldn't even be a problem if the first sentence was moved to the end of the paragraph, because it's a transition to her description of her surroundings! This is stuff you learn to do when writing those stupid five-paragraph essays in high school!

Since we're in a nature setting, Kelsey sees an improbable variety of animals all at once--schools of fish, a shark, crabs, a giant lobster, some sea anemones, a stingray, and a bed of oysters. Then they see Jinselong's palace, which is also made of gold. Ren grabs Kelsey as she slows down. He says that Kishan is already inside and explains that they need to hide Fanindra as he uses the Scarf to make Kelsey a sweater.

Apparently Kelsey's brooch was absurdly slow, because Ren and Kishan have already started bartering with Jinselong. Kishan lost Nilima's earrings while Ren was getting Kelsey inside. The dragon says that Kelsey's late and that he'll forgive her if she gives him the brooch. Ren says that they'll let him look at the brooch in return for getting Kelsey some refreshments.

"Bah," Jinselong said, but peeked at me out of the corner of his eye and laughed uproariously. "Very well, I'll provide refreshments. I have a feeling you're going to be very good at this." He wagged his finger at Ren while grinning.

Every. Male. Character. Is into Kelsey. For no reason.

Ren says that he was well treained in negotiating trade for his father. Always remember that Ren is Better Than You at everything.

The dragon gets them some food (no idea where the hell he got it from, unless he has a personal chef on hand at all times) and Kelsey describes his human form. Kelsey says that he looks disarming and unintimidating, probably to put them at ease so he can get more out of them

A bulbous-tipped nose sat above a lip so thin it might as well be nonexistent, whle his thick bottom lip protruded slightly outward.

Houck has just written a character with a "bulbous-tipped nose" and protruding lower lip whose sole character trait is swindling them out of money.

Oh nooooooo

That...that's bad, right? Like, I'm not overreacting here? She is literally writing a greedy, treasure-hungry character whose physical appearance is identical to basically every anti-Semitic characature?

IS THAT REALLY WHAT'S GOING ON IN THIS FUCKING SERIES AT THIS POINT

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Fuck this book. Seriously.

Kelsey gives the brooch to Ren, who shows it to the dragon. The dragon offers to tell them how to get to the white dragon for everything in their bag (i.e., all the stuff Durga gave them), which Kelsey almost accepts because she's an idiot. She literally says in her narration that she forgot the Fruit and Scarf were in there.

This is our protagonist. I'm literally running out of ways to describe how dumb Kelsey is, because she's so incredibly stupid it boggles my mind.

Ren and the dragon barter back and forth while Kelesy tries to explain what's going on, but she's stupid she can barely follow it. She basically admits as much. I'm not kidding:

Each man was considering several moves into the future while I had a hard time figuring out what they were trying to accomplish in the present.

They exchange the brooch, a ruby, a Shangri-La buffet, and some fairy clothes for safe passage to the surface and some other treasures they can use as bargaining chips for the future. After about an hour, Ren hasn't made much headway, and even Kelsey can tell that Jinselong is getting overly interested in the bag holding Durga's gifts.

Then Houck decides to try to explain how haggling works, assuming that we, the idiot audience, couldn't possibly have any knowledge of something so complicated.

[Ren] selected an item to barter, extolled the virtues of the object and shared its history and value while Jinselong shrewdly listened. Then he would act as if he couldn't bear to part with it after all. Reluctantly, he'd offer it again but only in exchange for twenty such items belonging to the dragon. The dragon would refuse and make a counteroffer, and then Ren would sneak in something else like the whereabouts of the white dragon's lair and other items.

This is some very basic stuff, in other words. Houck just likes to suck Ren's dick by talking up how Smart and Amazing and Perfect he is while he's doing, like, normal stuff.

During a break, Jinselong offers to show Kelsey around his castle (wink wink), and she says she'll go as long as he doesn't try to get anything out of her. Jinselong agrees, and Ren barters some stuff to ensure Kelsey will be safe with Jinselong.

Kishan seems to have completely disappeared from the scene. I have no idea what he's doing.

Kelsey asks the dragon where he got all of his stuff, and Jinselong says that the treasures in the ocean belong to him. A long time ago, sailors would throw a piece of treasure into the ocean in exchange for the dragon's protection. Kelsey asks him what happened if they forgot, and the dragon says that he'd go after them until they remembered or let a storm sink the ship.

Then he hits on a statue.

He walked over to a marble statue of Aphrodite and stroked her arm. "Hello, beautiful." He cleared his throat as if embarrassed to be caught talking to a very . . . voluptuous version of the goddess of love and turned back to me.

I told you.

He complains that ships don't carry much treasure anymore. Kelsey says that things are probably flown in planes a lot more now, and the dragon says that he can only crash planes if it's cloudy, and it's too much effort since Bermuda is too far away to be convenient.

Yeah, Jinselong is responsible for the Bermuda Triangle. No, this doesn't actually mean anything. Yes, the Bermuda Triangle is a myth, and planes aren't any more likely to go missing there than they are anywhere else.

I'm so tired.

I poked him in the arm several times to illustrate each work. "You are a terrible dragon. All of you just make trouble. What's the point of your existence?"

HAHAHA I don't think this was supposed to be funny, but the way it's phrased it's absolutely hysterical.

The dragon says that he'll show her and leads her through a hall with lots of artwork. Kelsey is dazzled by all the stuff and forgets about the fact that the dragon just told her he kills people for their stuff. Because she's stupid.

She says that it's all very beautiful, but probably not worth killing people over. The dragon says that he's preserving all of humanity's art, but Kelsey points out that only he gets to appreciate it. Jinselong asks what he could do instead--Qinglong sleeps all the time and Lvselong is crazy, so at least what Jinselong is doing is a little better. Kelsey says that he could give some of it away to help people, but Jinselong is Greedy so he says that it's a stupid idea. They head back to Ren and Kishan so the bartering can continue.

This time during the bartering if he got particularly greedy, I'd raise an eyebrow, and he'd be distracted enough to make a bad agreement.

So, yeah, I guess he is into Kelsey. Also, I don't think "agreement" is the right word.

Kelsey sneaks in some terms like not sinking ships or going to Bermuda anymore. Ha ha.

Jinselong was scowling all the time and after a particularly bad loss, he began crying. He wept crocodile tears and talked about all the people he drowned. He seemed truly repentant, and I felt terribly sorry for him.

HOUCK, THAT'S NOT WHAT CROCODILE TEARS MEAN. CROCODILE TEARS ARE FALSE TEARS. YOU CAN'T HAVE KELSEY DESCRIBE HIM AS CRYING CROCODILE TEARS AND THEN FEEL GENUINELY SORRY FOR HIM. SIMPLY BY DESCRIBING THEM AS CROCODILE TEARS KELSEY WOULD KNOW THAT THEY'RE FAKE.

THIS BOOK IS SO BAD GUYS

Kelsey uses the Scarf to make him a handkerchief. It comes out with Ren's initials monogrammed onto it, har har.

Kelsey's brain catches up with her narration and she realizes the tears were fake.

He pointed a finger and wagged it happily at Ren. "And that's why you never allow women into the bartering chamber. Your magical cloth is mine!" he tittered in delight.

I...what?

Ren smiles and says that the dragon actually did them a favor, because the cloth is cursed and can only be spread if someone takes it willingly. The dragon accuses them of bluffing, but Kishan plays into it and looks sorry for the dragon.

"I only wish he was, dragon," Kishan added. "It's a terrible curse too. It weakens a man to the point of death, but perhaps it won't affect you in the same way."

"What . . . what do you mean?" the dragon asked.

"It makes you fall in love. With her." Ren tossed his head toward me while my face registered shock.

Yeah, so we're back to discussing relationship Drama again. Also, this is a small thing, but Kelsey is describing what her expression looks like to an outside observer again. That's not how first-person narration works.

Ren says that she's probably already tried to "work[] her wiles" on him, and Kishan says that Kelsey probably made him try to feel guilty.

"Now just wait a minute!" I threatened.

"See?" Ren interrupted. "She doesn't want to be exposed. Believe me. If you keep that Scarf, you will soon be besotted with her. She'll have you giving up whatever is most precious to you."

"She wouldn't."

"That's what she does," Kishan said. "Oh, you won't notice it at the time, and you'll even thank her for it. She'll make you think it's your idea, and she'll have you eating out of her hand in no time. Just wait. Can you feel it now? It's already eating away at you, isn't it? Festering in your gut?"

Ren and Kishan are doing a better job of explaining why their love triangle with Kelsey is toxic than I've been doing.

The dragon still thinks they're joking, but this just lets them make ~Declarations of Love~ for Kelsey, because at the end of the day that's the only thing Houck really cares about writing.

"Are we?" Kishan leaned forward. "I can tell you right now, I've never loved someone as fiercely as I love her. I would do anything to protect her and keep her by my side. I'd want to kill anyone who took her from me."

I snorted at his obvious jibe at Ren. Subtle Kishan. Real subtle.

That should be "Subtle, Kishan." There's a comma there.

WHO EDITED THIS NIGHTMARE.

Kishan paused to study my expression but only briefly.

ANOTHER MISSING COMMA. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME.

"However, I would stay my hand if I felt as assured that you were the one she really wanted."

Kelsey wonders if Kishan really means that he'd also hurt someone over Kelsey. She realizes that she can't just brush him off like Ren wants her to, but she also realizes that he'd let her if she wanted to.

God, she's honestly just as bad as Ren.

Ren one-ups Kishan. Of course.

"I don't think I could be so generous. You see, I've loved her since the mometn I laid eyes on her. I've been tortured to the point of death in her name. I would journey across the world to see her smile, to make her happy. When she becomes yours, dragon, and binds the threads of her Scarf around your heart, I will probably wither and die, for I am as wrapped up in her as a vine that clings to a tree seeking sustenance. She's tied to me for eternity. She's my home. She's my reason for being. To win and hold her heart is my only purpose."

Okay, grand romantic overture, yadda yadda. Ren just compared himself to a parasitic vine leeching off of Kelsey. That's the metaphor Houck went with and decided was romantic.

She meets Ren's eyes and only just now realizes that she's using Kishan as a crutch to avoid her feelings for Ren.

Like I said. She's a complete moron.

Loving Ren was like loving an atom bomb.

That seems healthy!

Basically, she thinks that loving Kishan is safe. She's happier with Ren, but she's convinced that something will happen to separate them again and she won't make it through. There, I summarized like a page and a half of waffling.

Jinselong's neck had turned purple as if the very idea was choking him.

What???

Jinselong tries to hand Ren the Scarf back and calls Kelsey a succubus, which is kind of funny.

Ren refuses, and the dragon offers up treasure in return. Ren refuses and says that they can have anything they want in return, because if he was stuck with her she'd make him give all his treasure away. Kelsey shoots loving glances at the dragon as he's begging Ren to take her back.

I whispered for the Scarf to change shape from time to time, making heart-shaped pillows, cross-stitched handkerchiefs that said "I heart dragons" on them, and a pillowcase embroidered with Kelsey + Jinselong stitched all along the edges.

Hey, an actually funny line! That brings the total up to about three for the entire series, I think.

Ren manages to get all the stuff they brought with them back, "safe passageway" to the white dragon (I think you mean "safe passsage" there, Houck), some information about the gatekeeper of the Seventh Pagoda (not that we actually get to hear it), various other treasures (like a life-sized jade tiger, hurr hurr) and a commitment from Jinselong to ensure safe passage of ships and airplanes for the next five hundred years.

He actually agree to personally escort them to the white dragon and the negotiation is complete. Ren ducks out of the room for a second with the dragon and comes back slipping something into his pocket. Mysterious!

Jinselong changes form and the three of them grab onto his spikes as he swims. Kelsey uses the Scarf to tie them to the dragon, which makes him freak out and swim faster to get away from her, har har.

Every once in a while, Jinselong would look back at us and surge ahead quickly as if it were a wriggling worm being chased by a hungry fish.

So, satisfied that they swindled the dragon into giving them everything they wanted and more, the chapter ends.

Closing Thoughts

Hey, this one was especially bad! The writing was worse, the editing was worse, and we also got a nice helping of anti-Semitism to go along with all that!

Thanks! I hate it.

Also, Jinselong hit on Kelsey up until Ren and Kishan told him how bad it was to fall in love with Kelsey. The only reason that would scare him is if that was possible in the first place. We're three for four on "dragons that want to bone Kelsey." I hate that too.

Next time, Chapter Twenty-Three: The Ice Dragon! Kelsey finally makes a decision for once in her life.